Good afternoon my beautiful friends,
I woke up at 7am, had breakfast, prayed and then went straight to my laptop and wanted to work at my craft. Instead I felt into a routine of e-mailing agents and submitting for auditions. I had to stop there. I followed my impulse, got up and picked up my camera, I made a self tape audition. It was awful, since I’m not able to portray the character yet. The only thing I see, is fear. Lot’s of fear in my eyes. This fear is from real life. This fear comes from negative thinking. This fear comes from feeding negative thoughts that I will never work as an actress full time. Guess what, the business has changed. I can make my own films, record myself, put myself out there. Which I did, I made my own short films, made my own commercial, made my own reel. However, no result. I wanted to surrender, avoid working at it, since nobody seems to be interested. Since when am I giving control to others?
To take control, I have to stop waiting to get things and start giving. Which I did, but let me enjoy in giving more than receiving. Receiving is a plus. I’m learning to give again, find enjoyment in giving, I’m learning to have a strong mindset. Not to be persuaded by others. I am still learning. I want to learn. Forget about getting it, let me master it. Master whatever I need in order to be the best person I can be. For the past 3 years I have been very needy mentally and get persuaded easily. Fine, that was me, I’m trying to overcome that. With all my flaws I have, I’m trying to overcome that insecurity and moving on to a powerful place, a mindset where I trust myself. Where I let go of things. I’m not there yet, but let me learn to get there and stay there. The only positive asset I have, at least that’s what I feel, is willpower. Willpower, the willingness to learn, to master, to conquer any fears I have.
Putting my ego aside, which is a hard thing to do for me, because ‘OMG’, I want to be the best and have it all right now, I really have to put my ego aside. Well, I don’t have to, but I can’t expect that I will find people who would like to give, if I am holding on to my things.
I seriously focused too much on results and my fears, than my work. Focus on the work. Let go of whatever will be, I’ve nothing to lose anymore. What do I want, just focus on that and do it. And that’s what I’m doing right now, I’m doing my work. Putting my short film out there, working on my craft. Working on what needs to be done. Forget about everything else, just focus on what you want to do, what is necessary to accomplish your goal. My short term goal is getting cast as the lead in a feature film. I’m working on my character. Long term goal: being a good human being, contribute to the society. Letting go of everything and just live my life.
Let’s find out, let’s explore. Hmmm, I used to dislike these words, since I always wanted to know the answers. Like maths, it’s logical. Life is not logical, but I can make it logical. It’s a system, a code, I just have to crack that code and I have unleashed the power. The power of my true essence, me, myself and I. 4 months, 4 months and we are in 2015. 4 months, can be a lot. Anything can happen. ANYTHING.
God bless you, love you all.