Desperate

Initially I was immensely desperate to be an actress. At any cost. I thought I was nothing, I had nothing, so I might as well go all the way. Buying a lot, didn’t want to say no. Perhaps not nudity, that I still was apprehensive to do. But I was desperate to have an agent, manager. I thought attaching myself to any agent or manager, that would be good enough. Little did I know, that these people just want to make money. If I’m booking, then they’ll hire me. Basically I am doing all the work. They have the relationships with the casting directors. I’m paying for that basically.

Nothing happened, I didn’t see the value of my life, the value of my acting, of what I got. I just wanted to have commercial success. At any cost. Be a star. But do I even understand the concept of being a star?

I have grown. Now I understand what I want. I want balance in my life. I want quality, always wanted that. I just got somehow attached to ‘it’. I have grown. If it happens it happens, my center is God, working on myself, my family; mom, dad, my sister. Those people are important to me.

I learn that’s all I can do. I can only learn from things. That’s it. Initially I loved drama. But thank God, my life is simple, I would like to keep it simple. No matter what, I do my best and keep it simple. No drama. That was the old me. I left that person a long time ago. It’s over, it’s done. I’m starting over, a new me.

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