Scared

I am so scared, so immensely scared. I am scared that people will judge me, when they see me acting, I am scared that people will think I am a horrible actress, I’ve made an absolutely ridiculous comedy short film.

But what’s my alternative? I have to put this short film on Youtube, so I can get to the next step. Good or bad, I have to do it. Oh God, I am so scared. I am not a bad actress, but perhaps the cinematography, or writing is not that great. It might be awful. I won’t know, until I put it out there.

11 years ago, I went to an open podium and I danced. The majority loved it. But a couple of people were judging me. I couldn’t handle it and I stopped. I didn’t persevere performing arts anymore. I stopped. Then after 5 years again, I again picked it up. And now I am here in Los Angeles, working as an actress. It did hurt me when I stopped it, just because of some judgmental people. Other people I knew who were studying with me, continued and now they are at a very high level.

Everybody is going through the same thing. I am deadly scared, but I have to do it. I really have to take this step and let go. At least I have my family; my parents and my sister who always have my back. It’s just other people’s thoughts and words. Which is air. It’s just air, nothing else.

Oh God, give me the courage to follow my dream, to actually make it happen and to release my inner passion.

There is nothing else I want to do other than following my dream.

I hope I can do this. I really hope I can handle it.

Don’t think, do

Hi dear ones,

Wow I’ve learned so much these couple of days. Happiness is a state of mind and should not be defined by circumstance. I am free. Free, just for a moment, for a minute, for a second. And then I’m right back into ‘reality’, check my e-mails, my what’s app, just to get some kind of sensation. However, When I am doing power yoga, dance and being creative, I feel good, I feel present, I am somewhat in control. And I am actually slowly getting control again. Slowly becoming stronger in fighting those thoughts who wants to go to the past, who wants to go to him.

These past few days I was busy with pre-production and shooting and now I’m working on post-production. All for the bigger picture. I am now again taking control of my own destiny. And things are unfolding. They really are. My path is different, my career growth will be different. If I am not getting it now, someone else is getting it. That’s fine, that’s the circle of life, But whatever comes up, has to go down and vice verse. My time will come. I am close.

From writing the script, getting the cast and crew to editing, it is all going fast, without thinking. I am not thinking, I am doing it. I don’t know whether it’s good or bad, but I can only learn by doing.

I don’t feel anything, it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m now doing what I am supposed to do. Without thinking whether’s it’s going to happen or not, whether this is good or not, perfect or not, I’m just doing it. That’s life. Work doesn’t stop, I always have to work for it. Even if I get it, the love of my life, my dream career, I still have to work for it. It doesn’t stop.

Take a deep breath, I want to fly and fall back hard, stopping those thoughts who are putting me in to sorrow and wants to go to the past. STOP. But I can’t and it’s okay. I am listening to music. Music is healing. Without music I am nothing. God is with me and music gives me the feeling. Music will always be with me, always.

Please check this version of Chandelier, it touched my heart, it really touched my heart and I finally understand this song, the deeper meaning. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du9gfeFcb8M 

I am doing my things and Saturday I am going to a Children’s hospital, cheer them up and Sunday I’m going to church. It keeps me grounded. I loved him and miss that kind of ‘love’ and I can be depressed and sit at home, or be dedicated to my work and and give and love. Spread so much love, put all my emotions in my work. That’s what I can do and am doing.

Not thinking, but doing.

Much love.

I miss him

Hi dear ones,

It’s 10th of December, I’m just about to sign with a second agent. Now I have a commercial and a print agent. My chances of getting booked are now higher. My sag-aftra project has been accepted and I have a table read with my cast this Friday. I will shoot it next week. And last but not at least my short film, has been finally selected for a large film festival in California. Yes, just a couple of weeks left before we hit 2015 and I’m getting some what my sweet results.

It’s beautiful, I’m also getting out more and meeting more people. Getting a lot of male attention and getting new friends.

But….I know…..there is a but. I should be happy and I am. I am getting closer to what I want. I’ve got wonderful parents and a sister who love me dearly.

But he‘s not with me. He‘s not my friend anymore. I miss him so much. Even though, he never understood me quite frankly. I always wished him well. Yes, I have realized that love means letting go. And if it means that we are far more better off, being separate, then so be it. Maybe in another century, we might come together. I hope we can be together, unfortunately not in this life, I’ve tried my best, but I hope in another life. I hope we will be forever together, appreciate and understand each other.

I keep going. Usually I would just call him, even though he would put me down. However, I stepped out of the illusion and ‘jumped’ into reality. Still, I miss him so much. I love him.

I love my life and I am living my dream. From the outside, my life seems so complete and perfect. I always had this feeling, that I missed something. I miss him. But I can definitely not complain. I’ve got a good life and I am grateful for that. I have a roof above my head and I’ve got food. I don’t have to worry about that.

Maybe my ‘love’ is still out there, my ‘true’ love, what ever that ‘true love’ is. Perhaps I will meet him. I just have to trust.

Anyway, anything is possible my beautiful friends. My film finally got selected and I’ve signed with 2 well recognized agencies.

I will embrace my present and see what the future has in store for me. Which I am obviously creating. I won’t look back.  Keep going forward.

This life is about moments and you must create them. You must. No one will do it for you. I create my moments. That moment will come again. For sure. But just in a different way.

Lots of love

Challenge

Good morning productive people,

Today it’s 8th of December and I am challenging myself. Today I won’t complain, I won’t compare and I will only focus on myself. Let me see if I can do it, just for today.

Let the world go ahead, progress faster, get it faster, I’ll do it at my pace. I cannot do the same thing, what all the successful people have done. I can only do what fits me. I can only open doors at the time, what’s opened for me. I cannot, absolutely cannot try to open another door, which is not meant for me. If I do that, I will walk in a loop and won’t get what’s there for me.

I have to start accepting my faith and destiny. I have to start accepting what God has in plan for ME. I have to trust that.

So, if someone has more success to me, or gets it faster, I should be happy for them and let it go.

I checked my hotmail and gmail, I didn’t receive anything fancy, actually I didn’t receive any e-mails. FINE. I accept it. Will I achieve something in 2014, perhaps not, FINE, I’ll accept it.

I’ll just learn everything and leave it all up to time. I’m not going to wait anymore. That is my challenge, to just do and give, without waiting for results.

That is at least for a day, let me see if that works. ;)

Much love

These feelings

Hi my dear ones,

I don’t know what it is, but I feel so anxious and I have lots of moments of despair. These feelings and thoughts are killing me. I went for half n hour outside and I felt a little bit better.

I’m doing my best, but I guess it’s never enough. I don’t feel I have it. There are times when I feel it. I feel great and I actually think I am taking the right steps. Now, I feel gloomy.

These are all just feelings. Feelings come and go. It’s all about the action. I really feel awful and I want a big hug. Of someone who genuinely cares about me. I do want love. But it still takes work, I still have to do all my tasks.

But that moment of hugging him, I melted in his arms, I didnt want to do anything anymore, just be with him. I can’t talk to him anymore.

but wherever he is, I still love him so much. I always will. He’s in my heart. Always.

Silence

Hi my beautiful munchkins,

Life can be beautiful. Really beautiful. I’m not shouting this out loud, I’m keeping this to myself. I am gaining insights, acquiring success little by little, but again I’m keeping that to myself.

Conquer in silence. I don’t have to say anything, time will tell and the world will see it themselves. I don’t have to say anything. Just keep doing my work. Keep moving forward. And conquer in silence.

Yesterday, I had a lovely audition, where I had to dance, Bollywood style. Loved the work out and I love dancing. It makes me really happy. Tomorrow I’m going to work out again. Working out gives me peace and the incentive to keep going.

All in silence and all by myself. I am getting closer to myself and I love it.

God bless you, much love.

What do I have to lose?

I met a girl at an event, which was on Monday. She had done a business study. Focusing on Finance. She told me she did it, because her friends said it would be easy and she could immediately get a job.

Now she’s fighting for it, reality is different. It’s in any profession. You have to work for it. While you’re studying and after the study, the work still has to be done. That is if you really want something out of life. It’s 99 percent working and 1 percent luck.

But her true passion was acting. She said she stopped since she was rejected every single time, when she was 13. I asked, how old she was. She was only 23. WOW. That’s very young. Some people start acting when they are 40. And still make it. I looked at her and saw her potential. If she would persevered she could have made it.

It’s not about talent, good looks or anything, it’s about persevering, not stopping, keep going. That’s the law. You will get it, because you’re putting energy into it. I can always do something else. ALWAYS. However, it becomes harder if I postpone my true calling and do something else. Everything right now is at my disposal. Right now, my parents are still some what supporting me. I’m paying my own rent, but they are giving me some extra money. That’s very lovely, but that can change.

I don’t know why I am afraid. What do I have to lose? I can actually make it, if I just persevere. Not listening to the rejection, finding ways to get it, better ways. And if that means that I have to do it myself, than so be it. Why should I fight it?

This is a huge opportunity , to follow my dream. I should feel blessed and thankful for this.

I should, I really should.

Competition

Hi dear ones,

I have to write a separate post on competition, since that was killing me internally yesterday. I went to a couple of auditions yesterday and I felt good about the fact that I was still trying. However, when I saw my sister, she always dresses better somehow. I thought I’ve done my homework on ‘wardrobe’, well it’s never good enough. She has better hair, a better look. Yes, I know, I am actually comparing myself to my sister. She always get all the compliments. However, when I’m alone, I am the one who is shining. Hmmm, I think I really have to learn how to let someone else shine as well. Let somebody else have their success and not feeling jealous all the time. I mean everybody has their own time. When I become jealous, it’s because I don’t believe that I will have it one day. It’s all about trust, which I really have to develop and that my friend takes time.

It might not be my time yet. I was on a 4 month challenge and now there is only one month left before we hit 2015. I do have to say that I’ve learned a lot and I have definitely accomplished a couple of my goals within 3 months. That’s really good.

Also, it’s courageous of me to come from Europe to follow my dream and start a living here. It’s not easy, it really isn’t, but I do learn a lot, grow spiritually and more importantly I get to know myself better.

Hearing a NO after every single audition regarding commercial and films, is very discouraging. Everything I’ve got so far was a lead in theater or self produced films and commercials. I have graduated a year ago and been seriously auditioning for 9 months right now. I know, 9 months might be nothing or 9 months can be a lot. If I take it positively, it really is just the beginning, I came from Europe and I’m starting now versus all the other people who have been audition in LA since they were 3 years old. Having said that, when my sister does get something, a call back or a booking, I am so jealous and frustrated. What about me? Am I not good enough? STOP

There might be a role out there, which is only for me. But it’s not there yet, it’s not time yet. I have something unique, a unique characteristic, that defines me, only me. I am a fighter and I can be very powerful, yet caring. I have something, that no one else has. But only trough time, that will be revealed, only time will tell when I will be there at the right time, right place, right moment.

I have to believe that it will happen, then I won’t fear competition. Everybody has their own time. When I am up, others have to wait in line, and when other are up, I have to wait. Maybe I’m not phrasing it well. It’s not about waiting around. Waiting for my time to come. Between those moments, I do want to live. I have to love what I do. Find the love for my career. Only then I can make it till the end. Only then I can do this for a long period of time, not expecting anything, but just learning about life, people and myself. Besides what do I have to lose really? I’m on my own, I can follow my dream, I don’t have huge responsibility’s at the moment. I don’t have to ‘take care’ of someone else, I can completely focus on my goals. Besides it’s basic probability, it will happen, I just don’t know when.

I always get it when I don’t expect it. Where I least expect it. Just give, that’s what love is all about. Giving.  Focusing on what I want and give more, learn more, that’s where the competition will fade away. Fine, I’m not the best right now, well at least I’m learning about the business right now. I’m learning to be myself.

Much love

Do it myself

Hi my beautiful friends,

Yesterday, I went to a Fox advertising networking event. Initially I didn’t want to go, but I went anyway. I’ve gained more insight for personal growth than something learning new. All the companies who are holding these events, want something for their business, how can we contribute to their success. So obviously, they’re not really open into teaching something. Which I understand, they don’t want to waste their time. And that’s where I’ve realized that this might be the last event for this year. They all want the same, everybody wants to know how to get more fan engagement for their company by means of social media. All the bloggers and Youtubers are hijacking everything. Which means there is an opportunity for EVERYONE, since everyone can start a blog and a Youtube channel. Each and everyone can make it. I don’t have to be a big company anymore in order to let myself be heard. I can make it right now, if I start now. It’s all about thinking creatively and innovatively.

At first I was overwhelmed with the tasks I needed to do, to get the ‘fan engagement’ with my film, but I’ll just do baby steps.

The most important lesson I’ve learned yesterday, is that I cannot force things, I cannot fight time. Sometimes another door is being presented, but I don’t want to go there. However, in the long term it will actually help me to get where I need to be. That’s what I am facing right now. I am submitting myself, getting frustrated over the fact that I don’t get booked right now, in short waiting around to get noticed. On the contrary, I am getting opportunities to make my own short film, to market my own film.

I always thought that I have to be ‘discovered’, someone else has to believe in me and than I’ll make it. That is obviously a huge misconception. The power lies in me, I have to do it. If I want it, I have to do it myself and put myself out there.

Secretly I was waiting for someone who will discover me and put me in a film. That didn’t happen. Everything I’ve achieved so far, is because of myself. I’ve worked for each and everything that I have right now. I all did it myself. Nobody pushed me, nobody did it for me. It was all me.

Take care, big hug.

A new beginning

Hi Dear Friends,

It’s been exactly 5 years, since I met the person, who I thought could potentially be my best friend forever. He was my first love. It happened fast and we both ‘loved’ each other immensely. It was my first love and I was 20 years, when I met him. My intuition always told me that this love would never last. I’ve tried so hard and he did as well, to make it work. But our beliefs are different, his mentality is different. Our approach to life is different. We somehow, both of us tried to adjust, finding out that I was adjusting more, eventually slowly losing myself, just to be with that person. I’m ambitious, he likes to take things slow, we were working at a different pace. Jealousy occurred, eventually we wanted to let each other suffer. If he was down, and wanted me, I felt good and when I felt down and missed him, he was celebrating. It’s sick. However, I never intended to hurt him. I tried my best, to give love. He took advantage. I stepped out of the ‘game’, he felt that I’ve really started to ‘love’ him. And from there, the mental destruction started.

Now, 5 years later, in my own dream world, I still thought it would work, we could at least be friends, at least hear his voice. Good or Bad. But it has reached the limit. I found out he’s married and has a child. I can’t play anymore. I still haven’t reached to the level I need to be, because apparently part of me wants to hold on to the past. Therefore, I cannot grow, my soul cannot grow and cannot find space for new love. This back and forth, loving, hating, has been going on for 5 years. I’ve made my decision 3 months ago, -exactly at the time when I started this blog-, I will not go to my past. And I didn’t, but the person is contacting me now. I’ve blocked it. Yes, I missed him, from the bottom of my heart and also wanted him to suffer, because of all his lies and not being sincere. But that doesn’t matter, because I let myself betray me, since I wanted to talk to him, regardless of what he said. That’s how desperate I was.

5 Years, passed by quickly, if I give in to this feeling, it will last forever and nothing will be accomplished. I would still have him in my mind. I live in Los Angeles, this is my present and future, this is my new love. I’ve blocked everything about that person and now I leave it up to time. Time will heal everything. I loved him, I always will, but what’s done cannot be now amended.

I wanted my first love to be a beautiful fairy tale, I couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t last forever, that it was not destiny to be together. I didn’t want to see that. I desperately wanted to live in the illusion that everything was fine.

That ‘love’ made me suffer, I lost myself, was aggressive and became selfish. Ever since I started this blog and disconnected with that person, I am getting closer to myself, increasing confidence, I am kind and caring.

Now I have to think logical and start focusing on my goals and what I want. I forgive myself for letting this go on for 5 years and I forgive him for everything. I don’t regret anything, I am happy that I loved him, through him, I understood what love really means. That relationship taught me what ‘love’ really means. It’s unconditional, it’s not in the words, but in the actions. I really loved him, always will. But now it’s time to again embrace the present and follow my true destiny.

The reason why I hold on for 5 years to this ‘love’, ‘friendship’, even though I was suffering, is that I really wanted him in my life and that when I would ‘make’ it, we could be together. I don’t mind if I am wealthier than him, I would be very happy to help him with everything. But destiny has it’s own plan. My love is apparently meant for other people, for the world, not just to one person. Because his love, made my only love him, and it sucked the life out of me, I didn’t want to do anything anymore, other than just to be with him. That’s not love, that’s why I’ve realized now.

Love is letting each other go , to be able to follow your dream, trusting each other that they will come together, if it’s in their destiny. Love is not jealousy or letting each other suffer, in order to feel good, it’s not selfish and it doesn’t revolve around ego. It’s giving love unconditionally, and respecting each other equally. Love is respecting each other. Trusting each other. Not holding any grudges and being honest with each other.

That love was intense, but if I look closely, in those 5 years, I’ve suffered 99% in that relationship and there were only split seconds of happiness. Seconds. I almost lost my dream, my dream of becoming an actress.

I can achieve everything and have everything, but not at the time I want to. I have to have patience. And I can have that person, but oh my god, at what cost. If I choose him, I will lose everything what I have right now. I am in heaven now, I’m living the dream, almost making it into the film industry, couple of steps away, should I all flush it in the toilet, just to be with that person. Where I know, that I would suffer even more and really suffering, because that would mean going back to Europe, since he’s not coming here. Settle for less, have child, work hard, not following my dream, and not getting the ‘love’ I deserve. I mean am I that desperate? I cannot even trust him. But only to show my ego, that somewhere in my mind, I have him, he’s mine. God, I felt so lonely when I was with him or when we were contacting each other. After he hung up, I felt so down, as he was putting me down somehow. I felt so lonely. I am in single now, but I feel so alive and when I was in that relationship, wow that feeling of loneliness, hit me. He wasn’t there for me, wasn’t with me. Because I wasn’t with myself, I lost myself. I wasn’t present.

That’s stupid. It really is. Yet, so many people have done that and now I do hear them saying, they wished they didn’t play house and didn’t give in to that feeling and just followed their dream, they could have had a better future for their children. Buy better clothes for them. Wow. I really want my children to have a good life and a good father….

I have to see the bigger picture here. Lose this battle of love, lose this game and win the war. Thinking big and in the long term.

I have to think practical. And I am. I went to church, met lovely people, hanging out with lovely guys who knows what respect for women means.

I keep going. That’s all I can do. Keep moving forward. Not looking back. It’s done. It’s over. That’s it, let’s start a new life.