Life

Good morning everyone!

I woke up at 7 am, I prayed and did the dishes. Lately, I’m having a strong need of sharing some of the Las Vegas pictures on instagram. Before I did that I went to my e-mail inbox and argued with some managers, to get my money back. After this, I really felt a strong need to be creative. Without any results. I just wanted to be creative with pictures and editing. Creative, with anything really, it makes life more exciting. And that’s where I realize that life is amazing and mysterious if you make it that way. It is no fun if you reach your destination in one second. The enthusiasm comes from the fact, that you want to dig into the matter. Really dig and learn and figure things out. When you have reached the destination, it makes it even juicier and worthwhile.

Yesterday, I found out that my cousin unfortunately had cancer. Thankfully, it is being cured and he knew this information very fast. Good and bad things happen unexpectedly. Why in the world would I waste my time with complaining, if the end result is still going to be death. We cannot fight that, it will happen. I might as well make the most out of it and I’m taking baby steps towards it.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but life to me has only meaning, if I can give something back to the community and to my family. I love my family and I really like them to see happy.

Wish you a great day, may your day be will with lots of joy. Be enthusiastic!

Breakfast

Good Morning Dear friends,

Today I had a healthy and fulfilled breakfast, thanks to the blender nutribullet. I’m very happy with it. I’m eating fruit called cantaloupe right now. Very delicious I must say. When I was in Las Vegas, we had a breakfast buffet everyday and that was amazing. My day started very good and I was very much at ease and relaxed. I try to implement this at home as well. I make my own buffet ;) I cut all the fruits, so I can easily put it in the blender.

Today, it’s time to focus on what I want and what I would like to accomplish within 3 months. After 3 months, we will enter 2015. I would like to use that time efficiently and effectively. No matter what happens, I still have myself.

The question I ask to myself is: What (baby) steps could I undertake today, in order to achieve my long term goal. Which is becoming closer to myself, by taking my profession, acting to a different level. If I focus on the task, the rest will fall into place. I finally start to believe that it actually will happen. I don’t know when, but as long as I keep working, it will happen.

I know, that I will have to put a lot of effort, again without results, but at the end I know I will have something. Maybe not exactly what I want, but something that will fit me, that will be good for me. God will give, if I give. And I will do everything I can in order to receive that gift again.

Do your best, eat well, stay healthy, all is well.

Happy Monday!

Mom

Good morning my beautiful friends,

After 3 weeks of a wonderful holiday, filled with joyful moments, I will go back to work starting today. My parents were here for 3 weeks and now I miss them a lot. Especially my mom, I miss her the most. Her warmth, her strength, her perfume, her love. I miss her tremendously. Exactly 3 years ago, I left Europe to follow my dream in Los Angeles. I didn’t shed a tear. 2 years ago, my mom visited us here in LA and when she left, again I didn’t shed a tear. I was quite relieved. However, now things have changed. Yesterday, my parents went back to Europe and this time, for the first time I cried that my mom had to go back, as it was just a holiday. This holiday was amazing though. I miss my mom a lot. After I’ve written this post, I will call my mom and tell her how much I miss her.

For quite some time I was living in a routine and suddenly, miraculously my parents appeared in front of me. They gave us 3 weeks of joy, laughter, memories, ambition and warmth. A beautiful and amazing surprise.

I work every day towards my goal and for a long period of time, without results. However, I didn’t stop, I kept going, even though I didn’t feel it. I had no idea actually why I was doing this. For what reason.

Now I know. God will give, you keep going, you practice, you do your best and you let go. God will give. Trust. My parents keep me going. I love them.

After rain comes sunshine. It’s worth it. God has given me a beautiful gift.

Stay blessed and enjoy this Saturday.

Parents

Dear Parents,

God has already blessed me with parents like you. Which makes me want to live life like you. You make me proud and I hope one day I can make you proud. You have given me everything I’ve always wanted in life. Thank you for giving me unconditional love. Not everybody is lucky of having such parents who are giving unconditional love or they might not even have parents. Therefore, I appreciate you and cannot take you for granted.

Parents, you are the greatest gift of god.

I’m forever greatful of your support and love. Respect to all the parents who know the value of parenting and teaching. You are the foundation of life.

Thank you, god bless.

Ambition

Good morning my beautiful friends,

This magnificent, surprising and unexpected trip has made me again ambitious. It has shown me top of the world moments, things that I can achieve also through my profession. It has shown me that being humble is the key. You don’t have to be a bitch to be successful. Successful people, wealthy people are always looking for something new. They are kind, friendly and above all more giving.

It’s beautiful to be a week out of the hectic, out of Hollywood, getting energized and activating my ambition again. Know how to enjoy. Feeling peaceful, having fun, complete fun, not being on the internet for a week has made me very happy and content. Actually I was and am very happy and content. I’ve got some things on my mind that I would like to do. Think progressively, innovate and creative.

It takes work to look good, it takes work to be good. Making yourself happy requires effort. The environment I was in, kept me in the present moment. No internet, meaning no twitter or instagram, meaning not watching what other people are doing. It’s great, in this way you’re focusing more on yourself. It’s okay to check it out once a week, but preferably, once in two weeks.

This trip also makes me want to wear nice clothes, it makes me feel good about myself. It’s all about the action. And do take lots of pictures, it’s okay to put it on instagram, as long as it is with the right intention. It’s good to share but after that let everything go.

I had a room on the top floor at Wynn Las Vegas, it was beautiful and I felt very blessed and fortunate. I still feel that way. My 25th birthday was very memorable. All is well. It always is and always has been. The challenge is to maintain it, mentally.

God bless you all and stay close to yourself.

Now

The anticipation is always bigger than the actual thing. Always. It’s nice to fantasize about it. But it’s better to indulge in the presence. This, the now is what you have with you. Right now, that’s the only thing you have. Have patience and trust.

When you are on God’s side, when you are close to yourself, you know what you’re doing, no one can touch you. As long as you know what you’re doing.

And when an opportunity presents itself, it’s spontaneous, even though you don’t feel it, just do it! Go full speed ahead towards your goal, you will taste the fruit, you will have it all. Trust me good things happens spontaneously, unexpectedly, you just have to go with the flow.

All the best. Have fun and enjoy this day!

Intuition

Good evening my beautiful friends,

The past few weeks, I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, I was determined to keep moving forward. All the days felt the same to me, yet I prayed to God for gratitude and appreciation. Within me a voice said that I have to continue with what I was doing and trust God. Trust that God has great, beautiful things planned, for those who follow the right path.

My intuition told me to trust that the path, I am walking on right now, will lead me to the ultimate satisfaction. And it did. It did! Praise the lord. My birthday is at the end of this month and my parents came to visit me in LA. It was a complete surprise and they are here for a month. We are going to celebrate my birthday in Las Vegas. I really kept this beautiful desire in my heart, a wish that I could celebrate my birthday with my parents. Good parents are the greatest gift from God. I’ve got my family, my mom, dad and my sister. They’re all here with me right now.

I hope this gives me the incentive, to continue following my dreams.

Not listening to anybody, only listen to your intuition. My intuition knows and tells me exactly what is good or bad for me. I have to trust my intuition. Whenever I followed my intuition, it was always right. It brings me joy and ultimate satisfaction. It brings me closer to myself, to God. That’s all I could ask for.

Amen.

God bless you, happy Sunday and wish you lots of love!

Feelings

Good morning beautiful people,

Before I stepped out of my bed today, I had a ‘sexual dream’. I opened my eyes and I felt a strong sexual desire. I felt also frustrated about it, since I cannot express this to someone. I mean, of course I can, ‘with some random guy’, but I would like to be with someone who I can trust. Nevertheless, the feeling was there. And the feeling was a bit increasing, at that moment I really wanted to express it to someone. I felt a moment of despair and unhappiness, thoughts crossed my mind of not having someone, not having my significant other. Suddenly, I stopped myself. I was aware of my thoughts. I didn’t deny this feeling, otherwise I make it even worse. Instead, I sat with the feeling, I woke up and while I was stretching my body and exercising, I went through the feelings, and told myself: ‘What if I had a significant other right now’. This feeling is temporary and it’s okay. However, I have discovered that the kind of love that I seek in reality, is eventually making a commitment with someone. The kind of love I had in my mind was only the positive side, not dealing with any negative things, kind of like a fairy tale. Dealing with a relationship takes a lot of commitment. And that commitment, I have given to my dream, to my career. Which is at this moment the only thing I completely commit to. I am not exactly where I am meant to be with my career, so I really would like to go 100% after it. I only have one chance, one life. If I find my significant other along the way, that would be nice, but I can’t seek for it anymore. Been there, done that.

I also prayed after I exercised and asked to be close to myself, to be close to God. This is just a feeling, feelings are temporary. They come and go. But once I made a choice, I cannot make it undone. I will always remember this Shakespeare line: what is done cannot be now amended.’  I can act from this feeling, but I choose to think for the long term. Yes, I can easily fall astray and that is why I have to redirect myself. It’s okay, as long as I’m aware of my thoughts, I can control my action. Since that is the only thing in the entire world, I have control of. Not my feelings, not my thoughts, but my action.

Happy Wednesday. Lots of love.

What’s the point?

Good morning,

I woke up at 7.50 am, took a shower, scheduled in my photo shoot and about to put on some make up. I’m still here alive, but my thoughts are, I would say ‘emotionally bankrupt’. For me at the moment, there is no point of living. I’ll be honest with you, I have tried very hard. And I know why, I know the reason now. Every time when I ask my sister, mother or anyone out there, for advice, I’m getting negative responses. Very negative. It’s not their fault. Because with asking for advice, I’m not letting go, I’m basically asking what should I do, because I don’t want to take responsibility for my mistake. I am making mistakes every day, every minute, every second. All the time, I’m missing the mark. I AM doing that, no one else.

If I would be my own mother, and I have to forgive me, I would do it right away. I would see myself through the eyes of another person and I see a very daring, hard working person, who just tries to be perfect. She is already great, but she doesn’t see it herself. That’s why she keeps pushing herself, often too hard, which gives her no hope.

It’s true, I want to get things very fast, I am very result oriented. I wasn’t like that before, but since I was 13 years old, I have become this grumpy, competitive person. Only one year, since I was doing another study, I was released from all tension, didn’t care about what others were doing or thinking about me. Difference? I never told anyone, my inner thoughts, never said it out loud that they could hear me. Not my sister, mother or anyone. If something didn’t work out, I thought by myself, fine, I’ll do it again.

This is the first time, after 10 years, that I am trying to improve myself. It’s very hard, to deal with yourself. Very hard, no one is saying: ‘Wow, you’re great, you’re doing a great job! You’re the best! Wow, you’ve got so much confidence, you’re awesome.’ 

Frankly speaking, I am waiting for these compliments, I want it. However, to tell you the truth, I have been getting compliments, but no results. Thus, compliments, in it self, is one second of a good feeling, but other than that it’s nothing, it’s empty. To give myself these compliments, is even more frighting. I don’t like myself at all! And my hair, god, difficult. I am ironing it now, since it looks better on camera. My hair is naturally curly, very difficult to maintain.

Yes, It takes time to look good, to be ‘yourself’, to accomplish your dream, I’m making mistakes all the time and I have to take responsibility for that. But that’s the thing, I see life now as only taking responsibility. No love, no constant happiness. Only discipline, be on time, do your work, work out, take responsibilities for your mistakes and actions. So boring. One year ago I rebelled, since I thought life was too boring. Well, I lost a wonderful opportunity. I don’t want to make that mistake again. But it’s also very hard to keep going. Yes of course, I appreciate everything, but I feel empty. I work and do my best, for what? If I die, no one cares, I haven’t accomplished something significant to be remembered. I know, sounds very depressing, but that’s how I feel right now.

I am in a tunnel, but I don’t see any end, no perspective. I don’t dare to make an end of my life, my parents and sister have scarified way too much for me. Their love, the only love I have at the moment, is way too powerful. Also, Karma will hit me in my other life if I do that, that’s what I know for sure :P But seriously, I don’t dare to quit, I don’t want to. For the outer world, I am a good hard working citizen. Let’s see, sometimes I feel out of this world, amazing and sometimes I feel so depressed and cynical, that there is no hope.

I’ll pray to God, I hope one day light will be again shining inside of me.

Thank you.

Stay close to yourself

Good morning sun shines!

This week has actually been a beautiful week. Of course I had some Melancholy thoughts, about some of the decisions and choices I made in my life, but a lot of good things happened as well. Also, I would like to share a ‘radio’ app called 8tracks. At 9am, when I was eating my banana, I listened to some jazz, some lounge music. It was absolutely relaxing, thinking positive and being grateful about my life. Really nice and life is beautiful. That track was on the list ‘And I think to myself, what a wonderful world’, really beautiful and great to listen to in the early morning. When you allow yourself to have a ‘morning’, eating breakfast, not rushing and listen to some jazz music, wow, it makes a huge difference. What a great way, to start the day!

Financially, things are going well *touch wood*, which allows me to make better decisions based on what is good for me in the long run versus making choices out of desperation. I had some agency meetings. This one was licensed and I read some good reviews about the agency on the internet. Like I said before, no matter what, I still can get easily persuaded. For the first time I was getting advice well actually directions on my eyebrows. The theatrical and commercial agents were both in the room and they said I should trim it a bit, make it thinner. Honestly, I was surprised to hear that. Everyone who I met, guys and girls told me I had beautiful eyes and eyebrows! My eyebrows are thick, but not too thick, to give you an idea, let’s say Elizabeth Taylor style. I wasn’t offended, I was still being positive and went on with the meeting. I wanted to be open to things, so I just allowed myself to listen to them and of course deciding later what I should do. In general the meeting went fine, they give me some good tools regarding my head shot and they were willing to work with me. I guess they sensed that I had a ‘letgo’ mentality in the meeting, I wasn’t desperate for it. I still have a lot to learn, to still give feedback and speak my mind in a polite way without coming across as if I’m defending myself. My sister would say: ‘Well that’s subjective, but I think about it.’ Next time, I will respond the same way. My response was: ‘Oookay, hmmm’. I didn’t say yes or no. Apart from that they liked my reel and they do see me in sitcoms and on TV shows. Obviously, that gave me a boost and they also sensed that I had other meetings as well. All the meetings I had so far were generally positive and they were willing to collaborate with me.

Now the point is, it’s not about getting compliments or that they are actually willing to collaborate with me. It is about the fact can they get me the job, can they represent me, as I am and pitch ME? I have to be honest with myself and the answer will be no. I haven’t found an agent that knows how to represent me and is willing to fight for me. I understand that I have to give 90% of effort and I am doing that now. I am improving myself, taking new head shots again to capture my true personality, my essence, taking (free) workshop classes, going to events, making my own movie, etc. The only thing I need from an agent is getting me auditions where I have no access to. Actually not only that, someone who thinks in the long run who thinks big. Some of the agents I met were thinking too aggressively, some agents were putting me down, some agents had no idea what they were doing, some agents (licensed) had not too much connections with casting directors.

Still, here I am without an agent. Or I can think positive and actually acknowledge the fact that I am coming closer to myself, finding out who I am, learning a lot about the industry, about myself. So when the time is right, I’m ready. If I go into the ‘comparing road’, everybody is far ahead of me. However, I don’t want to do things which are against my principles. I’ll be honest with you I was thinking about making my eyebrows thinner. The only reason I’m not doing it is because my parents and my sister are backing me up and saying the more you will compromise, the more you will change for them and you will lose your true identity. They are absolutely right. Someone will find my eyebrows too thick, but another person may find it absolutely stunning. It’s subjective.

It’s seems cool to say that I have an agent. I’ll be honest with you, it might be the only reason why I would say yes. Just to say to the outer world, yes I’ve got an agent. However, I’m the one who has to deal with them and in the long run, I might suffer. Thus, I made the choice to keep searching, keep submitting my headshot and resume to other agencies and hopefully I will find a reasonable, licensed agency that will be happy to collaborate with ME.

Yes, I’m still fighting those negative thoughts which are depleting my energy. Thoughts that want to go into the past and would like to stay in the past.  Thoughts such as: The past was so good, I shouldn’t have done that, I wish I had a partner. Now, I try to push myself and say to myself that everything is fine and it’s going well. I push myself everyday to stay positive. I’m redirecting my thoughts everyday. It might be an ongoing process for the rest of my life, but it becomes easier to think positive now, since I am pushing myself. When you are thinking positive, wow, that feels great. Thinking positive and not comparing myself with others, it makes my life so complete. And more important, getting closer to myself, that is very fulfilling. It makes me happy and content, no matter what I have, I always have myself and God.

I always remind myself that God can give me everything I want, but he can also take away everything I have. Therefore I am grateful for what I have and keep moving forward.

Thank you, with love and respect. Love you all and have a wonderful day.