A new beginning

Hi Dear Friends,

It’s been exactly 5 years, since I met the person, who I thought could potentially be my best friend forever. He was my first love. It happened fast and we both ‘loved’ each other immensely. It was my first love and I was 20 years, when I met him. My intuition always told me that this love would never last. I’ve tried so hard and he did as well, to make it work. But our beliefs are different, his mentality is different. Our approach to life is different. We somehow, both of us tried to adjust, finding out that I was adjusting more, eventually slowly losing myself, just to be with that person. I’m ambitious, he likes to take things slow, we were working at a different pace. Jealousy occurred, eventually we wanted to let each other suffer. If he was down, and wanted me, I felt good and when I felt down and missed him, he was celebrating. It’s sick. However, I never intended to hurt him. I tried my best, to give love. He took advantage. I stepped out of the ‘game’, he felt that I’ve really started to ‘love’ him. And from there, the mental destruction started.

Now, 5 years later, in my own dream world, I still thought it would work, we could at least be friends, at least hear his voice. Good or Bad. But it has reached the limit. I found out he’s married and has a child. I can’t play anymore. I still haven’t reached to the level I need to be, because apparently part of me wants to hold on to the past. Therefore, I cannot grow, my soul cannot grow and cannot find space for new love. This back and forth, loving, hating, has been going on for 5 years. I’ve made my decision 3 months ago, -exactly at the time when I started this blog-, I will not go to my past. And I didn’t, but the person is contacting me now. I’ve blocked it. Yes, I missed him, from the bottom of my heart and also wanted him to suffer, because of all his lies and not being sincere. But that doesn’t matter, because I let myself betray me, since I wanted to talk to him, regardless of what he said. That’s how desperate I was.

5 Years, passed by quickly, if I give in to this feeling, it will last forever and nothing will be accomplished. I would still have him in my mind. I live in Los Angeles, this is my present and future, this is my new love. I’ve blocked everything about that person and now I leave it up to time. Time will heal everything. I loved him, I always will, but what’s done cannot be now amended.

I wanted my first love to be a beautiful fairy tale, I couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t last forever, that it was not destiny to be together. I didn’t want to see that. I desperately wanted to live in the illusion that everything was fine.

That ‘love’ made me suffer, I lost myself, was aggressive and became selfish. Ever since I started this blog and disconnected with that person, I am getting closer to myself, increasing confidence, I am kind and caring.

Now I have to think logical and start focusing on my goals and what I want. I forgive myself for letting this go on for 5 years and I forgive him for everything. I don’t regret anything, I am happy that I loved him, through him, I understood what love really means. That relationship taught me what ‘love’ really means. It’s unconditional, it’s not in the words, but in the actions. I really loved him, always will. But now it’s time to again embrace the present and follow my true destiny.

The reason why I hold on for 5 years to this ‘love’, ‘friendship’, even though I was suffering, is that I really wanted him in my life and that when I would ‘make’ it, we could be together. I don’t mind if I am wealthier than him, I would be very happy to help him with everything. But destiny has it’s own plan. My love is apparently meant for other people, for the world, not just to one person. Because his love, made my only love him, and it sucked the life out of me, I didn’t want to do anything anymore, other than just to be with him. That’s not love, that’s why I’ve realized now.

Love is letting each other go , to be able to follow your dream, trusting each other that they will come together, if it’s in their destiny. Love is not jealousy or letting each other suffer, in order to feel good, it’s not selfish and it doesn’t revolve around ego. It’s giving love unconditionally, and respecting each other equally. Love is respecting each other. Trusting each other. Not holding any grudges and being honest with each other.

That love was intense, but if I look closely, in those 5 years, I’ve suffered 99% in that relationship and there were only split seconds of happiness. Seconds. I almost lost my dream, my dream of becoming an actress.

I can achieve everything and have everything, but not at the time I want to. I have to have patience. And I can have that person, but oh my god, at what cost. If I choose him, I will lose everything what I have right now. I am in heaven now, I’m living the dream, almost making it into the film industry, couple of steps away, should I all flush it in the toilet, just to be with that person. Where I know, that I would suffer even more and really suffering, because that would mean going back to Europe, since he’s not coming here. Settle for less, have child, work hard, not following my dream, and not getting the ‘love’ I deserve. I mean am I that desperate? I cannot even trust him. But only to show my ego, that somewhere in my mind, I have him, he’s mine. God, I felt so lonely when I was with him or when we were contacting each other. After he hung up, I felt so down, as he was putting me down somehow. I felt so lonely. I am in single now, but I feel so alive and when I was in that relationship, wow that feeling of loneliness, hit me. He wasn’t there for me, wasn’t with me. Because I wasn’t with myself, I lost myself. I wasn’t present.

That’s stupid. It really is. Yet, so many people have done that and now I do hear them saying, they wished they didn’t play house and didn’t give in to that feeling and just followed their dream, they could have had a better future for their children. Buy better clothes for them. Wow. I really want my children to have a good life and a good father….

I have to see the bigger picture here. Lose this battle of love, lose this game and win the war. Thinking big and in the long term.

I have to think practical. And I am. I went to church, met lovely people, hanging out with lovely guys who knows what respect for women means.

I keep going. That’s all I can do. Keep moving forward. Not looking back. It’s done. It’s over. That’s it, let’s start a new life.

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# Life lesson

NEVER ask God to feel, when you don’t feel anything. Do the steps that make you feel. That will give you a good feeling.

Also NEVER look back. If you hold on to your history, you ruin your destiny.

Forgiving is the most humbling thing. Forgive, Let Go and Celebrate life.

God bless.

Question

God has given me so much love and appreciation. Who am I to question that. Everything, the good and bad that has happened to me, is somewhat because of my energy.

When life goes well, I often question it and think wow, so much goodness. But life is good. Why should I ask for turbulence.

God is all I have and God is all I need. I know that whatever I have done, I have done it with good intentions.

I am a good person and I have to start believing it. I deserve good things in my life.

I have a beautiful life and I am appreciating this. I won’t look back anymore. From now on, I live in the present completely. This is it. The present. That’s it. That’s all I have.

I thank God for every good thing in my life and showing me also the bad things, so I can appreciate every positive thing that comes my way.

I kneel down, pray to God, saying thank you for this life.

Forgive

Hi Everyone,

My past came knocking on the door today. I thought it would be nice, since I’ve missed that certain part, but in fact, it was not nice at all. I feel strange. All I can say is, that it is best to let it be and not touch it anymore. My morning started out great and I felt very blessed, I still feel blessed. Things happen and I have to deal with the consequences. All I can say is that if I did something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly, I am doing my very best to make up for it.

Me and my sister have filled three Shoebox gifts for children in need at Good shepherd Center. I pray, try to be kind everyday. The only thing I did wrong, is hanging out with that person, which I shouldn’t have done. I didn’t know that the person wasn’t pure. But because I wanted to ‘feel’, I did it anyways and it was ugly what was knocking on my door today. The beautiful past in my mind, was actually a dead past. Something that I want to let go of.

I actually have done nothing wrong, I just wanted love. I just expected it from the wrong person. But like I said, I have closed it 3 months ago. And I still stand by my decision. Even though my thoughts were beautifying the past with that person, I have to face the ugly reality. That person is definitely not what he appeared to be.

It’s Thanksgiving and I have been receiving beautiful gifts from God. I have been meeting beautiful people in life. I choose the goodness of life. I deserve it. We all deserve goodness.

I am taking a deep breath and letting it all go. It’s okay, I have made the right decision. That’s what I know for sure.

I keep giving and giving and giving, forgive me, if I’ve done something wrong, forgive me. I know that God has forgiven me, since I am receiving beautiful things. I think it’s time to forgive myself.

That’s what I wish that I am able to forgive myself. The only way is to give something back. Don’t pity myself, don’t let thoughts deter me or lock myself inside with my thoughts. Instead spread the love, give it all back to the community.

I am meeting very kind and generous people. They are so kind, they touched my hart. I’ve all met them through church, those are the people I want to hang out with. Who don’t put people down and think about revenge and negativity, but give something back to the community, contribute and give love. Giving unconditional love. Those are the people I want to be with. I love them and I thank God that I have met them. I love my parents and love my sister.

I am very grateful for the present, I thank God for all the decisions he has made. I cannot thank God enough. I thank God for giving me this life, this journey. I thank God that he has given me good people and got rid of all the people who weren’t pure. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to follow my dream. And I thank God for expressing myself through this blog and reaching you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I’m really taking steps of becoming a better person.

With love, happy Thanksgiving!

Loving myself

Good morning dear ones,

Hope you had a nice sleep. I did and woke up with very beautiful thoughts. But as soon as I opened my e-mail, I was a bit disappointed. Since I haven’t received an e-mail invitation for a booking or audition.  I have to teach and remind myself, to still be thankful for everything what I’ve received this year. I am walking on the right path and receiving a lot of gifts from God.

I am not ‘distracting’, or ‘sabotaging’ myself anymore. I am only hanging out with positive people. I used to hang out with people who put me down, because I really wanted to be friends with them. Times have changed. I am getting closer to myself. I have become to slowly love myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel content and excited. I want to dress better, for myself. I am excited about life again. Excited of what I can create.

Everyday is a beautiful blessing, because everyday I work towards my goal. Love, has no feeling, it is unconditional. Whether it’s going well or not, you still do what you love to do, irrespective of feelings.

Like I said, I want to dress myself better, buy better clothes. It feels good, I feel good about myself. If I do this for myself, I radiate positive energy. But it all begins with me, myself and I.

God bless you, wish you lots of love!

Time

Good evening everyone,

Today it was church day, it always gives me a good feeling. After that I went to the Grove, had lunch/ dinner and ordered a delicious dessert. Mmm, chocolate mousse cake, I was in heaven.

Life is good, but it’s a choice. It really is. I’m on a long term plan and like I said, I’ve planted many seeds, only time will tell which one is going to rise. Perhaps everything, perhaps nothing. Actually I honestly believe, that at least one seed will rise. It’s basic probability, I keep trying and in consequence I’m increasing my chances.

I see people rise very fast, after talking to me. They do the same thing and double the success. I mean they’ve reached world wide recognition. I felt a bit envious. But that’s their luck. My time will come. Whatever is in my destiny, will happen. I have to keep that in mind. Because it cannot be that everyone is getting inspired by me and they are all rising and I’m being left behind. No, my time will definitely come. God has something planned. I guess it is a test of time. How much patience do I have? Only time will tell. The only thing I can do is just being happy for them and move on. Time will reveal and tell what my worth is.

Besides, I’m gradually acquiring all the knowledge and skills. I’m rising, yes, it is slowly, but surely. I have my ups and downs. But that’s okay. I’m slowly working towards my goal. At least I am doing something, every day, step by step. It’s a choice. It really is.

I have to trust that my time will come. It’s just not my time yet. However, I cannot stop. I keep going, because I have to be ready.

I am doing my best and the rest is up to the universe.

Love you and have a beautiful Sunday evening.

Feeling vs. Action

Hi dear friends,

I’ve just received a heart touching music video from a friend. Which gave me a flashback, right to the moment, when I forwarded the same music video to a person I really loved, my first love. It took me 3 years to get over that person. I still occasionally miss him. Especially when I have my periods. All the emotions multiplies. Yes, the feeling is there. But it’s still a feeling. Regardless of how I feel, my actions can be different. It’s all about the actions.

I’ve just finished editing my 2nd head shot, still 2 more to go. Then afterwards, I can concentrate on the film festivals again. And I also will take time to clean the house. In between I’m having moments of anxiety, that I will miss out on ‘love’. But I do have a loving sister, loving parents and God. And if God is all I have, than God is all I need.

I have a goal and I cannot hold on to the past. Because, if I will hold on to my past, I will ruin my destiny. And that my friend, I cannot let that happen. I always have to keep that in mind.

I feel gloomy, that doesn’t matter. However, my headshots show a very happy and confident person. My pictures have changed, I’ve gained more confidence. That is because I did let go of the past. I think that I haven’t, but I actually have. Pictures show the soul of a human being. I can see it in my eyes, I have moved on.

I might not feel it, but my actions show, that I have accepted the present and embraced the beautiful opportunities that could come my way. Because I have learned to let go.

Love you all.

The power of giving in

Good morning lovely cookies,

It’s Saturday, 9.30 am and I have still a to do list, before I can completely relax for the holiday’s. That’s fine, it’s always nice to work extra hard and afterwards feeling that you earned it.

Here’s what I’ve learned this week. Sometimes, it’s good to give in. Sometimes, I cannot have it my way at the time I want it to be. I have to put my ego aside and for a while give in. Giving in, doesn’t mean I’m surrendering. No, by no means. But I have to go with whatever time presents to me. Otherwise I’m delaying my destiny. Often it sucks, when it doesn’t go my way, but eventually, by giving in a little, in the long term, I got everything I always wanted. But there is a time and place for that.

I mean it’s just like, not wanting to do your homework, because you really would like to watch a movie, lie on the sofa etc. I have a choice here. However, if I do my homework, study and do my best, I can watch movies for the rest of my life, because I earned it. I mean, it’s a very simplistic example, but life is like that. Give in a bit now and get rewarded later. Giving in is not always the best feeling, at least not for me, since I can have a big ego. But I know it’s always beneficial for later. I know, because I am receiving so much, because I gave in. Besides, I’m giving in temporarily, than afterwards, I take my position. It’s a master plan and I know it will work, because that’s how I’ve always done it.

I cannot climb to the top instantly, I metaphorically first clean the dishes, kiss the floor and then slowly climb my way up. I’ll stay humble, because I know where I came from.

Have a wonderful Saturday!

xxx

It’s better to lose the battle and win the war, than win the battle and lose the war.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Wow, yesterday I’ve been through a roller coaster ride. Really choose your battle carefully. Know which battle to pick. I cannot always win. That’s what I really have to understand in life. I really cannot always win. There are oftentimes, where I am right, but sometimes, there’s no platform to prove your right. I mean it’s debatable. There’s always a way, but do I really would like to spend my time and energy, to  prove myself for that one event, that I am right?

Yesterday, I was in a salon to wax my arms and belly, for a photo shoot for today. It should have gone smooth, but it didn’t, the staff had so much attitude and were extremely rude. Not to mention, stubborn. Anyway the point is they waxed at a spot, where I specifically said, don’t wax. They did it anyway. Here’s where I went wrong. I should have gotten up immediately and stopped the session, run to the desk and express what has been done. However, since they already committed the mistake, I thought I might as well move on with the whole session.

I just wanted to express this to the staff, that it’s wrong to just wax where I didn’t want to. But they had no ears. They couldn’t care less. I felt bad, that I didn’t handle it right. It really escalated, they were pushing me, because I wanted to leave, since no one cared. I called up my friend and my sister to help me. I mean, it was not fair, justice had to be served. It was not an expensive place and they treat customer like dirt, apparently. Like I said, I lost, since I continued the session. Okay, fine, but at least they should have acknowledged, that they were wrong. I mean come on.

Anyway, this is precisely my point, I could go on and on, but like I said, this battle is lost, I have lost this battle. This is not the battle I would like to win. You know why? If I knew exactly what to say, to those rude people, I wouldn’t call up my friend. Because after this happened, me, my friend and sister went out for dinner. And we got some great insights, for what to do next and how to get to the next level in my Acting career. And I mean I received GREAT tools. I saw perspective and how I strategically could earn more money. That’s what I mean, I lost the battle, but I am about to win the war. I have to see the bigger picture here.

The fact that the staff was rude to me and I felt offended and therefore I wanted to get justice, is a battle that I really wanted to win. Because I wanted to make an impact on those people, that they cannot treat customers like that. But

Quote:

Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.

That’s a fact. I can do what I can, I’ve said what I felt was right, but I have to let go. Because I always have to remind myself, to put my ego aside and think big. Think about the long term. I mean I still feel a bit that I could have done more to the situation, but like I said, I wouldn’t call my friend and then get the tools for the next level. Would I’ve gotten the tools later? Perhaps, yes, but I guess I’ve received it earlier. And God always throws bricks BEFORE he gives something beautiful.

And instead of pointing fingers, let ME just be more kind, I at least can be a good human being, treat people nice. I cannot control anyone’s actions, only mine. That’s the most important thing. Yes, it sucks when God brings a bit turbulence in my life, and I feel defeated. However, I shouldn’t ask, ‘why is this happening to me’, but rather ‘what’s the meaning of this’?

So, a bit giving in (which is very challenging for me at the moment) and trying to let go of that stupid battle and really think about winning the war.

God bless. GO, WIN the WAR!

Losing control

I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel a bit frustrated. Actually immensely frustrated. One day is definitely not the same as the other. I feel so irritated. I didn’t have this for a long time and now again I am on verge of giving out tantrums. Is it my period? It is coming, but lately I had it under control.

I just feel a lot of pressure to perform. People who didn’t know anything are performing 10x better. God, last week I felt good, I had it all in control and now I feel my control is diminishing again. It’s 7 am.

I just want it so bad. I guess I have to let go. I feel so empty and alone. I just want to scream. Also my apartment is a mess. I mean I have to clean it all the time. Because my sister doesn’t do it.

I know I’m venting, I have to let it out. I want to be so successful, but some people bring you down. It’s horrible. And sometimes, the one you really feel close to, that person can bring me down. I mean, me and my sister are in a whole different head space. I just need space. I want to be alone.

So much to do, I have to do time management. Stop comparing. I’m still doing that. I feel I’m behind again. Worthless.

Wow, how fast I can lose control again.

God.