Loving myself

Good morning dear ones,

Hope you had a nice sleep. I did and woke up with very beautiful thoughts. But as soon as I opened my e-mail, I was a bit disappointed. Since I haven’t received an e-mail invitation for a booking or audition.  I have to teach and remind myself, to still be thankful for everything what I’ve received this year. I am walking on the right path and receiving a lot of gifts from God.

I am not ‘distracting’, or ‘sabotaging’ myself anymore. I am only hanging out with positive people. I used to hang out with people who put me down, because I really wanted to be friends with them. Times have changed. I am getting closer to myself. I have become to slowly love myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel content and excited. I want to dress better, for myself. I am excited about life again. Excited of what I can create.

Everyday is a beautiful blessing, because everyday I work towards my goal. Love, has no feeling, it is unconditional. Whether it’s going well or not, you still do what you love to do, irrespective of feelings.

Like I said, I want to dress myself better, buy better clothes. It feels good, I feel good about myself. If I do this for myself, I radiate positive energy. But it all begins with me, myself and I.

God bless you, wish you lots of love!


Good evening everyone,

Today it was church day, it always gives me a good feeling. After that I went to the Grove, had lunch/ dinner and ordered a delicious dessert. Mmm, chocolate mousse cake, I was in heaven.

Life is good, but it’s a choice. It really is. I’m on a long term plan and like I said, I’ve planted many seeds, only time will tell which one is going to rise. Perhaps everything, perhaps nothing. Actually I honestly believe, that at least one seed will rise. It’s basic probability, I keep trying and in consequence I’m increasing my chances.

I see people rise very fast, after talking to me. They do the same thing and double the success. I mean they’ve reached world wide recognition. I felt a bit envious. But that’s their luck. My time will come. Whatever is in my destiny, will happen. I have to keep that in mind. Because it cannot be that everyone is getting inspired by me and they are all rising and I’m being left behind. No, my time will definitely come. God has something planned. I guess it is a test of time. How much patience do I have? Only time will tell. The only thing I can do is just being happy for them and move on. Time will reveal and tell what my worth is.

Besides, I’m gradually acquiring all the knowledge and skills. I’m rising, yes, it is slowly, but surely. I have my ups and downs. But that’s okay. I’m slowly working towards my goal. At least I am doing something, every day, step by step. It’s a choice. It really is.

I have to trust that my time will come. It’s just not my time yet. However, I cannot stop. I keep going, because I have to be ready.

I am doing my best and the rest is up to the universe.

Love you and have a beautiful Sunday evening.

Feeling vs. Action

Hi dear friends,

I’ve just received a heart touching music video from a friend. Which gave me a flashback, right to the moment, when I forwarded the same music video to a person I really loved, my first love. It took me 3 years to get over that person. I still occasionally miss him. Especially when I have my periods. All the emotions multiplies. Yes, the feeling is there. But it’s still a feeling. Regardless of how I feel, my actions can be different. It’s all about the actions.

I’ve just finished editing my 2nd head shot, still 2 more to go. Then afterwards, I can concentrate on the film festivals again. And I also will take time to clean the house. In between I’m having moments of anxiety, that I will miss out on ‘love’. But I do have a loving sister, loving parents and God. And if God is all I have, than God is all I need.

I have a goal and I cannot hold on to the past. Because, if I will hold on to my past, I will ruin my destiny. And that my friend, I cannot let that happen. I always have to keep that in mind.

I feel gloomy, that doesn’t matter. However, my headshots show a very happy and confident person. My pictures have changed, I’ve gained more confidence. That is because I did let go of the past. I think that I haven’t, but I actually have. Pictures show the soul of a human being. I can see it in my eyes, I have moved on.

I might not feel it, but my actions show, that I have accepted the present and embraced the beautiful opportunities that could come my way. Because I have learned to let go.

Love you all.

The power of giving in

Good morning lovely cookies,

It’s Saturday, 9.30 am and I have still a to do list, before I can completely relax for the holiday’s. That’s fine, it’s always nice to work extra hard and afterwards feeling that you earned it.

Here’s what I’ve learned this week. Sometimes, it’s good to give in. Sometimes, I cannot have it my way at the time I want it to be. I have to put my ego aside and for a while give in. Giving in, doesn’t mean I’m surrendering. No, by no means. But I have to go with whatever time presents to me. Otherwise I’m delaying my destiny. Often it sucks, when it doesn’t go my way, but eventually, by giving in a little, in the long term, I got everything I always wanted. But there is a time and place for that.

I mean it’s just like, not wanting to do your homework, because you really would like to watch a movie, lie on the sofa etc. I have a choice here. However, if I do my homework, study and do my best, I can watch movies for the rest of my life, because I earned it. I mean, it’s a very simplistic example, but life is like that. Give in a bit now and get rewarded later. Giving in is not always the best feeling, at least not for me, since I can have a big ego. But I know it’s always beneficial for later. I know, because I am receiving so much, because I gave in. Besides, I’m giving in temporarily, than afterwards, I take my position. It’s a master plan and I know it will work, because that’s how I’ve always done it.

I cannot climb to the top instantly, I metaphorically first clean the dishes, kiss the floor and then slowly climb my way up. I’ll stay humble, because I know where I came from.

Have a wonderful Saturday!


It’s better to lose the battle and win the war, than win the battle and lose the war.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Wow, yesterday I’ve been through a roller coaster ride. Really choose your battle carefully. Know which battle to pick. I cannot always win. That’s what I really have to understand in life. I really cannot always win. There are oftentimes, where I am right, but sometimes, there’s no platform to prove your right. I mean it’s debatable. There’s always a way, but do I really would like to spend my time and energy, to  prove myself for that one event, that I am right?

Yesterday, I was in a salon to wax my arms and belly, for a photo shoot for today. It should have gone smooth, but it didn’t, the staff had so much attitude and were extremely rude. Not to mention, stubborn. Anyway the point is they waxed at a spot, where I specifically said, don’t wax. They did it anyway. Here’s where I went wrong. I should have gotten up immediately and stopped the session, run to the desk and express what has been done. However, since they already committed the mistake, I thought I might as well move on with the whole session.

I just wanted to express this to the staff, that it’s wrong to just wax where I didn’t want to. But they had no ears. They couldn’t care less. I felt bad, that I didn’t handle it right. It really escalated, they were pushing me, because I wanted to leave, since no one cared. I called up my friend and my sister to help me. I mean, it was not fair, justice had to be served. It was not an expensive place and they treat customer like dirt, apparently. Like I said, I lost, since I continued the session. Okay, fine, but at least they should have acknowledged, that they were wrong. I mean come on.

Anyway, this is precisely my point, I could go on and on, but like I said, this battle is lost, I have lost this battle. This is not the battle I would like to win. You know why? If I knew exactly what to say, to those rude people, I wouldn’t call up my friend. Because after this happened, me, my friend and sister went out for dinner. And we got some great insights, for what to do next and how to get to the next level in my Acting career. And I mean I received GREAT tools. I saw perspective and how I strategically could earn more money. That’s what I mean, I lost the battle, but I am about to win the war. I have to see the bigger picture here.

The fact that the staff was rude to me and I felt offended and therefore I wanted to get justice, is a battle that I really wanted to win. Because I wanted to make an impact on those people, that they cannot treat customers like that. But


Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.

That’s a fact. I can do what I can, I’ve said what I felt was right, but I have to let go. Because I always have to remind myself, to put my ego aside and think big. Think about the long term. I mean I still feel a bit that I could have done more to the situation, but like I said, I wouldn’t call my friend and then get the tools for the next level. Would I’ve gotten the tools later? Perhaps, yes, but I guess I’ve received it earlier. And God always throws bricks BEFORE he gives something beautiful.

And instead of pointing fingers, let ME just be more kind, I at least can be a good human being, treat people nice. I cannot control anyone’s actions, only mine. That’s the most important thing. Yes, it sucks when God brings a bit turbulence in my life, and I feel defeated. However, I shouldn’t ask, ‘why is this happening to me’, but rather ‘what’s the meaning of this’?

So, a bit giving in (which is very challenging for me at the moment) and trying to let go of that stupid battle and really think about winning the war.

God bless. GO, WIN the WAR!

Losing control

I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel a bit frustrated. Actually immensely frustrated. One day is definitely not the same as the other. I feel so irritated. I didn’t have this for a long time and now again I am on verge of giving out tantrums. Is it my period? It is coming, but lately I had it under control.

I just feel a lot of pressure to perform. People who didn’t know anything are performing 10x better. God, last week I felt good, I had it all in control and now I feel my control is diminishing again. It’s 7 am.

I just want it so bad. I guess I have to let go. I feel so empty and alone. I just want to scream. Also my apartment is a mess. I mean I have to clean it all the time. Because my sister doesn’t do it.

I know I’m venting, I have to let it out. I want to be so successful, but some people bring you down. It’s horrible. And sometimes, the one you really feel close to, that person can bring me down. I mean, me and my sister are in a whole different head space. I just need space. I want to be alone.

So much to do, I have to do time management. Stop comparing. I’m still doing that. I feel I’m behind again. Worthless.

Wow, how fast I can lose control again.


Little Apprehensive, that’s okay.

Hi my beautiful babies,

It’s 4.14pm and I have decided to expand the marketing of my short film. I mean, seriously spreading the concept, on facebook, twitter, pinterest, instagram, blogs, articles and much more. It’s very important that it gets the attention it needs, since it is about a important social issue. I cannot hide anymore. Initially I felt very apprehensive to do this. Why? Because every time I do something, other people see it, take the same concept and double the success. So, yes, I am a little bit afraid. I mean I believe in this concept, but I cannot wait for some film festival to pick us, I have to create some kind of hype already. People should know what I’m doing, what my initiative is. I am doing a lot, but lately I have stopped saying anything, rather stopped the marketing, since I was so afraid that it might back fire on me, nothing will happen and other people will run with it. Well, you know what, life is a risk. And I have to take this risk. Besides, if someone else runs with it, than it wasn’t in my destiny anyway. But if something is in my Destiny, nobody can take that away.

Yes, a lot of people I know, personally, have run with my concept, but actually it didn’t hurt. I am still following my dream, getting a lot of tools to get to the next level and I get tremendous amount of support and appreciation from life, God, parents and You.

When I started this blog, in August, I felt so lonely, I was lacking self confidence and wanted to give up on life. Writing this blog has put me back on track. And the incredible amount of positive response that I get from all of you, is very encouraging. You are a huge part of my motivation. I mean, I have tried to get a good agent for a long period of time and ever since I write this blog, focus on myself, I found a good one within 2 months! And I have received so much more, so much , that it will take another blog to list it. ;)

I mean, as long as I know that I am doing the right thing, nobody can really ‘steal’ my idea, or concept. I trust that everything will fall into place. But I do have to take the next step. Little scary, also very excited.

Love you so much, take care, god bless you.

Being busy, feels good

Hi my beautiful friends,

Within an hour I have to leave and get ready for the Commercial shooting, which will be 12 hours. Excited! Now I’m working on my submission for film festivals. Working on the website, marketing. It takes time, but I trust that it will happen. I’m just giving energy towards it. In the morning I felt a bit gloomy, but I didn’t feed it by talking, I just did what I have to do.

It’s a beautiful day and I am hungry. So at 1.30pm I’ll get a sandwich at Mendocino Farms and then go to the shooting. Keep working, it pays off. It really does. And I’m taking risks, that also pays off immensely.

I love being busy, I love to work and accomplishing my goals and dreams. Initially it was painful and going slow, but it becomes easier and easier. I keep going and enjoying my life.

Take a deep breath, exhale. Feels great.

Cheers, catch you later!

Give and I shall receive

Hi Everyone,

It’s 12.47am and I am working on my profile and editing. While I am doing this, I wanted to share something. When you give, you shall receive. Keep giving. 3 children in need will get a beautiful gift box from me and my sister. I didn’t expect anything back, but God doesn’t rest, he watches me and my actions. And I received a beautiful gift from a very kind friend. I basically got (more) back, than what I’ve put into. That’s so nice and rewarding.

Everything has its own timing. Last week was hectic, I was busy, I had no (relaxing) weekend, but I enjoyed it. This week is going to be the same. Tomorrow I’ve got a 12 hours of a Commercial shooting. From 3pm till 3am. But I like it, I feel alive. And everything falls slowly into place. Slowly I am emerging again.

I feel grateful and blessed for this opportunity of following my dream. I finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. I will enjoy this journey and let it all go. We’ll see how it goes. But I won’t forget to live. And give. Because the more I gave, the more I’ve received. That’s what I know for sure and I’ll keep that in mind.

God bless.

I have to start somewhere

Hi Everyone,

Wow, I am a bit tired, feel a bit gloomy, yet I have received a lot of information of how to market my brand. I am absolutely glad I went to the event which was held at Sheraton Universal hotel. I’ve learned a lot of things. Now the bottom line of what I’ve learned is that we all start somewhere, right now I might have a small fan base, very small, but that can change. It really can, by utilizing the right tools. Ego has to be removed and I really have to start from scratch. I will make new pages at social media and go from there. Yes, I am competing with people who have millions of likes and tons of subscriptions, but hey, I have to start somewhere. I actually have the confident, that somehow it is going to work. Maybe not now, but if I keep going and keep focusing on myself, things start happening.

I have to find what works for ME. Not following someone else. I met big people, CEO’s, executive producers etc from big production company’s, they are all trying and finding out new stuff and thinking innovatively. They are competing with people from Youtube bloggers. These production companies haven’t given up yet. They are still trying and that is great, I admire them for that. It gave me the incentive to also just do it and start somewhere. Yes, I have done several things, had several publications, received an Award nomination, yet my followers and likes on social media accounts, are under 100. Except on Youtube, there I have around 2000 views, but 6 subscriptions.

What I’ve learned today, is that i’ts not really about numbers. It’s about the content and do people resonate with that content. People, followers, come and go, what make them stay is the quality of it, something that is new, that adds value. So, in that respect, I honestly think I am on the right path and it’s okay, I might have a few people now, but if I keep going and delivering quality material, it can increase. But I cannot do it just for the sake of getting high numbers. It just doesn’t work that way. People want to feel special and want to have something that they can relate to and what adds value.

Quality takes time, but you know what, I can only win. It takes time, but I will have it. Quantity is there temporarily, Quality is for eternity.

Love you all.