Hi Dear Friends,
It’s been exactly 5 years, since I met the person, who I thought could potentially be my best friend forever. He was my first love. It happened fast and we both ‘loved’ each other immensely. It was my first love and I was 20 years, when I met him. My intuition always told me that this love would never last. I’ve tried so hard and he did as well, to make it work. But our beliefs are different, his mentality is different. Our approach to life is different. We somehow, both of us tried to adjust, finding out that I was adjusting more, eventually slowly losing myself, just to be with that person. I’m ambitious, he likes to take things slow, we were working at a different pace. Jealousy occurred, eventually we wanted to let each other suffer. If he was down, and wanted me, I felt good and when I felt down and missed him, he was celebrating. It’s sick. However, I never intended to hurt him. I tried my best, to give love. He took advantage. I stepped out of the ‘game’, he felt that I’ve really started to ‘love’ him. And from there, the mental destruction started.
Now, 5 years later, in my own dream world, I still thought it would work, we could at least be friends, at least hear his voice. Good or Bad. But it has reached the limit. I found out he’s married and has a child. I can’t play anymore. I still haven’t reached to the level I need to be, because apparently part of me wants to hold on to the past. Therefore, I cannot grow, my soul cannot grow and cannot find space for new love. This back and forth, loving, hating, has been going on for 5 years. I’ve made my decision 3 months ago, -exactly at the time when I started this blog-, I will not go to my past. And I didn’t, but the person is contacting me now. I’ve blocked it. Yes, I missed him, from the bottom of my heart and also wanted him to suffer, because of all his lies and not being sincere. But that doesn’t matter, because I let myself betray me, since I wanted to talk to him, regardless of what he said. That’s how desperate I was.
5 Years, passed by quickly, if I give in to this feeling, it will last forever and nothing will be accomplished. I would still have him in my mind. I live in Los Angeles, this is my present and future, this is my new love. I’ve blocked everything about that person and now I leave it up to time. Time will heal everything. I loved him, I always will, but what’s done cannot be now amended.
I wanted my first love to be a beautiful fairy tale, I couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t last forever, that it was not destiny to be together. I didn’t want to see that. I desperately wanted to live in the illusion that everything was fine.
That ‘love’ made me suffer, I lost myself, was aggressive and became selfish. Ever since I started this blog and disconnected with that person, I am getting closer to myself, increasing confidence, I am kind and caring.
Now I have to think logical and start focusing on my goals and what I want. I forgive myself for letting this go on for 5 years and I forgive him for everything. I don’t regret anything, I am happy that I loved him, through him, I understood what love really means. That relationship taught me what ‘love’ really means. It’s unconditional, it’s not in the words, but in the actions. I really loved him, always will. But now it’s time to again embrace the present and follow my true destiny.
The reason why I hold on for 5 years to this ‘love’, ‘friendship’, even though I was suffering, is that I really wanted him in my life and that when I would ‘make’ it, we could be together. I don’t mind if I am wealthier than him, I would be very happy to help him with everything. But destiny has it’s own plan. My love is apparently meant for other people, for the world, not just to one person. Because his love, made my only love him, and it sucked the life out of me, I didn’t want to do anything anymore, other than just to be with him. That’s not love, that’s why I’ve realized now.
Love is letting each other go , to be able to follow your dream, trusting each other that they will come together, if it’s in their destiny. Love is not jealousy or letting each other suffer, in order to feel good, it’s not selfish and it doesn’t revolve around ego. It’s giving love unconditionally, and respecting each other equally. Love is respecting each other. Trusting each other. Not holding any grudges and being honest with each other.
That love was intense, but if I look closely, in those 5 years, I’ve suffered 99% in that relationship and there were only split seconds of happiness. Seconds. I almost lost my dream, my dream of becoming an actress.
I can achieve everything and have everything, but not at the time I want to. I have to have patience. And I can have that person, but oh my god, at what cost. If I choose him, I will lose everything what I have right now. I am in heaven now, I’m living the dream, almost making it into the film industry, couple of steps away, should I all flush it in the toilet, just to be with that person. Where I know, that I would suffer even more and really suffering, because that would mean going back to Europe, since he’s not coming here. Settle for less, have child, work hard, not following my dream, and not getting the ‘love’ I deserve. I mean am I that desperate? I cannot even trust him. But only to show my ego, that somewhere in my mind, I have him, he’s mine. God, I felt so lonely when I was with him or when we were contacting each other. After he hung up, I felt so down, as he was putting me down somehow. I felt so lonely. I am in single now, but I feel so alive and when I was in that relationship, wow that feeling of loneliness, hit me. He wasn’t there for me, wasn’t with me. Because I wasn’t with myself, I lost myself. I wasn’t present.
That’s stupid. It really is. Yet, so many people have done that and now I do hear them saying, they wished they didn’t play house and didn’t give in to that feeling and just followed their dream, they could have had a better future for their children. Buy better clothes for them. Wow. I really want my children to have a good life and a good father….
I have to see the bigger picture here. Lose this battle of love, lose this game and win the war. Thinking big and in the long term.
I have to think practical. And I am. I went to church, met lovely people, hanging out with lovely guys who knows what respect for women means.
I keep going. That’s all I can do. Keep moving forward. Not looking back. It’s done. It’s over. That’s it, let’s start a new life.