Losing control

I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel a bit frustrated. Actually immensely frustrated. One day is definitely not the same as the other. I feel so irritated. I didn’t have this for a long time and now again I am on verge of giving out tantrums. Is it my period? It is coming, but lately I had it under control.

I just feel a lot of pressure to perform. People who didn’t know anything are performing 10x better. God, last week I felt good, I had it all in control and now I feel my control is diminishing again. It’s 7 am.

I just want it so bad. I guess I have to let go. I feel so empty and alone. I just want to scream. Also my apartment is a mess. I mean I have to clean it all the time. Because my sister doesn’t do it.

I know I’m venting, I have to let it out. I want to be so successful, but some people bring you down. It’s horrible. And sometimes, the one you really feel close to, that person can bring me down. I mean, me and my sister are in a whole different head space. I just need space. I want to be alone.

So much to do, I have to do time management. Stop comparing. I’m still doing that. I feel I’m behind again. Worthless.

Wow, how fast I can lose control again.

God.

Little Apprehensive, that’s okay.

Hi my beautiful babies,

It’s 4.14pm and I have decided to expand the marketing of my short film. I mean, seriously spreading the concept, on facebook, twitter, pinterest, instagram, blogs, articles and much more. It’s very important that it gets the attention it needs, since it is about a important social issue. I cannot hide anymore. Initially I felt very apprehensive to do this. Why? Because every time I do something, other people see it, take the same concept and double the success. So, yes, I am a little bit afraid. I mean I believe in this concept, but I cannot wait for some film festival to pick us, I have to create some kind of hype already. People should know what I’m doing, what my initiative is. I am doing a lot, but lately I have stopped saying anything, rather stopped the marketing, since I was so afraid that it might back fire on me, nothing will happen and other people will run with it. Well, you know what, life is a risk. And I have to take this risk. Besides, if someone else runs with it, than it wasn’t in my destiny anyway. But if something is in my Destiny, nobody can take that away.

Yes, a lot of people I know, personally, have run with my concept, but actually it didn’t hurt. I am still following my dream, getting a lot of tools to get to the next level and I get tremendous amount of support and appreciation from life, God, parents and You.

When I started this blog, in August, I felt so lonely, I was lacking self confidence and wanted to give up on life. Writing this blog has put me back on track. And the incredible amount of positive response that I get from all of you, is very encouraging. You are a huge part of my motivation. I mean, I have tried to get a good agent for a long period of time and ever since I write this blog, focus on myself, I found a good one within 2 months! And I have received so much more, so much , that it will take another blog to list it. ;)

I mean, as long as I know that I am doing the right thing, nobody can really ‘steal’ my idea, or concept. I trust that everything will fall into place. But I do have to take the next step. Little scary, also very excited.

Love you so much, take care, god bless you.

Being busy, feels good

Hi my beautiful friends,

Within an hour I have to leave and get ready for the Commercial shooting, which will be 12 hours. Excited! Now I’m working on my submission for film festivals. Working on the website, marketing. It takes time, but I trust that it will happen. I’m just giving energy towards it. In the morning I felt a bit gloomy, but I didn’t feed it by talking, I just did what I have to do.

It’s a beautiful day and I am hungry. So at 1.30pm I’ll get a sandwich at Mendocino Farms and then go to the shooting. Keep working, it pays off. It really does. And I’m taking risks, that also pays off immensely.

I love being busy, I love to work and accomplishing my goals and dreams. Initially it was painful and going slow, but it becomes easier and easier. I keep going and enjoying my life.

Take a deep breath, exhale. Feels great.

Cheers, catch you later!

Give and I shall receive

Hi Everyone,

It’s 12.47am and I am working on my profile and editing. While I am doing this, I wanted to share something. When you give, you shall receive. Keep giving. 3 children in need will get a beautiful gift box from me and my sister. I didn’t expect anything back, but God doesn’t rest, he watches me and my actions. And I received a beautiful gift from a very kind friend. I basically got (more) back, than what I’ve put into. That’s so nice and rewarding.

Everything has its own timing. Last week was hectic, I was busy, I had no (relaxing) weekend, but I enjoyed it. This week is going to be the same. Tomorrow I’ve got a 12 hours of a Commercial shooting. From 3pm till 3am. But I like it, I feel alive. And everything falls slowly into place. Slowly I am emerging again.

I feel grateful and blessed for this opportunity of following my dream. I finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. I will enjoy this journey and let it all go. We’ll see how it goes. But I won’t forget to live. And give. Because the more I gave, the more I’ve received. That’s what I know for sure and I’ll keep that in mind.

God bless.

I have to start somewhere

Hi Everyone,

Wow, I am a bit tired, feel a bit gloomy, yet I have received a lot of information of how to market my brand. I am absolutely glad I went to the event which was held at Sheraton Universal hotel. I’ve learned a lot of things. Now the bottom line of what I’ve learned is that we all start somewhere, right now I might have a small fan base, very small, but that can change. It really can, by utilizing the right tools. Ego has to be removed and I really have to start from scratch. I will make new pages at social media and go from there. Yes, I am competing with people who have millions of likes and tons of subscriptions, but hey, I have to start somewhere. I actually have the confident, that somehow it is going to work. Maybe not now, but if I keep going and keep focusing on myself, things start happening.

I have to find what works for ME. Not following someone else. I met big people, CEO’s, executive producers etc from big production company’s, they are all trying and finding out new stuff and thinking innovatively. They are competing with people from Youtube bloggers. These production companies haven’t given up yet. They are still trying and that is great, I admire them for that. It gave me the incentive to also just do it and start somewhere. Yes, I have done several things, had several publications, received an Award nomination, yet my followers and likes on social media accounts, are under 100. Except on Youtube, there I have around 2000 views, but 6 subscriptions.

What I’ve learned today, is that i’ts not really about numbers. It’s about the content and do people resonate with that content. People, followers, come and go, what make them stay is the quality of it, something that is new, that adds value. So, in that respect, I honestly think I am on the right path and it’s okay, I might have a few people now, but if I keep going and delivering quality material, it can increase. But I cannot do it just for the sake of getting high numbers. It just doesn’t work that way. People want to feel special and want to have something that they can relate to and what adds value.

Quality takes time, but you know what, I can only win. It takes time, but I will have it. Quantity is there temporarily, Quality is for eternity.

Love you all.

Ups and downs

Hi beautiful babies,

Today is the beginning of a new journey, I signed with a reputable talent agency, with the Commercial Department. We’ll see how that goes. It was a thick contract and it took me 2.5 hours signing it, since I had a lot of questions. Yes, I have become very critical, but only because I have nothing to lose and I would like to know everything before I sign. Now that I have the trust, I’m excited where this will go. It took me a long time to get the ‘right’ one, I declined several ‘reputable’ talent agency’s, simply because the energy didn’t feel right. With this one, it does. But again we’ll see.

Now it took me 2 hours before I got home, since the bus goes every hour. I wanted to go to an event, but I decided that I could utilize my time for other things. Plus, I don’t think the event would really add value to my knowledge. Tomorrow I am attending the NBC universal Hackathon at Sheraton Hotel. This will be interesting, I actually don’t even know anymore if I should go. Maybe it might be something what is completely besides the point and will add no value. I don’t know, all I know is, that it is 24 hours and I will be there the WHOLE day. I seriously have no idea, what will happen. But you know what, life is an adventure, at least I take it as an adventure, so it’s on!

Now, I do have to confess something, I told you that I would not check other profiles, at least for a week. Well, because I had to contact someone through Facebook, I activated it and scrolled into newsfeed and saw the other profile. I felt jealous and very sad, that I checked it. That person seems to be rising faster than me and I was the one who started! Well, all I know is that I am in Hollywood and it’s all about adding value. So I don’t know about that other person, but I do know one thing, that it is important to add value to the society and not just putting something out there and just want to get famous. Those thoughts really doesn’t serve me anymore. Was I thinking of bragging and telling the world that I signed up with a new agent and just doing modeling photo shoot (which I have done already, could do more) etc, hmmm I could. What I want is something rare. It’s challenging though, this society, is so fast. I really want to keep up with it, but I can only do it at my own pace. Oeff, what to do? Seriously. I don’t want to focus on someone else and I again really have to know why I am doing this, what the purpose is. Cannot lose track, even though I do want to show the world (and that person) that I was the one who started and then that person got inspired. Oh lord, I know it’s time consuming, but these thoughts are here and I am a bit jealous. But again what can I do. If I didn’t check, I wouldn’t have these thoughts. I am in the mecca of the film industry and everything happens here. I’ve got everything going for me (touch wood) I just have to trust it.

The fact is, by looking to others, I will miss my own boat. I know that, it happened already. I finally am acquiring new things again, I cannot and absolutely cannot afford it to lose it again, by looking and comparing to others. Because the grass always seems greener on the other side. And who knows, if I keep investing in myself and doing the things that I love and support, perhaps within a year, things will start to unfold that I didn’t see coming. Something big, something huge. That can only happen if I completely focus on myself. Now, I could do the same thing they’re doing, but I am an actress, that is my priority. That’s who I am and what I want to be. I mean I know a lot of ‘stars’ are doing a lot of other things, but before they could do that, I don’t think they were doing ‘other’ things, other than acting. I mean, yes I am in Los Angeles and I could blog about it and sell the stories and pictures to magazines in Europe, but that’s another field, that also takes time and effort. Which I could do, but only in regards to acting.

It’s 7pm and I cannot waste my time anymore, checking other people’s victories in other fields, especially of that one person. But I just saw that the person is copying (inspired by) other big people. Following me? Oh well, I mean meanwhile others have more success than me. I mean this is ridiculous, I should be happy that I’ve signed with a new reputable talent agent and here I am, writing about how others are rising. Seriously, this is how I missed the boat a year ago. I lost, because I thought I am not worth it and I don’t have what it takes. NO, I won’t let that happen. Not again. I don’t care how far other people are and how ‘successful’ they are, I have to do my own part and do my own effort. My journey is different. It’s a beautiful life. It is. It’s different, very different, the road I’m walking is different, but it’s worth it, I appreciate it.

Thank you all and Have a wonderful weekend.

Cheers, much love

Work

Good evening my beautiful munchkins,

When work comes, the work that you like, it always comes at once. Therefore it is so important to prepare, even at times when you don’t think you get it. It is in those moment of despair, where nothing comes to you, that’s the moment that you have to create. Now I have to do a couple of tasks for the agent, which is a bit overwhelming. If I had done the task before, despite of the fact whether I had an agent or not, I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed by the workload.
Since I see a whole mountain of work, I’m kind of delaying it and perhaps secretly sabotaging myself, since I still think it has to be perfect, otherwise I don’t want to do it. But you know what, this time it will be different. I have made this mistake before and I’ve learned from it. If the result sucks, fine, I’ll do it again, but at least I’ve tried. It all comes down to doing the work. Just do the work, good or bad, just do it. We can only learn from making mistakes.

Besides there is nothing more exhilarating than to rise up again AFTER I’ve fallen down. I am letting go of the past and embracing my present. Let’s see what the future has in store for me, by giving love and positive energy. There are endless opportunities.

.

Good night, sweet dreams

Planting seeds

Good morning early birds,

I woke up at 7am and ate some of the brownie left overs, which was absolutely delicious. While I was eating little drops of heaven I watched some motivational video’s on YouTube. It’s very important that I know what my purpose is and what I would like to do, which is contributing. Being selfless. Now, of course I get tempted into the idea of earning big money in a short period of time. But then I have to remind myself that my happiness lies in contributing and giving as opposed to wanting money, just to show off. Which is all fine in the short term, but it’s not really fulfilling in the long term.

I was supposed to go to a meeting in the evening in Beverly Hills, but that one got canceled. So I have plenty of time to focus on the film festivals, of where I should submit my short film to. And how I could strategically market my short film. I mean there has to be someone who will give me a green light. It’s women’s empowerment and a powerful social message to anyone out there who feels lost. It’s a beautiful experimental film and I really hope I can push this one far.

I will also call my agent today, to give a green light to go ahead and do business with him. Only time will tell if it’s going to work.

I am planting seeds and right now nothing is growing. At least I don’t see anything. However, I cannot just get rid of all the seeds and give up. Because one seed might grow unexpectedly. Of course, if I would look around, I see that everybody’s seeds are growing or they have big trees. But nothing is what it seems. I trust my own pace. After making so many mistakes including focusing on others, feeling envious about them, I really realized that happiness and success comes from within, your heart.

It really doesn’t matter what society says, all it matters it what I think and belief. So I’m planting the seeds and I’ll let you know if I see something growing ;)

Love you all, take care and plant the seeds, it’s worth it!

Agent

Hi lovely people,

After so many meetings, I think I finally met an agent who might be reasonable. I really went for what I believed in. And it’s okay, we don’t have to agree on everything. But an opportunity is being presented here. I’m very sleepy, it’s been a long day. Meetings, work and 2 hours ago I had a corepoweryoga class. Afterwards I washed my hair and now I’m ready to fall asleep. I do want to do more research on film festivals, but I’ll do that tomorrow morning.

It does take time and I don’t get ‘it’ right away, only the ‘bad’ things I can get right away. I am not in a desperate mode anymore, so I won’t settle for less. I do would like to say, that I don’t think any agent is perfect, it’s just finding a reasonable person to work with.

Yesterday, I had a great evening with some friends I met at the church. Whatever happens, I know how to ground myself. Staying true to myself is the key, regardless of the current circumstance. Nothing really will change internally, whether I will make ‘it’ or not, have ‘it’ or not, me, myself and I should not change. I entered the world alone and I will die alone.

I am very grateful for my journey and each and everyday I say thanks now, for this life. It’s all about creating. Create, give and you shall receive.

Love you all.

Goodnight and stay blessed.

Contribute

I just saw a segment regarding ‘making it in Hollywood’. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSV0NeD04DU

I have made a short film regarding the topic Homelessness. See, I’m early twenties and because God has given me so much, I would like to give something back. So I really hope that film festivals will at least acknowledge my short film. I have made this together with my sister with sincerity and with a mission. Yes, life can be tough, but honestly wow, when I look at these things, I really have to be more appreciative. Which I am, I’m going to church every Sunday, I’m doing Outreach, increasing knowledge of how to contribute to society. I am doing the best that I can to give more and be selfless.

I do feel that as I am getting closer to God, I trust that God is there for me. Thank God, I do have parents and a loving sister as a support. I came from Europe, where I had everything. But it was my destiny to come to LA. I have learned so much from this country.

I hope I can turn things around and contribute more. I would like to be able to express myself to the world. I genuinely would like to help people through my profession. I know, it’s a challenge, it takes time, but this is what I want.

God bless you all