I love you so much, can you say hi in my dream?

Your birthday is in two days. I want to talk to you, speak to you, see you and my deepest desire, hug you and never let you go. NEVER.

Oh, god, I love you so much, those moments, can I ever have that with someone else? Ever?

Your gentle touch. I am not even talking about the negative things, because I don’t want to, in my world it doesn’t exist,  because I love you, I want you.

I know in reality we can’t be together. But can’t you come in my dream? Can’t you just be mine, in my dream? I’ll be yours. I am yours. I can’t. I cannot live life like this. I also want to experience real love again with someone, real passion with someone. But you keep hunting me, as if there is no one else only you.

There is someone else. Tell me in my dream, that there is someone else out there. You’re not the only one. I haven’t encountered someone else, because my heart is still with you, it belongs to you.

Get me out, I want to move on, please. You have to give me permission. Please, I have to move on, I want to move on. I want to experience mutual love. Now it’s just only one side. It’s coming from me. Where are you? I don’t even know if you love me, I honestly don’t know.

Don’t be selfish, let me move on, please. Please, let me go. Please. I know you’re keeping me in your heart and I can feel it. I don’t want you to forget me, but I think it’s time to move on, both of us.

I will always love you, but in a different way, I can’t live in this agony, this torture.

I have to be present, it’s okay if you are having fun without me and vice versa. I really wanted to be with you, but apparently it’s not happening, not in this life.

I want to wish you a very happy birthday, but by doing so, I might trigger some kind of feelings again. Then you will know that I love you immensely. Always have. And I think it is better to say Happy Birthday in my heart.

But you’re in my heart, you’re always with me, part of me. I will name my child after you. I promise. But let me go, let me have love again. We both know that we can’t be together, or you have to come here. I’ve asked you, but you didn’t want to. That’s okay, so please let me move on. I need to move on, I want to move on. But you have to give me permission. Please.

I genuinely started to care about you, now care about me. Don’t you want me to be happy, for once? Can’t you think about my happiness? Just for once? I am also allowed to feel love again, someone else’s intimacy, someone else’s passion.

Let me know, I want to move on.


Beauty Experiment

My sweet people,

I am focusing more on my health nowadays, as my eczema has increased unfortunately. Due to excessive amount of stress, caused by pressure of ‘making it’, ‘surviving’. But it is teaching me a valuable lesson, to eat well and healthy.

For 2 days I am using raw, organic ingredients as a face mask where I have exzema around my eyes. Honestly, my skin has improved and it is not itching anymore. I can still see the spot, but at least the itchiness is gone. I am planning to use it everyday and I really hope the eczema will be completely gone.

My face mask includes:

-100% Raw Manuka honey
-Nutmeg ground
-Vitamin E oil

I am honestly very happy with this face mask. Within one day, the itchiness was gone. Unbelievable. Now I hope the spots will be gone. But my skin looks a lot better now. I am really happy with this. I’ve also put this on my arm, where I also have eczema unfortunately. And again the I don’t have to itch anymore, it’s slowly recovering.

I am on this beauty experiment, I won’t take my skin for granted, not anymore. No matter what happens, my body, my skin comes first. Being healthy, sleeping well, eating well, that’s what counts. I have the privilege to focus on that now, so I will take this time to do so. Because what if I work very hard, neglect myself, reach to the top, but my skin is damaged and I am not healthy, I would fight with all of these issues at later stage of my life. I mean it’s better to recover as early as possible, I know now. So no rush, taking it step by step for a beautiful, healthy life.

This is the time.


Hi my beautiful cookies,

First of all, I have to mention that I have eaten a lot, I’m so full, the food was great. My sister cooked, but I’ve eaten way too much. After this, I have to move, dance, do something.

I’ve been very health conscious lately, simply because my skin was being affected by my work. It’s all about balancing my side job, and my dream work. I mean, it’s a balance. It’s discipline and consistency.

I have promised myself to go to bed early, 10pm and wake up at 6am. I have kept that promise for one day and I fell into my old habit. I promise, I will do it today. 🙂

I know there is a better life, a better place, I know I can create it. But I can only do that by making small changes, step by step, ever day, consistently. I know what I want and who I want to be.

My health and family is important, very important. If not, the most important thing. The rest is secondary. I trust that I will do it right. I trust that I will do what I have to do. I will. I have to trust. But it all starts by taking that first step. It is possible.

There is time left, to change things. I still have a chance. My goal is to become healthy again and have a glowing skin. It’s all about balancing things.

With the right balance, I can make it. I’ll let it go, bye for now, talk to you soon!


The Power of Belief

Good Evening my lovely cute candies,

I haven’t stopped believing and apparently I haven’t given up. I’ll be honest with you, almost every day there are thoughts that are distracting me, thoughts that wants me to give up. But somehow I am again getting that push from life, that I should keep moving. Going Forward in life.

I might have given up on myself, but life hasn’t, God hasn’t. I will rise up again, by my power of belief.

It can be an awful day or a beautiful day

Yes, It’s all in my control. It flips in seconds. Just in seconds, it goes up and down and up and down. My feelings, emotions, anxiety.

A lot of ‘successful’ people say that they don’t sleep, they work everyday towards their goal, they don’t give up. Well let me tell you something, I did that for a while and because of those actions I want to quit the business. I have taken steps back. We’ll see how it goes. But I will sleep on time, wake up on time, let go, enjoy my life more and more and more.

I’ve had it. Today I did power yoga, I have a lot more to release and I will exercise even more. I will release more, by exercising more. That’s it. That’s all I am going to do. Very simple.

This life is given to me and I accept it. I have to have peace and I will accept it. Those moments in the past, I want to go back. But I can’t and won’t. I can only change my action and indulge now. What I didn’t do then, I will do now. Very easy, very simple. Indulge, and live the life that I’ve got. I am following my impulse. It will lead me to where I want to be. I know that, because I’ve been there.

Don’t take it off people, or my sister, just take care of myself. Indulge in the moment. With happiness and bliss. I worried than, and missed out of those moments. Not going to do it again. I am learning a lot. Experience is invaluable.


Hi lovely berries,

Now I realize that every struggle I had, every regret I had about every single aspect of my life, all of them is for a reason. The regret is turned into gratitude. These things have made me and shaped me. If it weren’t for those struggles, if it weren’t for the heartbreaks, if it weren’t for all those rejections, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have the drive to still somehow continue. I wouldn’t have a story to share:

I am who I am, the good, the bad, the ugly. These past few days have been boring. I am working, have talked it out with my mom, that was exhausting. But If I want to talk to my parents, than I have to be the one who has to have an understanding.

I am here in the USA, where I have learned to give, to contribute, something that I always wanted to do.

My eyes, my skin, is not at the best condition at the moment. It was always perfect, always beautiful and radiant. Who says that money is not important. I am sorry, but if you don’t have that much money, it is challenging to say that it is not the most important thing. yes, of course, relationships, parents, love is the most important thing. But money contributes to happiness, to health, to peace. IT DOES.

I haven’t slept well for a year, ever since my mom stopped financing me. I had to do it on my own. It has affected my heath, my sleep, it increased my stress level. I see it all now on my skin.

I still have to sleep well, take care of my skin. I have to. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

Leave the ‘making it’ behind, leave the stress behind, leave the battle behind, leave everything EXCEPT, myself.

It will be a NEW me. I am 25 years. 25 years was given, my parents supported me financially, emotionally. Now I have to take responsibility of my own life. Start again from scratch. But a new me, relaxed, composed.

A truthful me, I can only gain, that’s it.


All the bubbles popped

Everything popped, ever since I am here. I cannot live in the illusion. I fooled myself consciously or unconsciously that certain things can be alright. I have to let go and I have, but there is one aspect that I have to let go.

Illusion: I have let go of the expectation that my prince charming will come: Reality: ‘It will not come, perhaps n…ever’

Illusion: I have let go that love will happen spontaneously: Reality: ‘If I want love, I have to work for it’

Illusion: I have let go that people will stay forever and give unconditional love: Reality: ‘Nobody can stay forever in my life, that’s nature and I can not be attached to someone. They can give me love today and leave or be angry tomorrow.

Illusion: I will be happy when I have reached my ‘goal’, be the actress that I want to be, have a husband, have the love of my life, my soul mate  Reality: So foolish of me to think this way. But I was ignorant, I didn’t know better, that’s why I came to the USA, build things on my own. I know now, what I didn’t know then, that happiness is in the now. I might never achieve my goal or even if I will at what cost. Worry doesn’t bring me anywhere. It never did.

Reality is that whatever will happen will happen. My biggest illusion was to keep peace with both of my parents. I thought they would be together forever. But they can’t see each other’s positive traits anymore. I have learned so much from their mistakes. So much. I won’t go into a relationship, until I can trust the person. And I will not go into a relationship with expectations. It’s absolutely pointless.

It is absolutely pointless to expect ANYTHING in life, nothing happens exactly the way I want. So what’s the point of expecting. And every time when I wasn’t expecting something, it happened. Positive or negative. There are some things which are beyond my control. The sooner I expect the better, I live my life and we’ll see what happens. I always wanted control in my life. I’m gonna let life happen now. I don’t want to fight anymore. Let it be. It’s okay. It’s okay.


‘Things don’t make people happy, people make people happy

I tried to find you and keep you in my heart, but so far no person made me happy. Yes I got a lot of things, but hmmm on the second thought people can make people happy. Not with things but with LOVE.

I saw this video and I felt so sorry for this little girl, she’s alone on this journey and she makes the most out of a given moment. She took her moment: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A1UV4cmDcJM

God it makes me cry. Will I always be alone? I know I have to make myself happy, if I can give love, I can receive it.

I just have to accept this fact, accept and let go. I was that little girl, it reminds of my youth. I discovered things on my own. I wanted to indulge in every moment. Every single moment, because we only have one life. Just one. I can’t go back, I can only go forward.

With love

Love is an illusion

I asked several times, what is the meaning of love. That person only replied: I don’t know.

I know now. Love is something pure, beautiful and unconditional. It has no conditions.

There is no one true love, there are several and it is everywhere. I have loved with honest and integrity and I will meet someone like that. HA! That’s the illusion, I will meet that person… No way, I make it happen, if there is an opportunity, if it arises, if….

Love is in me, it is being kind to myself, if I don’t love myself, no one else will.

Yes, I still love you and always will. I don’t know if you care. Bit I’ll make sure that someone will, I will. I am not selfish anymore.

I have come long waypo

Being honest

It is absolutely imperative to be myself and be honest. This is who I am. Yes, I can be a brat, but that I am learning to give more. I mean I have the fear that if I share a product of mine, that someone will break it. Because it happened! And I don’t like that. So it’s hard for me to give away things and let them share.

However if the situation arises, and I have to share something, I will, but I cannot put a poker face. That’s just me. I act the way I am, I make bold choices and cannot fake who I am.

It’s an absolute relief if I can be myself. 🙂 If I can be myself and those accept me for who I am, then those are the real people.

What a relief. WHAT A RELIEF.

Thank God, just being myself, small, close amount of friends, or not, doesn’t matter. But as long as I can be me, that’s the best. I can breath 🙂