Do I exist?

Do you hear me? Do you feel me? Do you see me? Do I exist? Do I matter?

Really, do I even matter? I cut my hair today, wanted to record an episode of my journey. But what was my intention. What is my intention for the world? What do I want? For whom am I dressing up, cutting my hair?

For the world or for myself? What happened to dress up for myself?

I want acknowledgment, put it on instagram, facebook, show the world how beautiful I am, how much I have achieved things. Get compliments, approval, praise for who I am. I feel like I’m fading away and nobody even cares. That’s how I feel.

I feel worthless, as if I cannot even accomplish one simple thing. I am an actress and filmmaker. And I want to contribute to the society. Do I still want that? Or do I just want to become rich? A consumer, just follow the trend like a baffoon. Because everyone else is doing it, so should I.

I miss you. You were part of my existence. I miss your kiss. I miss your hug. By kissing or hugging you I felt I exist. You were the only one. But unfortunately you weren’t really nice to me:( So I had to let you go. I trust God, but I cannot hug him right now. Cry on his shoulder. My parents are in Europe. Do I exist?

It’s challenging to live without you, it’s also easy. I miss love. I cannot live without. I do love my life. But if everybody is showing how great they are, and what they are achieving, why can’t I do the same? I’ve traveled the world, I am smart, I’m beautiful, why in the world can I not say it. Why not god damn it. If everyone can do it and say how great they are, why can’t I do it?

I have achieved so many things. So many. And it feels so wrong to do the same. But it’s not… I don’t know. Sometimes I have the urge to live somewhere where no one knows me, start a new life, but I can start over again.

I have to say goodbye to facebook and instagram once and for all. I have achieved everything without it. So let me start over again. I am starting over again. I am. I am.

I love you a lot. I hope you love me too.

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