There is still hope

Good Afternoon Chocolates,

I woke up with imagining great things, with a beautiful vision of how my life could be. That vision has brought trust into my life. This past month has been an eye opener for me. The year 2014 was calm and beautiful, I achieved what I had to achieve and had no issues regarding money. However, I did spend a lot and now I really have to find a way to earn more. I have cut a lot of my expenses and am working towards a long term financial goal.

I did feel depressed these past couple of months, because of my behavior, my sister didn’t want to live with me anymore. I was always frustrated, I’ve always wanted to be the center of attention, I had my own personal struggles and I was putting all the negative energy on her. I really was mean and now, I’ve realized that. I am my own obstacle. Last week she said, that she wanted to move out, that’s where reality hit me. I really had to take my own responsibility and find my own way. I could not rely on her anymore.

You know what they say, when they’re gone, then you understand how valuable they are, how blessed I actually was and am. However, there is still hope. I have been kind to her and have immediately changed my actions. Every time when she gets an audition or a booking, I’ll make sure that I stay positive. It’s her time and I give her that. The only thing I can do is be there for her and do my own things. Trust that my time will come. Because when it is my time, I also want her to feel content.

I am blessed and my life is already complete, now I’ve realized it. Now that I am under financial pressure, my sister (right hand) wants to leave, things are shaky, now I understand how great my life was and thankfully still is. There is still hope. I put this all on me, I let this happen, so I can change my actions at least. I don’t know how tomorrow will look like, but at least I can appreciate my life every single day. My sister is still here, so I can appreciate her presence every single day. I can be kind to her every single day. I will not take her for granted. Because she can still leave. The only thing I can do, is to sprinkle love everyday, do my best everyday to recover and heal this relationship. More importantly heal myself. Build my character, now that I have the time.

I still have time, there is still hope. I haven’t watched other people on social media for over a week and the results are magnificent. I have put all the focus on me right now. I am taking responsibility and thankfully I see perspective. There is always a way. Always.

It’s do or die

Good Morning beautiful people,

When God is not giving me what I want, he is building my character. The time you don’t get what you want, is the time to build your character. I always said and knew that it is not about getting it, it is about the journey, about our reaction to life.

When I don’t challenge life, life will challenge me. There is no excuse. And I feel I am walking through fire. But if I stop, I will get burned. I can keep going forward and trust that there is water. It is all about trust.

I wanted to become more appreciate towards life and my sister. I have taken her for granted. I can’t expect to just get everything in life, get everything going for my career and neglect my sister. Life doesn’t work that way. I can’t be that selfish. I choose for calmness and I choose to love and appreciate my loved ones. I honestly don’t know if I will get where I want to be, but I can do my best everyday to sprinkle love and kindness. Just sprinkle love. I trust God and I will do whatever it takes, keeping my principles with me, to make something out of this life.

I trust, that’s all I have. I could ask for someone else’s hand, but I know in the long term it will hit me anyway. It is patience and character building. I want to live my dream, I was living my dream and I am still living the dream. Perhaps not the way I want to, but I can create it. I have to take action. For a while I kind of was again sitting, but God you know exactly what to say and do, so that I keep going. I haven’t checked someone I know on Facebook or Twitter. So that’s good. I occasionally check people I don’t know, or actors. But I am trying to decrease that. I have to, I don’t have a choice. It’s do or die. Otherwise I’ll miss my boat and it’s bye bye and can say farewell to my dream…..

I keep praying everyday. I trust you God. I don’t see it, you see it.

I l u

I love you so much. My whole life is motivated because of you. My acting is resolved around you, it always has and always will. You motivate me. I love you. I don’t have you. It’s okay, you are in my thoughts, in my soul, in my heart.

I love and treasure every beautiful moment of you and me. I love you so much and you’re still so alive. I am not alone. You are with me, with my thoughts. I trust. I have you.

I am in love with you, now and forever.

Challenge

Good morning lovely people,

I woke up fresh in the morning and went hiking. Whenever I walk to the top and see Los Angeles sky line, I feel so blessed and happy. I mean, it’s incredible. I never thought I would actually be here and live my dream. A lot of things happened and I cleared out my thoughts. What can I do in order to get where I want to be?

Every time I create, I take action, I get rewarded from God. There is always a way. Always. I just have to take the steps. It is true, I don’t have to see the whole stair case, just take the steps. I never thought that I would be here in Los Angeles, but I did the work.

My thoughts are powerful and every thought I should keep to myself. If I think I won’t make it and I say it out loud it will become true. If I think positive and I express that out loud, that will become evident. Everybody has their own journey. Some people are faster, some people get it faster, but it’s not about who gets it faster. It’s about who stays there longer. Not everybody is capable of staying at the top for a very long time. Only a few, such as Oprah and Steven Spielberg. They focus on themselves.

I will never get where I want to be, if I don’t focus on myself and don’t love myself. I want to get close to myself. I am a worthy human being and I deserve good things in my life. I am proud of who I am, I always find a way and I always see the positive side of things, even though I am under pressure. Usually I perform even better when I am under pressure, since I have nothing to lose.

Let’s make a challenge. I would like to focus only on myself for 2 solid weeks. I think 1 month will be too challenging for now 😉 But let’s try 2 solid weeks, only focusing on myself. Meaning, no peeking at what others are doing, even people I don’t know. Also not talking about others.  I don’t care where they are with their journey. All I care about is my journey. My things, my desires, my goals.

It’s being healthy alone, going forward and live a joyful life. At my own pace.

Love you!!

Mirror

Good morning sweet ones,

Wow, life can hit you in such a way, so unexpectedly, yet I do believe I’ve attracted it. I have attracted a lot of it. My soul always tell me, what kind of person I’m dealing with, right from the start. I don’t even have to talk to a person and my soul recognizes the other soul. I have to listen to my first intuition. I used to be a kind of person, where people could persuade me easily. Even though I think and actually know deep down in my heart that the person is not pure, I could give that person a chance, if circumstanced lead me to that. I was right, I met that person yesterday after talking 2 years over the phone and my body was shaking, my heartbeat went faster. Yes, my soul recognized it, don’t go any further. This person is deceptive and cannot be trusted. Because if someone is inconsistent with his talking and actions, his credibility decreases.

I am looking at the facts here and made a conscious decision to go home and move forward with my life, I rather be healthy alone, than being sick together. That is a conscious decision of mine and I stand by it.

My thoughts are valuable and extremely powerful. Just one thought and it got conceived. I just had only one thought about that person, something positive and the next day I saw that person after 3 years. Seriously?! Why is this not happening with my acting career. I have had a lot of thoughts about my acting career and that is still work in progress. Very interesting. But I do know this, that if I think about a person, that person comes into my life or becomes important. I have to be very careful with that.

I am a good person and my first intuition is always RIGHT. I have to trust my intuition. I trust God. I always have and always will. The past was shown to me, a mirror, showing me of who I used to be.

I used to like drama. If things weren’t going they were supposed to be going, I lost control. I lost my temper very easily. Had to argue, wanted to feel the extreme, creating drama, so I could feel alive.

Talking too much about my career, another person who came into my life like an angel, reminded me that balance is my gateway to success. Because it is not about that, there is more to this life.

I choose for calmness. I have fought very hard and been through a lot to get to this place. I choose for calmness, a safe and peaceful environment.

I had to confront my past and say: ‘No, Thank you.’  That was then, this is now. 

Morning Glory

Hi my morning glory’s,

It’s a beautiful Thursday, filled with lessons and appreciation for life. I started out by waking up early in the morning, taking a shower, doing some yoga stretching and making a Morning Glory Nutriblast (shake). With avocado, banana, pineapple, flax seeds, lettuce and water. Mmm, it makes me feel good, awake and ready to go.

I am happy to say that life is pushing me again beyond my comfort zone. I am grateful that life is testing me and showing me that there is more to this life.

I am happy that life has shown me that it is better to be healthy alone than being sick together. I have my parents, my sister and most importantly God. That’s more than enough. Having lunch just by by myself, working towards my goal by myself, waking up in the morning by myself is nice, good and makes me independent. I am happy that I am a go-getter in life and I take risks. I love that about me. I love who I am, I love that I can see the positive sides, I love the fact that I see an opportunity in everything. I love my working mentality. I love that I give to people and if I can help them I would be happy to do so.

It is time to get back to myself, it is time to give myself, it is time to love myself, it is time to empower myself, it is time to take charge of my own actions and get what I truly want. Everyday I would like to remind myself that YES, I CAN DO IT. I CAN GET ANYTHING I WANT, AS LONG AS IT IS WITH THE RIGHT INTENTION.

Happy Thursday people!

Life is about moments, don’t wait for them, create them.

I had a dream

I had a dream that I would be a game changer. I would contribute globally. I would achieve something, but start from scratch. Lose things and then gain even more. I had a dream that I could contribute to equality, men and women are equal, we all can achieve the same thing. I had a dream to give people hope and encourage and reveal to them, that ANYBODY can make it, that ‘stars’, celebrities, ‘rich people’ are working everyday and sacrificed a lot before they got where they are right now. Nobody is just sitting around and getting cash, some sacrifices are made. Nobody is ‘lucky’ and gets things ‘easily’. It can be a state of mind that things can be easy, but everybody is workin,g the rich and poor. The only difference is, well I don’t know what the difference is. Maybe there is no difference between rich and poor. Jk Rowling, Oprah, Will Smith etc they were all poor. And now they are one of the richest people in the world.

If I don’t challenge myself, life will challenge me. And it is challenging me right now. I have always challenged myself to some extent. But God knows what I want, deep inside of me what I truly want to become. I know drastic changes have to be made. I feel the fear, but I know I have to do it anyway. I am on the edge, almost feeling that I am about to die, but I still have to do it anyway. I have to take this risk again. Taking risks has always helped me, it is beneficial. I have gotten signs of what the next step will be. To me it sounds so off guard and the opposite direction. But I have to trust God. I always did and I have survived. My life is in your hands God.

I do not have to be in a relationship to be/ feel okay. I am rather healthy alone than being sick together. I am owning my mistakes 100 %. Behavior has a start and an end. The past is gone, the future hasn’t come yet. This is what I have. There are no tears left, I am immune to pain. I give my life to you, tell me what I should do, I won’t see it, but you can. You know what I want, I have neglected you God, but I won’t do it anymore, I don’t have a choice. My heart is under attack, I have anxiety, I only have you God. You tell me and I’ll do it. If this is what you want, I’ll do it. God give me the strength to endure this circumstance, challenge. God give me the strength and faith to keep going. I don’t see anything, no end of this tunnel, only you see it. I am surrendering to you God. Guide me.

On the verge of giving up

I’m on the verge of giving up. Really, honestly, how long does it take, to get me a simple invitation to an audition and how long does it take to get booked for something. It is not impossible. I am a human being, with 2 eyes and I can smile and cry. Honestly, I don’t know why directors, agents, casting directors don’t pick me. I am trying. Everytime, I try to do something new, thinking of new ideas, taking new headshots, improving myself. Then why is it taking me sooooo manyyyy yearss. I have never, absolutely never, booked something of my own, where I earned money and simultaneously gained exposure. Meanwhile my sister on the other hand, keeps getting invitations and gets booked.

I observed her, I observed people who book, I did what I could and am doing, go the casting director’s office, ask to audition. Sometimes they let me in, but lately they deny me. ‘Oh no, it’s too full.’ OMG, I fit the requirements, I am exactly what they need, what is the problem.

This really hurts, it hurts me that I am doing this. I mean I have to make a living out of this and I am not. Will I ever make a living out of this profession? I honestly am thinking of applying for another job and just do office work. I mean either way, I have to eat and take care of myself. Because this is not making me happy.

Journey

Hi dear ones,

A small post to remind myself that it is important to keep creating. I can easily fall astray, but destiny has put me right back where I wanted to be. Life, or rather I have challenged myself a lot. I always aimed for something big, something high. But that takes a lot of work, effort and patience to get it. It can hurt a lot, especially in the beginning, when I don’t see any results. But once I got it, the euphoria lasted for a week and then there was something else to accomplish. It is great to accomplish things, but I don’t want to ignore my journey, my trial and errors which has shaped me. It took a lot of time, effort and a lot of sacrificed in order to get where I am today. But I am happy that I persevered. Because this is where I want to be.

There are often times where I feel alone, lonely, anxious. But for example when I uploaded my new comedy short film a couple of days ago, I surprisingly received a lot of positive responses. I didn’t expect that. The views wasn’t overwhelming, but when I look at it closely, whether I get a lot of views or not, I’m glad I could contribute and it felt great to create something. I enjoy it much more quite frankly than the result. Regardless of what it is, I still know that I have to persevere. And I want to persevere, I want to continue, I would love to create more. Why wait for something, if I can create it myself!

My focus is acting, but through that, I have a much higher goal, much higher dream. There is definitely more to this life. I focus on my work, anything else is secondary. It is great to receive and I appreciate it, but I receive by giving. Whether I feel lazy, self pity, I still will give, that is my purpose, give something to LIFE.

Love you all.

Goal

Good morning dear ones!

It’s a wonderful Sunday and I went hiking at Runyon Canyon. Walking to the top felt great and much easier. It becomes easier and easier. It really trains my body and my mind to persevere and creating positive, encouraging thoughts. I really love working out. I always was a risk taker and a go-getter in life. I knew, that if I want something in life, I have to work for it. My parents gave me a wonderful and luxurious life, we traveled all over the world. Still, I always felt a void somewhere. Now, I know what it was.

I really loved and appreciated my life, but I wanted to create something of my own. I wanted to challenge myself. And I always forget that I have these goals, since I am still looking to other people and other people’s success, because of social media. I do have to say, I’ve cut it down to once a week. When I was in Europe I didn’t use social media and I was only focusing on myself. I really accomplished a lot of things, far more than I have imagined. But I have a lot more to achieve, a lot more that I would like to do and contribute. That is something that I cannot suppress. I really have to do it, it is my destiny. It really is, whether I wanted or not, it is already decided. I have decided and life has decided, there is no turning back. As I go along, I can connect the dots.

I am so happy and proud of myself that I persevered. Because all the people who rejected me, challenged me, hurt me, they really supported me to accomplish my dreams. To come to America, the land of opportunities. God has guided me very well. No matter how many rejections, failures or even applause or compliments are given to me, I know that I always have to work. Even when I am at the top, I cannot just sit back and think I’ve made it, life keeps growing. That’s okay, I all do it on my pace. Yes, I have stopped for a while, because I thought results weren’t coming, but somehow I continued. Better late, than never 😉

Happy Sunday!