What’s the point?

Good morning,

I woke up at 7.50 am, took a shower, scheduled in my photo shoot and about to put on some make up. I’m still here alive, but my thoughts are, I would say ‘emotionally bankrupt’. For me at the moment, there is no point of living. I’ll be honest with you, I have tried very hard. And I know why, I know the reason now. Every time when I ask my sister, mother or anyone out there, for advice, I’m getting negative responses. Very negative. It’s not their fault. Because with asking for advice, I’m not letting go, I’m basically asking what should I do, because I don’t want to take responsibility for my mistake. I am making mistakes every day, every minute, every second. All the time, I’m missing the mark. I AM doing that, no one else.

If I would be my own mother, and I have to forgive me, I would do it right away. I would see myself through the eyes of another person and I see a very daring, hard working person, who just tries to be perfect. She is already great, but she doesn’t see it herself. That’s why she keeps pushing herself, often too hard, which gives her no hope.

It’s true, I want to get things very fast, I am very result oriented. I wasn’t like that before, but since I was 13 years old, I have become this grumpy, competitive person. Only one year, since I was doing another study, I was released from all tension, didn’t care about what others were doing or thinking about me. Difference? I never told anyone, my inner thoughts, never said it out loud that they could hear me. Not my sister, mother or anyone. If something didn’t work out, I thought by myself, fine, I’ll do it again.

This is the first time, after 10 years, that I am trying to improve myself. It’s very hard, to deal with yourself. Very hard, no one is saying: ‘Wow, you’re great, you’re doing a great job! You’re the best! Wow, you’ve got so much confidence, you’re awesome.’ 

Frankly speaking, I am waiting for these compliments, I want it. However, to tell you the truth, I have been getting compliments, but no results. Thus, compliments, in it self, is one second of a good feeling, but other than that it’s nothing, it’s empty. To give myself these compliments, is even more frighting. I don’t like myself at all! And my hair, god, difficult. I am ironing it now, since it looks better on camera. My hair is naturally curly, very difficult to maintain.

Yes, It takes time to look good, to be ‘yourself’, to accomplish your dream, I’m making mistakes all the time and I have to take responsibility for that. But that’s the thing, I see life now as only taking responsibility. No love, no constant happiness. Only discipline, be on time, do your work, work out, take responsibilities for your mistakes and actions. So boring. One year ago I rebelled, since I thought life was too boring. Well, I lost a wonderful opportunity. I don’t want to make that mistake again. But it’s also very hard to keep going. Yes of course, I appreciate everything, but I feel empty. I work and do my best, for what? If I die, no one cares, I haven’t accomplished something significant to be remembered. I know, sounds very depressing, but that’s how I feel right now.

I am in a tunnel, but I don’t see any end, no perspective. I don’t dare to make an end of my life, my parents and sister have scarified way too much for me. Their love, the only love I have at the moment, is way too powerful. Also, Karma will hit me in my other life if I do that, that’s what I know for sure :P But seriously, I don’t dare to quit, I don’t want to. For the outer world, I am a good hard working citizen. Let’s see, sometimes I feel out of this world, amazing and sometimes I feel so depressed and cynical, that there is no hope.

I’ll pray to God, I hope one day light will be again shining inside of me.

Thank you.

Stay close to yourself

Good morning sun shines!

This week has actually been a beautiful week. Of course I had some Melancholy thoughts, about some of the decisions and choices I made in my life, but a lot of good things happened as well. Also, I would like to share a ‘radio’ app called 8tracks. At 9am, when I was eating my banana, I listened to some jazz, some lounge music. It was absolutely relaxing, thinking positive and being grateful about my life. Really nice and life is beautiful. That track was on the list ‘And I think to myself, what a wonderful world’, really beautiful and great to listen to in the early morning. When you allow yourself to have a ‘morning’, eating breakfast, not rushing and listen to some jazz music, wow, it makes a huge difference. What a great way, to start the day!

Financially, things are going well *touch wood*, which allows me to make better decisions based on what is good for me in the long run versus making choices out of desperation. I had some agency meetings. This one was licensed and I read some good reviews about the agency on the internet. Like I said before, no matter what, I still can get easily persuaded. For the first time I was getting advice well actually directions on my eyebrows. The theatrical and commercial agents were both in the room and they said I should trim it a bit, make it thinner. Honestly, I was surprised to hear that. Everyone who I met, guys and girls told me I had beautiful eyes and eyebrows! My eyebrows are thick, but not too thick, to give you an idea, let’s say Elizabeth Taylor style. I wasn’t offended, I was still being positive and went on with the meeting. I wanted to be open to things, so I just allowed myself to listen to them and of course deciding later what I should do. In general the meeting went fine, they give me some good tools regarding my head shot and they were willing to work with me. I guess they sensed that I had a ‘letgo’ mentality in the meeting, I wasn’t desperate for it. I still have a lot to learn, to still give feedback and speak my mind in a polite way without coming across as if I’m defending myself. My sister would say: ‘Well that’s subjective, but I think about it.’ Next time, I will respond the same way. My response was: ‘Oookay, hmmm’. I didn’t say yes or no. Apart from that they liked my reel and they do see me in sitcoms and on TV shows. Obviously, that gave me a boost and they also sensed that I had other meetings as well. All the meetings I had so far were generally positive and they were willing to collaborate with me.

Now the point is, it’s not about getting compliments or that they are actually willing to collaborate with me. It is about the fact can they get me the job, can they represent me, as I am and pitch ME? I have to be honest with myself and the answer will be no. I haven’t found an agent that knows how to represent me and is willing to fight for me. I understand that I have to give 90% of effort and I am doing that now. I am improving myself, taking new head shots again to capture my true personality, my essence, taking (free) workshop classes, going to events, making my own movie, etc. The only thing I need from an agent is getting me auditions where I have no access to. Actually not only that, someone who thinks in the long run who thinks big. Some of the agents I met were thinking too aggressively, some agents were putting me down, some agents had no idea what they were doing, some agents (licensed) had not too much connections with casting directors.

Still, here I am without an agent. Or I can think positive and actually acknowledge the fact that I am coming closer to myself, finding out who I am, learning a lot about the industry, about myself. So when the time is right, I’m ready. If I go into the ‘comparing road’, everybody is far ahead of me. However, I don’t want to do things which are against my principles. I’ll be honest with you I was thinking about making my eyebrows thinner. The only reason I’m not doing it is because my parents and my sister are backing me up and saying the more you will compromise, the more you will change for them and you will lose your true identity. They are absolutely right. Someone will find my eyebrows too thick, but another person may find it absolutely stunning. It’s subjective.

It’s seems cool to say that I have an agent. I’ll be honest with you, it might be the only reason why I would say yes. Just to say to the outer world, yes I’ve got an agent. However, I’m the one who has to deal with them and in the long run, I might suffer. Thus, I made the choice to keep searching, keep submitting my headshot and resume to other agencies and hopefully I will find a reasonable, licensed agency that will be happy to collaborate with ME.

Yes, I’m still fighting those negative thoughts which are depleting my energy. Thoughts that want to go into the past and would like to stay in the past.  Thoughts such as: The past was so good, I shouldn’t have done that, I wish I had a partner. Now, I try to push myself and say to myself that everything is fine and it’s going well. I push myself everyday to stay positive. I’m redirecting my thoughts everyday. It might be an ongoing process for the rest of my life, but it becomes easier to think positive now, since I am pushing myself. When you are thinking positive, wow, that feels great. Thinking positive and not comparing myself with others, it makes my life so complete. And more important, getting closer to myself, that is very fulfilling. It makes me happy and content, no matter what I have, I always have myself and God.

I always remind myself that God can give me everything I want, but he can also take away everything I have. Therefore I am grateful for what I have and keep moving forward.

Thank you, with love and respect. Love you all and have a wonderful day.

How to let go?

Hi dear ones,

Today, I woke up at 7 am and went to church. Initially, I didn’t want to go, since I went a couple of times to the church here, but I found it very exhausting which to me should have been enlightening. In the morning, I honestly didn’t want to go. I expressed this to my sister and she repeatedly said: ‘ You don’t have to go. You can go next week.’ My mom told me that I should at least try it out and because my sister had a positive experience the other day, I wanted to experience it. However, my sister kept saying you don’t have to go, which pissed me of. Now, I was determined to go, no matter what. She knows my inner thoughts and I mostly revealed those thoughts. Just some advice for any relationships, at least a big advice for myself. Don’t reveal your inner thoughts, when you’re living with that person. Only if you really have to, but otherwise don’t reveal it. It can turn against you. Back in Europe I use to have my own room and I would be very moody and have negative thoughts, but when I would go outside, nobody knows. I put on a smile and just go. Now that my sister knows what I was thinking, she made me even more aware of my thoughts. 

Also dear people, I feel that I don’t speak properly in public. I used to know it all and speak wise and all of that, well I feel stupid now. My sister had all her wisdom ready and knows what to say, when people approached us in the church. Since she knew the lady who was talking to us, I kept silence. I honestly thought, from all those years of talking ‘nonsense’, let me just listen. And I honestly belief that I never have something interesting to say, so I might as well keep quiet. But than, there was one moment, I felt an impulse to say something and I did. God, I felt a big energy from my sister, an energy of rejection. An energy that I shouldn’t have said that. Basically I said something that I was very excited about the fact that the church had some connections with acting. For one moment I let loose and I was superbly excited about that fact, since I had no idea. ‘Well, it’s not about that’, said my saint sister. God, I felt so bad and it came across as desperate. That’s the last thing now that I want. I was poised at first, but I guess I’ve realized something. Don’t tell anyone how much you love that person or how much you want to become something or get something. The only thing you truly want is to be close to yourself or God. God is everything. He takes everything away and he gives everything. 

If I don’t know how to speak ‘wise’ in public or I feel intimidated by others to speak my mind, there will come a time that this becomes simple, easy and naturally. It comes from a place of abundance. And abundance is created by becoming close to God, to yourself. I don’t want to sound, talk and think desperate. However, this made me realize that I still secretly hope that I will ‘make it’. The only thing I can do is do my work. Now how in the world can I go to church next Sunday, if they might think: ‘Oh, she’s only here to make connections’. Trust me when I say this, I didn’t come to this church for that, since I had no idea that people of the industry often come to this particular church. When I was there today, I was thinking of how to let go and that I found the answer. I found the answer to my question of how to let go.

Pray to God, don’t worship other people or things. The only thing who is Almighty is God. I feel horrible that I said that I was excited and that I showed my excitement. Absolutely horrible. Since it can go away in a second. The only thing that stays is me, myself and I. Always. But what can I do right now? Punish myself by not going anymore? In an hour the Swiss film festival starts. I don’t feel like going. I don’t want that my nonsense talk or perhaps desperateness is revealed. Then why in the world am I going to the film festival? That’s the question, why am I going? Initially, I said that I just wanted to experience things. Than the goal changed into getting connections, than it changed into finding my partner. ‘You never know who you meet.’ I really don’t feel like going. But I have to push myself. Usually I could write more positively. But I feel a bit hopeless now and I feel sad. I’m trying to hold my tears right now. I don’t know why I’m going. I just want to be an actress, by acting in movies. Since I’m living with someone who doesn’t think like that and feel that this is a very superficial goal, I feel so disgusted about myself. I was all about wisdom when I was young, I still am, but like I said before in my previous posts, I get very easily persuaded by things. 

I thought I learned something positive today and was excited to share this with you, but it has turned into something sad. I still have a lot to learn. I’m definitely trying not to share my inner thoughts to people. Only to you, since this is the only way to let go of my thoughts. I have to share it with someone, I want to share it with someone, with you. Since I do want to tell you that I’m not happy at the moment about myself and the way I talk and carry myself, but I still keep going. And I AM going to that film festival, no matter what.

I’ve got nothing to lose. This day is not over yet. I might have lost something in the morning, but I might find something in the afternoon. Or not. It doesn’t really matter. This is me, with all my flaws. There is one big positive thing about me, I always keep going, no matter what. 

Love you, Take Care. 

A wish to find and love myself again

Hi my dear ones,

I knew who I was at a very early age, than I lost myself when I was 13 and now, I’m slowly finding myself again. Before I turned 13, those years were great, since I handled every single challenge maturely. I was very caring and loved to take charge, but also wanted to be a good host and entertain people. I always made sure that people were having a good time, I was just simply guiding. Than when I turned 13, I was in high school. Oh god, I hung out with people who appeared to be nice and I thought they genuinely cared about me. How wrong was I. I liked them a lot and therefore I got persuaded easily. Suddenly it was all about status, popularity, being liked, being the best, all those things became important to me and the fear of losing that increased. When I went to college, I promised myself that I would never do that to myself again. There are no friends, real friends. There are good people and they come and go, but unfortunately from my experience, every ‘friend’ has a hidden agenda. Which is fine, I’ve learned to accept it.

I’ve discovered that my best friend is me. I am my own best friend. I know exactly what to say to myself,  to get myself up. When I am alone, I handle things maturely. As soon as I interact with people and I like them, I suddenly become less poised, overly smiling, start pleasing, become needy. When I am alone, I have more control of the situation, I don’t complain, no matter what the challenge is, I handle it always in a very mature way. Simply because, when I’m alone, I don’t have anyone to complain to, I don’t feed the negative thoughts. I start being productive and use whatever energy I have, I turn it into something positive by doing something productive, such as writing, cleaning, working on my craft, working on my movie etc.

I want to be me again, I used to be, very honest to myself and others, caring, taking responsibility, handle things maturely, being disciplined, having a strong positive mindset, working on my craft and master it, focusing only on myself and not get persuaded by other people’s negative or selfish thinking. I used to love everything I did, with great care and if it didn’t work out, with enthusiasm I would try it again. I love my name, I want to love my soul. I want to love me and be me again. That’s my wish.

My birthday is at the end of September and that’s my birthday wish. A wish to find and love myself again.

Love you a lot.

Challenge and Questions

Hi my beautiful sweethearts,

One simple day, can be the best, but it can also be dragging. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t wait till these four months are over and we’re entering 2015. I have never ever thought about it this way in my life. I woke up at 8.30 am, freshened up and e-mailed a couple of agents again for representation. Quite frankly, a lot of them replied during these past months, but either they weren’t licensed or they said: ‘Great, would love to meet you, I like your reel’. After that I e-mailed and never heard from then again. I showed my response to my sister and she told me that I have to set up a date and not wait for it. REALLY?! Are you serious?! I told my sister this same advice, 3 years ago. I know this, but I lost enthusiasm and I’ve been meeting a lot of agencies where they don’t want to put in the work, they’re waiting for me to ‘get there’. And that’s where it hit me. That’s where I’ve realized that I’ve turned into a person that only wants to get things and is waiting for it. Consequently, I’m meeting specifically these people who also resonates terms as needy and desperateness and waiting for results. Now I understand, why people say: ‘Know Thyself‘.

4 months people, 4 months, I’m giving myself 4 months to turn myself from needy, desperate, fear of letting go, to independent, letting go easily, doing my work, focusing on myself, working on myself. Several agents, auditions and parts have come my way, but time and time again I’ve lost it. Why? Because I want it so much. I seriously cannot let go of the fact, that I might not get, what I want. But instead of me focusing on this result, I can take the 4 month challenge, to work on myself, on my craft, on my career, without any result. In 4 months, we’re going to 2015.

These are the things I would like to work on and trust me, these things used to be material things. Not anymore, I’ve seen a lot and material things are not the things that give me happiness. Material things, objects can go away, but me, myself and I remains with me. No guy, no person, even parents, career, success they all can go away, unfortunately. The only thing I have is me.

Okay, so these are things I would like to acquire in 4 months and the questions that I have now to get to that state:

-Don’t hold on to things, even if I get an agent, TV show, or a successful career, let go of the results, it could all go away in a blink of an eye. How to let go easily? How can you not hold on to things tightly? It’s all I’ve ever wanted, how can I not be desperate?
-Focusing only on myself and people that inspires me. How can I only focus on myself, if I think I’m not doing good?
-Being disciplined, efficient, don’t fall astray. How can I trust myself more that I don’t fall astray?
-Being fast in reading scripts and audition powerfully, so directors remember me. This question I can google and is a matter of practice. ;)
-
Knowing who I am, Who am I? I know what I want to be, independent, taking charge of my own destiny, working efficiently, being strong, walk and talk with confidence. Having balance in my life, don’t smile too much, more composed. I often smile to people or laugh just to make them feel comfortable. However my jaw hurts from smiling too much!
-Daring to ask the questions regarding the acting business to people I meet. Daring to speak up, and being critical. I used to be like this in high school and in business. Now I want to take this with me for the business of acting.
-Accepting things that I cannot change, accepting my look, my appearance.
-Focus on giving to the world, to people, more about making myself valuable to contribute to the society, to the film, to the project. How can I put my ego aside completely?
-Having the right attitude, thinking positive, big, efficiently, being energetic. How to forgive yourself quickly? Even if you make a million dollar mistake and companies are relying on you, you could’t live up to their expectation, how to forgive yourself. This boils down to the previous question. How can you put your ego aside, they were all depending on you, how can you do this, how should you think? How do successful people think in these kind of situations?
– Being physically fit, increasing my stamina. Dance more.

God, I’m reading this, and it is a challenge for me. If I can truly master this and acquire these skills, I’m able to help more, be more efficient, forgive myself quickly and move on.  It’s time to give and give and give. That’s a challenge.

I don’t know how ladies and gentlemen, but I do know that I want this more than anything in the world. I really want to be myself, trust myself. I really want to THINK successful. In my mind I want to be successful, so I can always rely on myself, through good and bad times. Since it’s not about making mistakes or failing, it’s about getting back up. How? I don’t know, let the journey unfold these answers.

Love you all sincerely. Big hug.

 

Learning

Good afternoon my beautiful friends,

I woke up at 7am, had breakfast, prayed and then went straight to my laptop and wanted to work at my craft. Instead I felt into a routine of e-mailing agents and submitting for auditions. I had to stop there. I followed my impulse, got up and picked up my camera, I made a self tape audition. It was awful, since I’m not able to portray the character yet. The only thing I see, is fear. Lot’s of fear in my eyes. This fear is from real life. This fear comes from negative thinking. This fear comes from feeding negative thoughts that I will never work as an actress full time. Guess what, the business has changed. I can make my own films, record myself, put myself out there. Which I did, I made my own short films, made my own commercial, made my own reel. However, no result. I wanted to surrender, avoid working at it, since nobody seems to be interested. Since when am I giving control to others?

To take control, I have to stop waiting to get things and start giving. Which I did, but let me enjoy in giving more than receiving. Receiving is a plus. I’m learning to give again, find enjoyment in giving, I’m learning to have a strong mindset. Not to be persuaded by others. I am still learning. I want to learn. Forget about getting it, let me master it. Master whatever I need in order to be the best person I can be. For the past 3 years I have been very needy mentally and get persuaded easily. Fine, that was me, I’m trying to overcome that. With all my flaws I have, I’m trying to overcome that insecurity and moving on to a powerful place, a mindset where I trust myself. Where I let go of things. I’m not there yet, but let me learn to get there and stay there. The only positive asset I have, at least that’s what I feel, is willpower. Willpower, the willingness to learn, to master, to conquer any fears I have.

Putting my ego aside, which is a hard thing to do for me, because ‘OMG’, I want to be the best and have it all right now, I really have to put my ego aside. Well, I don’t have to, but I can’t expect that I will find people who would like to give, if I am holding on to my things.

I seriously focused too much on results and my fears, than my work. Focus on the work. Let go of whatever will be, I’ve nothing to lose anymore. What do I want, just focus on that and do it. And that’s what I’m doing right now, I’m doing my work. Putting my short film out there, working on my craft. Working on what needs to be done. Forget about everything else, just focus on what you want to do, what is necessary to accomplish your goal. My short term goal is getting cast as the lead in a feature film. I’m working on my character. Long term goal: being a good human being, contribute to the society. Letting go of everything and just live my life. 

Let’s find out, let’s explore. Hmmm, I used to dislike these words, since I always wanted to know the answers. Like maths, it’s logical. Life is not logical, but I can make it logical. It’s a system, a code, I just have to crack that code and I have unleashed the power. The power of my true essence, me, myself and I. 4 months, 4 months and we are in 2015. 4 months, can be a lot. Anything can happen. ANYTHING.

God bless you, love you all.

 

What’s going on?

Good evening my lovely friends,

My Sunday started out great, until I got hit by the reality that the reason why I came here, from to Los Angeles, is to become an actress. Now press wise, I am an actress, nominated for my acting work and praised about my career. But Acting is having a feature film, short film music video, play and then you’re not getting booked for months, years…. I e-mailed a casting directer with enthusiasm if I could audition for the role. The casting director didn’t reply back, but the producer did. I was actually quite surprised that she replied back. Unfortunately, she said: ‘ You’re not right for this role, but I’m glad  to know your work for future possibilities.’ The first part, ‘I’m not right for this role’, why not?! Seriously, why not. It has been a year now and unfortunately I’ve haven’t been booked for anything. I’m audition and getting compliments, but never hear anything back. That’s why I have made my own short film. I do want to act, I want to read those words from the script, make the words alive, tell my story. What can I do? Keep improving my work? For how long? I have been working on my craft and graduated from an acting school a year ago. I was praised a lot, but in reality, not booking. I don’t care how many compliments I get, I’m still not getting booked. I know other things might be more important, I have a warm house, parents, sister. But I also have a dream. 

I’m telling you this, because maybe, I don’t know when, but if I do become someone and actually book a feature film and it will be in theaters, I can look back at these moments. That 90% declined be, but I still went for it, I kept going. It’s do or die. That’s it, very simple. Whatever it takes, whatever I can do, following the right path, not being desperate, but making right choices, following my intuition, I hope somewhere a casting director, director, producer would like to work with me. Trust me, when I’m on fire and I don’t even realize it, I know I can be good. Being an actor is knowing yourself, every great actor played himself on screen. When everything is in sync, when all the stars are in place, when the time is RIGHT, it will happen. Right now they are rejecting me, but it’s okay. I’m almost turning 25. I had dreams and expectations about my love life and career. I don’t know how long it will take me to get cast as a leading actress or how long It will take me to let my heart go to someone again, but the only thing I can do is make myself worthy, keeping my dignity and having self respect. It’s fine keep rejecting me. Love wise, career wise, throw as much rejection you want, I’m falling on the ground, but I’m getting up as well – It isn’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. – Rocky.  

God bless you all, love you all.

Feedback Short film

Hi my lovely friends,

Sometimes I really don’t know what to do with some feedback I get. Yesterday, I went to the women in media breakfast event and I met someone who organizes a film festival event. I told her about my film and perhaps it would fit for her film festival and perhaps she knows some women magazines who can write about my short film, which is made by a female director, my sister. And currently it is being considered for ‘My Hero film festival’. Anyway, she was happy to help out. I’ve send her my short film and press kit via e-mail. Today, at 3.00pm I received an e-mail from her.  I was very excited to hear her thoughts and if she knew some potential film festivals and magazines who would be interested in our short film. However, the feedback I got was to basically change the core of the film. I’m fine with feedback, constructive feedback, but somehow there was a hint of ‘you won’t get anywhere with your film’. ‘Oh Homelessness, no one cares‘. At the event itself she sounded a bit negative and my intuition told me, that she doesn’t see the opportunities that COULD come your way. I still asked for some advice though, you never know. Now, I do know that the publishers told JK Rowling to get rid of the core of her book ‘Harry Potter’, which is the character ‘Voldermort’. She got rejected 13 times, by the biggest publishers and still went on. That’s an inspiration for me. If I really think I should change it, I would. However, something tells me that I should go on with the short film that me and my sister made. 

Honestly speaking, there comes a time that you just have to send what you have, or else you keep changing the film, book, music whatever it is, because so and so find it more interesting that way. Arghhh, I really want my short film to be selected! I’m battling with a lot of rejection and sexual frustration as well. That’s why I want this film to get recognized even more! So I can shift my focus to the outer world instead of focusing too much on my inner feelings. My thoughts can easily go to darkness and can go to a place of regret and ‘why I didn’t choose for that person over my career’ and ‘why I’ve chosen for the most challenging career in the world ACTING?!’ It goes in a split second, but I’m very determined to think POSITIVE. I PUSH MYSELF to think in a productive, positive and healthy way. I deserve to be HAPPY.

It makes me happy, if I can contribute to the society through my films. Everyday, there is a new hope, everyday, I wake up and pray for balance in my life. I appreciate my life and I’m healthy. That’s what I remind myself everyday, to keep going. Just keep going. Right now, you’re a big part that keeps me going ;) And of course my favorite TV soap, which puts me in an exciting state and gives me the hope that there are gentlemen out there ;) Because secretly, even though I’ve ‘let go’, secretly I’m still hoping for that one guy, my hero, my gentleman, who knows what I want. Secretly, I still wait for that moment. Even though, I would like to be this powerful independent single woman, that I would like to project to the world, right now, I still have my moments of despair. Which is okay, as long as I keep going, all is well;)

Love you all a lot! 

Submitting to filmfestivals

Good morning my beautiful friends,

I woke up at 7 am, feels great to wake up early. I’ve got so much time and it gets me in a relaxed mood, I can start the day freshly now. Initially I didn’t want to wake up, I felt a bit sad. In the past, well 3 years ago, when I went from Europe to Hollywood, I had to say goodbye to my favorite cousins. That is if I would walk with time. Time told me that these beautiful moments I shared with my cousins, -who I practically grew up with, I feel that they are my brothers-, will change. We ‘gameboyed’ together, played hide and seek, laughed a lot, pajama party’s etc. It was amazing. But during that time, somehow, I always was thinking about ‘making it’. When will I make it. Now, of course, I wish I’ve let that go, because now I’m taking steps to it and I’m in Hollywood now! If I was present and let go of everything, enjoyed and indulged into the moment, I wouldn’t miss them so much. However, if, if, if, it’s gone. Now they have girlfriends and we don’t share that equation anymore. It’s okay, I just felt sad. However, this piece of information helps me to improve the PRESENT. I have a wonderful baby sister. Instead of thinking ‘making it’ or finding my ‘true love’, I will enjoy my time with my beautiful sister. Because who knows, time will change…we are both single. Time changes, it doesn’t stop. Instead of resisting time, I would like to follow time as it presents to me and go with the flow. I never really understood that ‘go with the flow’, but now I do. I trust. I prayed and now I’m writing, which feels exhilarating. 

At 10.15am I’ve got a women in breakfast networking event. A director will attend the event and will talk about her short films which has been selected and won at several film festivals. Great, so far I’ve found one worthy film festival, which I’ve submitted to. Hope I can find more worthy ones, which cares about social cause, such as Homelessness. At the event, they will give us breakfast from Porto’s bakery! Love it! After that, I will go to Whole Foods, buy fruit and vegetables.

I will find more worthy film festivals. Time will show me, I trust that it will. It always have and always will. I will always treasure those beautiful moments from the past, but the present is where I want to be right NOW.

Love you all! 

 

Searching for film festivals

Hi my beautiful friends,

I’m so happy to write to you how my day has been and what I’ve done today in order to accomplish my long term goal. Like I said before, if I don’t post what I’ve done, I feel as if I haven’t done anything and I feel empty. This is a part of my life that I actually look forward to, besides watching my favorite soap ;)

I woke up at 7.30am and put on some make-up, to go to a TV show, which is a side job, but honestly a very educating and motivating side job. However, since it was a new TV show, new location, I had trouble finding it, as I was not aloud to bring my phone with me. And I travel by bus. I arrived there late and wasn’t allowed to enter anymore. I walked all the way back to Target, which was a 45 minutes’ walk, in my mind it took hours, but I kept walking, no breaks.  As I was walking back, I was very disappointed, but I didn’t want to discourage myself for the rest of the day. Yes, I had some negative thoughts, saying: ‘it was my fault and I should have checked the location properly’. As I arrived at Target, I was exhausted and sat down at the terrace. I really wanted to think that whatever happens, happens for a reason. So I figured, this was meant to be and perhaps God wanted me to let me focus on other things. Put more focus into my short film. Find more efficient and innovative ways to market my film and submitting to the right festivals. I decided to let go what happened in the early morning and move on.

Before I went back home, I first bought some delicious sandwiches at Mendocino Farms, a Vegan Shawarma and a Turkey/Avocado Sandwich. Mmmm, delicious! I was really happy and was grateful, that I could afford these sandwiches.

Was this a waste of my time? No, I enjoyed the early morning and made some realizations for my short film. Moreover, I cannot fight time, if time wants me to relax I will, since it is a preparation of what is about to come. At least that’s what I’ve experienced. And yes, I can be very indecisive sometimes, perhaps often, but like I said, I really push myself to think positively and efficiently. I am only human, and therefore, unfortunately I make mistakes. Life doesn’t go smoothly all the time. I just have to accept that.

Around 1.30pm, I arrived home and took my laptop to Tiago, where I could be productive and search for film festivals. Wow, that was a task! I would like to target film festivals which focuses mainly on women as filmmakers and on an important social issue. Most of the deadline dates have passed. That was discouraging. I checked on Withoutabox, film freeway and on Google. I e-mailed some people, perhaps they could tell me what film festivals to submit to. An hour went by and unfortunately, I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

However, I have received some e-mails back from sponsors. One huge company is willing to do it, but the request is still in consideration. Hope that works out.

My sister was with me and told me to perhaps sign up for networking events and literately ask face to face to people, which film festival is the right one for our short film. I checked on Eventbrite and signed up for a lot of networking events. Some of them are at the W hotel, some are in theaters. Bottom line, I’m going to meet a lot of industry people. Perhaps God wanted me to MEET people, as opposed to submitting to things, behind a screen. Meeting people, is a feeling of existence. And I actually am looking forward to these networking events. Simply meeting people and sharing my work. It’s a beautiful opportunity to get more information to get to the next step. It’s exciting, I really don’t know what to expect, but I always want to take chances in life. Take a risk, that’s where I get my KICK from. I have no idea, what the result might be, but I do know that I really want to ACHIEVE my goal. Enjoy my life as well, eating my favorite food, watching my favorite soap. Oehh, that gives me a lot of excitement. It helps me to move forward. These are the little things I look forward to.

Let’s hope for the best! It’s 6.42 pm and now I’m going to treat myself by watching my favorite soap! :)

Love you!