My relationship with my mother

Good Morning Early Birds!

It’s 26th of September, 2015. I had a conversation with my mother. I feel and know that I am slowly detaching myself from my mother. She reminds me of my old self, I have overcome that. Los Angeles has become my home and I am making a life here. Having said that, I felt selfish to just not call, and live my life. But for two years now, I am trying and we always end up in an argument. She is tough. If I want to compliment her, it will be too much complimenting, she told me not to do that. And when she wants constructive feedback, she cannot handle it.

I can’t do this, I am giving up on this battle. It ALWAYS ends up in an argument, when I call. She is a good mother, but when she does thinks she automatically expects things. I always have to cry, when I call her. Her energy pulls those emotions out of me. I don’t want to deal with that anymore. It hurts. She is mean and all the things that she suffered from, she drags that energy over to me, if I ‘God forbid’ say something wrong, I’m being scrutinized.

My dad is not perfect either and he has even made mistakes which are worse. But somehow I get love. I can get love, because my dad wants to give love and has no grudge. My mom blocked it, so she cannot be nice.

But I am taking full responsibility, I am a better me, I am balanced. And I don’t want to get out of balance anymore. What my mom did, and the choices she made, I learn from it and I am not going to make those same mistakes.

The problems she had with my dad, that is between them, my relationship with my dad will not change. I am not suddenly going to ‘pick sides’. No I’m sorry.

I am balanced when I don’t talk about my feelings or career with my mom. Everything is great. And if it’s not I will fake it. That’s how I became successful in the first place and didn’t lose my mind. I don’t care anymore what you think of me, I am a valuable human being and I respect myself, I am not going to lose myself, because you have lost yourself. I take full responsibility of my own actions, I let go of that one person, a year ago, faced myself, faced loneliness and empowered myself again, It didn’t kill me, It made me stronger. Not it’s your time to do it mom. I can’t help you with that. I have my own life here, I can now only help you financially, but I cannot get rid of that feeling that your facing. That is something that you need to work on. I did that as well when you decided to not financially support me anymore, I took responsibility.

It’s Saturday, next week is my birthday. For the first time in 25 years I’ll be flying by myself, with my sister, without you or dad. You were here last time, and now this is a new chapter of my life.

I cannot change people, that is impossible, but I can change my action. I will live the best life, with or without you. I am not going to tell my struggles anymore to you, all those issue I had with you, I have to let that go. I don’t like you, you remind me of who I was, that needy person, trying to please everyone, neglecting the ones who loves you truly, NO! Absolutely not, that’s why I was running away from you all the time. And praise the lord I am here, I thank God for sending me here. I have a bigger mission in life, then going into ‘feelings’ ‘ you did this to me etc.’ it doesn’t serve anyone. Who cares, I can improve myself and have an impact on this earth, by doing the things I love.

I will definitely make my second production, absolutely I will. It is done. No matter what, it will be. All this energy, I have to put positivity in the universe. Thank you for everything. Life is good, thank you. I refuse to go after people, that is impossible. But everything else is possible. EVERYTHING ELSE IS POSSIBLE.. And I’ll go with that. So I will only call you mom about the good stuff, nothing else, Everything is well. That’s it.

Thank you for this life. Thank you, I will go on a holiday, taking time off, going to Las Vegas! Woohoo!

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Why I love to exercise

Hi sweeties,

I just came from Core Power Yoga, which was a free class by the way 😉 I immediately hopped to the shower and for the first time, after 8.30pm, I didn’t touch my phone. I was finally present and did more. I take more care of my body. I cooked some veggies and ate it. Before that I already had salmon from Whole foods, which was delicious.

Initially I didn’t want to go, as usual, but I am not giving into feelings. I went anyway. I’m glad I did. I’ve been multi tasking a lot, a lot in my head, so it’s is so nice, to let my body go. To stretch and work on my muscles, my core. My skin becomes better. Because of a sudden change of ingredients in a foundation, my skin broke out. But if I exercise a lot, all the toxic comes out of my body. Very grateful that my apartment building is next to the building where they have Power Yoga, yeah!

I love exercising, it frees my body, a lot of nice people, great energy. I’m very grateful. I feel that I am more calm, especially when I am not on my phone now. I would like to implement this more often. After 8.30pm, I will not be on my phone, so I have a nice balance.

Exercising, keeps me fit and beautiful from the inside out. Like I said in my previous posts, ever since I took the time, to actually meditate, or do yoga, ‘me’ time, my life changed. I became more productive.

My eyes wants to close, I am sleepy. Stay healthy. Health is wealth.

Goodnight! xxx

What is my intention?

Good Morning,

It is 23th of September 2015, Wednesday. I have to go to sephora now, for changing the core of the foundation. Some new concept in the brand, which is not working out. Oehh, the opportunities and presents that I have been getting this year is amazing. The dream I received 3 weeks ago, is slowly manifesting itself. Wow.

My intention is be present and enjoy life with my family. To balance life, make a home and invite my parents and grandma into my home. That is my intention, to live life and balance it. Loving it and accepting it.

Okay I have to go, I’ll talk more later, cheers!

The power of Gratitude

Good Evening my brownies,

Yesterday I did Hot Power Yoga, it was heavy, but I am happy I did it. It gives me a lot of energy. The past week has been amazing. But honestly every day can be amazing, it’s all in my mind and the actions. Action of gratitude.

Even though I don’t get certain things, I still find some gratitude or at least I train myself to be grateful for what I have. So my happiness is not determined on the current circumstance. I do my best, take the steps and let it go. I make sure I clean my house, take care of my health. Yes, I should sleep more, but sometimes I just love to work and then sleep out.

Today I will make an attempt to sleep early and wake up at 5am. I am grateful for everything and I am receiving more and more. It really is about being kind to yourself, to your loved ones and be grateful for what I have. Taking the steps towards my goal and then let it go and enjoy life. That’s where I received more and more from the universe.

When I stopped complaining, stopped chasing, stopped making excuses and took responsibility for my own actions, that’s where I turned things around. I see things as the glass is half full in stead of empty. I still have a half glass full. When I started to look life like that, everything in my life, all the joy, luck, money, good things multiplied.

That is the power of Gratitude. When I looked around me, heard a lot of people around me complaining and the rich people always were being grateful, that’s where it clicked. Healthy, wealthy people always talk, walk, act grateful. I still do the work, and I am grateful everyday for what I’ve gotten. That’s also how I stay present 😉

Have a good night sleep, sweet dreams. Big hug

I already had you

I’m standing at the same rooftop, luxurious apartment. I had you, myself 3 years ago, and I was chasing after something which was impossible and furthers away from myself. Now I’m at the same rooftop, so much has changed. I am fortunate for these choices, for what life has given me. For all the lessons. Now I know I have everything. I trust, that trust is important. It is so beautiful out here. I just didn’t recognize it. But when I lose it, then I appreciate it. I will never do this to myself again. Slowly I am gaining what was meant for me. I take the steps and do my best. As long as I take the steps, I should be fine.

I can’t believe that I all had it, everything, never had to deal with financial pressure. But I’m happy I faced so many challenges. otherwise I would never learn how blessed I am. Family is important. Letting go and accepting, gratitude is the key. God will give what is best for me. He always did and always will. It’s still mine. It really is. I all have it and gaining even more. Thank you God for everything, thank you so much!

I had this and I was chasing for something else. No chasing anymore. Thank you so much for everything. I truly appreciate it. What I have is fantastic. Slowly gaining and finding myself, this was essential. Happy to have my family. Thank you! Thank you for my loving parents. I’ve got everything what I wished for, what’s best for me. Yes!

Blessed that I’m in LA

I’m so blessed that I am in Los Angeles. I just watched some Youtube video’s of the city where I came from. I mean nothing has changed, it’s the same city. Los Angeles, keeps moving, keeps growing. The city that I have been born and raised, is still the same. Nothing wrong with that, but I am just so happy I am here. I am grateful that I lived in Europe for 22 years. But I am also very grateful that I decided to come here 3.5 years ago.

Yes, the city is a great, the city where I came from, but other than shopping, it is important to have a family. But it’s more of a settle down feeling. Versus Los Angeles, is all about making a career and I keep my balance. I live with my sister, so we make sure that we keep it real and have fun in life. I would love to have pajama party’s again, I guess just with my sister for now 😉

I have a life, yes!

Hi there,

The number 1 quality that I know I want to have and am working on is having a balanced life. Yes, being independent. Doing my own things. Making myself happy. Me, myself and I. Very simple.

I know I’m attractive when I focus on myself, I am sexy when I focus on my own work. Ha! Because that’s what I admire and find attractive in other people, when they are completely committed and dedicated to their job/task. I love it. It takes work, but it does make me happy. Just go out of my way, get the thoughts away by dancing, making myself happy. Not waiting for something to happen, but create it in the moment. with nothing, just with music. Simple. I’ve always been happy when I do that, so that is awesome!

And you, I’m living my life, when you will come, just come to me when you’re ready, I’m enjoying, living in the moment.

Yes, now I have to, love you all, take care, work on yourself, focus on yourself, the rest will flow, yes!

I am moving on Okay

I have wasted 3 years of my life thinking of you, that you actually would come to me, that we actually had a chance. I’ve been living in an illusion. A year ago, I took responsibility of my actions and got myself together. I worked on myself. I am here to contribute to the society.

Having said that. I lost myself while I was with you, slowly. You were my destination and of course I love you. But please you keep pulling me to you, your thoughts are about me and I feel it. Even though there is an Atlantic ocean between us, I know and feel it that you are thinking of me. Yes, I still have feelings for you. But I have to be logical. Either waste my life, trying to be with you, and I know the reality. You are not happy. God, I know, both of us know that there were some magical moments, but that was 5 years ago, in 2010. It’s not now honey. Will you come to me? Will you?

I asked it to you before. I’ve tried to do this, for 5 years. You are who you are and nothing is going to change from your side, at least I’m not expecting that. Every single time when I moved on, or at least attempted to, you felt it and again you sabotaged it from me moving on. I AM MOVING ON OKAY. YES WITHOUT YOU. So please, stop pulling me to you and then dump me again when I am there for you. I don’t deserve that. I deserve and I don’t let myself treat that way, at least not anymore.

Yes I love you, but I am not desperate for your love anymore. I have everything I want and I do my best, to get to the next level. I have a beautiful family, living my life here, with a lot of joy and integrity. No space for someone who doesn’t value himself and pushes that insecurity on to me. Deal with your own issues, once you have dealt with that, you can come to me, but I cannot fix you and quite frankly I don’t want to spend my time and energy into doing that. There are more important things in the world, other people who appreciate my attention and actually tries to improve their lives.

Look, I still love you, but in a very nice, respectful way, your love and memories are in me, but I don’t need to awaken that and please don’t come and try to awaken those memories. Just STOP. IT’s done, I am moving on. I do my own things, I make my own mistakes, I live and learn. I love my life, I love myself and I make amends to keep it that way. I work for it. So please, stop sabotaging my happiness, by pulling me in the past. The past is GONE. I’ve decided to move on and make a home here in LA. You didn’t want to come here with me, that was your choice. WE both made a Choice and now we have to stick to it. I am and I have no regrets. This was best for me. You do what you have to do and I do what I would like to do. My job is not finished here, this is just the beginning for me.

Because by letting you go, the impossible, I made everything else possible. EVERYTHING ELSE. I might have lost this battle with you, I still love you, but honey, I am about to win the war. It’s only time. And you will see me, you will and perhaps finally you will be loving to me again, perhaps you will get some sense, but until that moment, you have given me a challenge. A challenge to live my life, be present, have fun, because I know by doing that, you love me even more. And I become more independent. And for that my sweet friend, I will always love you.

We’re gonna thrive not just survive

It’s absolutely done, skip the survival mode. Be kind, be absolutely kind. I am blessed, and I have to start acting like it. Even though I don’t see things. But that’s the thing! God always shows me in dreams, in life, that I have to keep faith. Big faith. Because it always worked out. It always worked out! Keep faith, I have no right to say: ‘Oh it’s so hot, if only I had an air conditioner, NO, I mean those are excuses. Big excuses.

I can’t just live my life, pay check to pay check. What did I do in between? Did I live then? NO!

And I always have to remind myself that I have to start acting like I’m blessed, start talking like I’m blessed, start dressing like I’m blessed. Yes, 100% yes, start doing the things I always wanted to do. Instead of waiting when the time is ripe.

If I want big things, I have to go for it. I have to go out of my comfort zone again. It’s worth it. And it’s okay.

There are moments when I have the trust. But I usually trust when I see it. It has to be vice verse. Even when I don’t see it, I still have to believe that it will come to me. How much more does God need to give me, in order to be convinced? That is not right, he has given me so much and I’m still doubting God? Who am I to doubt God, if he has given me so much. I’m blessed and God granted every wish. So I just have to take the steps and the rest will follow for sure.

I had a dream that my mother was pregnant and out of her body came a lot of orange juice. So weird, but I looked it up and it says something about me. Something positive. So it’s just telling me again, to have faith, don’t lose the faith. It’s all going to be fine. I live in a nice apartment, not by chance. So just living my life to the fullest, stop complaining and start counting my blessings!

It’s not easy, but I Make it easy

People, including my mother now, thinks my life is ‘easy’. Taking one of the highest risk possible, leaving the the most luxurious, secure life behind, is NOT easy. Going into a profession, which is absolutely NOT steady, is not easy. Everyday it is a thrill, an achievement if I get through it. I just learned my way. I have decided to do this, so I see it as a challenge. Because I see it positively, it seems so easy.

Going for a dream job and leaving that secure money behind is not easy. I know that I can make more money now at this very moment, but I also know if I persevere with this profession of filmmaking/acting, if I persevere and do my best every day and take risks, I KNOW I will achieve and earn much more than ever before, financially and spiritually I am at a higher place.

‘money’ and going on big fancy holiday’s is one thing, but I want to contribute that is why I left everything all behind. I can make it better. I wasn’t happy and because of this journey now I know that yes, I had everything and I should appreciate everything even the now. Good things are coming and there is.

Yes, I have to learn that there will be moments where I will FEEL insecure about my life, will I make it or not financially. BUT then again it is not about the money. Yes, of course basic needs is absolutely important. But taking a risk, going for your dream to do what your intuition is saying, trusting that my life is in God’s hands, damn, I KNOW it’s worth it.

I am ‘happier’ but actually I found myself or at least getting close to. I don’t make excuses anymore to not do my things. I will. I have to or else I will become like everybody else complaining about that I have to, what I don’t want to do. Because I didn’t make that risk.

I have to stop complaining, take responsibility for my own actions, if I have to cut back sleep, if I have to go out of my comfort zone again, I just have to do that. If I want to achieve the highest, I have to make myself worthy. Not go into feelings, because they are temporary.

And yes, life is easy, it really can be that simple, just do it.