Hi dear ones,
I felt lost, after 3 years I was doubting my decision. I actually was always doubting my decision to move here. But it’s true, I don’t know how it will turn out, but when I look back, I can connect the dots. Now I understand why I had to go through this emotional roller coaster.
Before I moved to Los Angeles, I always wrote in my diary that I wanted to live in a warm country, be an actress and want to contribute to the society. Contributing to the society, on a large scale, takes a lot of discipline. The picture that is represented about my life, seems perfect. ‘I have it all, I’m living my dream, my parents both support my decision, I am living with my sister, I’ve succeeded and made a living, always got straight A’s, always passed everything, studied at the finest university in Europe,going to fancy places, travelled the world.’ But the reality of it is, that I worked for it hardcore and I mentally had to be so strong. There was a lot of temptation to fall astray, but I persevered. Because I was thinking about the long term. Nothing comes ‘easy’, it doesn’t just fall into my lap. No, it really took discipline. I had to protect my dream, nobody understood my idea, my concept of life. I always wanted to contribute.
Back in Europe I had everything, but I gave it all up, in order to follow my true calling. Recently I thought that I am only losing. Yes, I might have lost that ‘security’, consistent financial stability, but I have gained so much more. I have received so much more in return. I am getting closer to myself. I am appreciating myself, I am understanding my soul. Because again it is true, that somehow my intuition, my soul already knows what I want to become. But most of the society is scared to give everything up and start all over again. But I don’t just want to ‘survive’ in this world, I want to live. I want to experience life, there is so much more to this life.
And now I can appreciate my action, I can appreciate my decision. I didn’t know then, but I know now. I am so happy that I took this god damn, daring step. Because yes, it takes a lot of courage to give up EVERYTHING I have and then start from zero, going to be a hero. That’s what I wanted. Zero to hero. That my friend, takes impeccable amount of trust, discipline and patience. I am being tested all the time, but I have received a lot from God, by taking this step. I have internally received so much, honestly even more I could imagine. I got more, than I imagined. God knows what he’s doing with me, I have to trust God. I am giving my life to you God.
It does hurt a lot, when I see my peers having security, financial stability, it hurts sometimes so much, that I don’t have a partner. But that is temporary pain. This road that I am following can be very painful in the beginning, but in the long term permanent pleasure. This does make me happy. Because when I look closely, everyone is trying and everyone feels the same. The people with security, financial stability, car, a home, they want to break out, be creative, try something innovate, but they don’t take the step, because they are used to the security and scared to break out of that. Afraid that they will lose everything, so they rather want to just live like that, pay bills, earn money, perhaps travel or not, get a family, raise children and die. I always felt the same, when I was a child and now, my concept has not changed, I knew that I wanted more out of this life. Don’t want to just ‘fit into society’, not just want to fit the standard type of living, not just ‘having a family’, married and then get a house, paying of whatever mortgage or all of that. NO, I want to create, dance, hang out with friends, be independent, contribute to life, speak out my mind, want to be innovative, want to have something of my own.