I woke up at 7.50 am, took a shower, scheduled in my photo shoot and about to put on some make up. I’m still here alive, but my thoughts are, I would say ‘emotionally bankrupt’. For me at the moment, there is no point of living. I’ll be honest with you, I have tried very hard. And I know why, I know the reason now. Every time when I ask my sister, mother or anyone out there, for advice, I’m getting negative responses. Very negative. It’s not their fault. Because with asking for advice, I’m not letting go, I’m basically asking what should I do, because I don’t want to take responsibility for my mistake. I am making mistakes every day, every minute, every second. All the time, I’m missing the mark. I AM doing that, no one else.
If I would be my own mother, and I have to forgive me, I would do it right away. I would see myself through the eyes of another person and I see a very daring, hard working person, who just tries to be perfect. She is already great, but she doesn’t see it herself. That’s why she keeps pushing herself, often too hard, which gives her no hope.
It’s true, I want to get things very fast, I am very result oriented. I wasn’t like that before, but since I was 13 years old, I have become this grumpy, competitive person. Only one year, since I was doing another study, I was released from all tension, didn’t care about what others were doing or thinking about me. Difference? I never told anyone, my inner thoughts, never said it out loud that they could hear me. Not my sister, mother or anyone. If something didn’t work out, I thought by myself, fine, I’ll do it again.
This is the first time, after 10 years, that I am trying to improve myself. It’s very hard, to deal with yourself. Very hard, no one is saying: ‘Wow, you’re great, you’re doing a great job! You’re the best! Wow, you’ve got so much confidence, you’re awesome.’
Frankly speaking, I am waiting for these compliments, I want it. However, to tell you the truth, I have been getting compliments, but no results. Thus, compliments, in it self, is one second of a good feeling, but other than that it’s nothing, it’s empty. To give myself these compliments, is even more frighting. I don’t like myself at all! And my hair, god, difficult. I am ironing it now, since it looks better on camera. My hair is naturally curly, very difficult to maintain.
Yes, It takes time to look good, to be ‘yourself’, to accomplish your dream, I’m making mistakes all the time and I have to take responsibility for that. But that’s the thing, I see life now as only taking responsibility. No love, no constant happiness. Only discipline, be on time, do your work, work out, take responsibilities for your mistakes and actions. So boring. One year ago I rebelled, since I thought life was too boring. Well, I lost a wonderful opportunity. I don’t want to make that mistake again. But it’s also very hard to keep going. Yes of course, I appreciate everything, but I feel empty. I work and do my best, for what? If I die, no one cares, I haven’t accomplished something significant to be remembered. I know, sounds very depressing, but that’s how I feel right now.
I am in a tunnel, but I don’t see any end, no perspective. I don’t dare to make an end of my life, my parents and sister have scarified way too much for me. Their love, the only love I have at the moment, is way too powerful. Also, Karma will hit me in my other life if I do that, that’s what I know for sure :P But seriously, I don’t dare to quit, I don’t want to. For the outer world, I am a good hard working citizen. Let’s see, sometimes I feel out of this world, amazing and sometimes I feel so depressed and cynical, that there is no hope.
I’ll pray to God, I hope one day light will be again shining inside of me.