Feeling stressed


Learned the hard way

God wants me to change my reactions to life, that I’m okay with everything. That I don’t utter words which are harmful to my spirit. I was so vain that it influenced my work.

Be careful what you say and wish for it all can become true. Everything. God listens. I cursed myself at that moment. I did that so many times. When I looked ‘ugly’ on camera. Now that I see myself in the commercial, that other shot where I ‘wished’ it wouldn’t make the shot was indeed beautiful. And the shot they used now, exposes my ‘imperfections’. Big teeth, big thick hairy eye brows.

After I have experienced that ‘full of myself’ attitude as an observer, I am just grateful that I made it through the final cut and at least I have been chosen, at least I’ve earned something. And LEARnED something.

I have learned the hard way how to work with the camera, I have Learned what angles are great for me and what NOT. I’ve learned the hard way. I’ve never really practiced how to be comfortable on camera. Difference about what feelings does to me, makes me bad actor, and when I just do it, in the moment thinking, not focusing on myself I am beautiful.

I didn’t know you can manipulate ‘beauty’ I didn’t know there was a difference in camera laugh and real laugh. I didn’t know that I couldn’t cross certain points with my face, so you can manipulate good and bad features on camera.

I didn’t know that it was needed to practice angles on camera and framing. I learned the hard way, work for what I want. I am a fool to think that I know everything, a fool. I suddenly wasn’t open for learning

I was being criticized for not knowing, ‘this is common sense. But it’s better to make mistakes, so i know the hard way of what not to do. So i know what makes it a success. The points and I only learned by doing.
Now I know I shouldnt style my hair it makes my nose big.

I wanted to be someone else, like them, but that doesn’t fit me at all. Their straight hair or color palette doesn’t fit me.

I will focus on what I have and work with what I have. That’s what I had to learn, I learned the hard way.

It’s not about me

My new year’s resolution for last year was to get closer to myself and contribute to the society by means of filmmaking. This is my first film with an actual budget, where I for the first time invested my own earned money. Me and my sister both, all for a good cause. Because I don’t live for just paying rent. Money comes and goes, but this fire that I have inside of me has to be put into action, which I did.

There is only one shot remaining and editing, the final stages, going into post production.

This journey has been incredible, we faced obstacles, but that was okay. The biggest obstacle weren’t the rejections or the delays, but working with someone who was so full of him self. That person was only thinking about himself, I hated this person for what he put us trough, our beautiful shot, our effort and work that we put in, he all flushed it away at that moment. When we were shooting. I should have replaced that person, it didn’t occur to me until the last few days before shooting day.

I realized that the person was a mirror. Things doesn’t ‘just’ happen to me. His attitude, not caring, not listenig, not trusting those people who have the best intention for that person, only thinking about himself, personal gain, not being on top of his work, ego etc. the list goes on and on, I looked at my sister and that’s where it hit me.

I did that to my sister, all of it, I was that person. It was just a mirror. I learned the hard way. I unconciously have hurt my sister. Her intentions are good and she wants the best for me. She ALWAYS has the best intention for me, and I was so mean to her. It was never personal, I was having my own ‘issues’. But how dare I to put that into my work or lash that out to her. Just because she is kind doesn’t mean that I can take her for granted. I was mean, I was like that person, now I felt what my sister felt. It’s horrible.

So many beautiful things are on my path, but because I think of myself only, I cry because my hair wasn’t ‘perfect’ or I didn’t look right or whatever, how can I be so selfish. It is NOT about me, I have to serve the story. I have to keep my personal issues and insecurities aside.

I was scrutinizing myself if something went wrong, that shot where I was crying out so loud and said so many harmful things about myself, And wished that the shot would not be broadcast, it would be a disgrace for people’s eyes, that’s what I said. And it didn’t eventually get broadcasted. But another shot did, where I didn’t look pretty at all, the other shot was much better. So yes, people will see me and look at a big smile with big teeth, looks not nie at all.

But you know what? After this experience with working with a guy who thought like that and that horrible experience with that person, I really don’t care now what will be broadcast or not, beautiful or not, it’s about serving the story. It’s for a good cause. Again it is not about me, it really isn’t.

I have been putting myself down, didn’t want to put effort, didn’t have the patience anymore, became so narcistic and thinking about myself only, this is wrong. If this all wouldn’t happen, I wouldn’t be aware of this and would live my life like this, taking that one thing for granted, which is the most important thing in my life, which are my parents and sister.

I am sorry, I have to forgive myself, sorry my dear, sorry 😦

I made a mistake

I made a huge mistake today and I should repent. I made a horrible mistake, I want to punish myself. I mean, the mistake was that I tried to help someone, but I became upset and frustrated, as opposed to what I did 4 years ago. 4 years ago, that moment when a girl at a desk was about to deny our stay, which I reserved, I knew that I had to stay kind and give empathy to that girl. I had to do it that way, I had to put my ego down and try to understand her. I should have done that. I don’t know, but I kind of lost that. And started to become frustrated and saying people are wrong.

People make mistakes, a lot of people don’t want to work and puts the blame on others, or don’t do their work properly. So they become frustrated. I don’t like it when employees give attitude, this year I tried to accept that, lose the battle and win the war. But today I flipped again. It started in the morning, frustrated about the fact that if my sister didn’t have a receipt, she would have been accused of something she didn’t do. It’s wrong and bad. But the message didn’t come across, because I started to become frustrated and became a bit angry.

I lost my focus and started to change people’s work ethic. I can’t. I have to let go. Who am I to fire someone? Who am I to put focus on that. I didn’t even do my own job properly today. What’s the matter with me. I’m a terrible person and I really have to learn to be a good human being. Right now I just want to go down hills and go all the way and punish myself. I don’t deserve better. Oef…Where are my priorities in life? Seriously, this is too much, focusing on these little things. It’s horrible and outrageous of me. Let people do what they want to do, I just have to give feedback in a polite matter, but I rather lose the battle and win the war. I lose my patience way too fast. What’s the matter with me? I got everything I ever wanted, this is horrible. I’m so bad 😦

Lazy day

Good morning my butterflies,

I had a nice, comfortable lazy day yesterday. It was super windy and cold, thus I decided to take a break and not do a thing. Just lying on my sofa, eating a doughnut, chocolate cookies and watch TV shows ‘grandfathered’, ‘my crazy ex-girlfriend’ and a cozy Dutch program.

I’m grateful I could take a day off, I needed it. It just puts everything into perspective and now I can work again. Doing nothing once a week, is great, just relaxing.

I do feel that I want to travel, I really want to visit Amsterdam. Or go out of the city and relax. I know this is the final straw. I know that I have to ……

[a few hours later] This is just a feeling and it’s okay. But I’m not living my life to just pay rent. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Whatever, I feel horrible so what. It really doesn’t matter, it’s okay. I just have to do it. If I don’t, I’ll be wasting my time and energy.

How gratitude changed my life

Hi sweethearts,

I’m learning a lot and I see now how I am acquiring more knowledge and skills. I am grateful for what I have. Initially things were thrown at me easily, things fell easily in my lap, but because I didn’t understand the concept of life, I thought: ‘oh well, I’ve got this but I want that’. I lived my life like that for years. Not being grateful for what I have in the moment, always chasing things that I didn’t have. This year, for the very first time, I accept life as it is.

I’m grateful for the little things in life, those are the things that make me. Those small things, walking in nature, baking chocolate brownies with my sister, those are the things. The rest is my work. But those ‘small’ things feed me in such a large way. I’m so grateful for this life, for this moment. I love luxury, ofcourse I love it. But I love it, if I can share it, when I’m with my family, that’s where my joy comes from.

Gratitude at all times, that’s why I’m where I am. Thank you.

There is so much more

Hi dear, hope you are doing well. U know me and sister were thinking about you. I completely understand you. There is so much more in this life. I’m grateful that I’m here, but I’m also grateful for the fact that I had a life without the glamour and just being. Cycling in Amsterdam, smell the fresh leaves, the air. You know at the time when I was in Amsterdam, I looked at magazines, I thought that was the life. If I’ll be on the ‘cover’ or if I’m an ‘actress’ in hollywood I’ll be happy and walk and talk confidently. I was so naif at the time. Now I realize I am shaped as a human being because of those normal things. I would be nothing if it wasn’t for those experiences.

It was hard to let go of Amsterdam. I lived there for 22 years. Now that I look back I see how much I had. I can’t have those moments back, it’s gone, life evolved.

I had an audition today where I had to dance. I did it, exercised before hand, danced, I did it with confidence but it was all over the place. Too much, too big, really bad. I was harsh on myself, called my dad and complained how bad I was. And I should have done it ‘this’ way etc. My dad said: ‘Take it easy, don’t beat yourself up, you didn’t kill someone. You’ll get it next time. It’s all about patience. And if you don’t it, this wasn’t in your destiny and you’ll get the next one. It’s all timing’. I realized something. Something that I forgot. It’s all about character building. My happiness, my state of being is not dependent on a yes or no from the outside force. I dance because I want to, I have something to give, good or bad, as long as I keep giving it’s fine.

I’ve always been very result oriented. And I discovered a pattern here. This is the same thing I did in Amsterdam. Going for the result, I have to have it. Why in the world am I conditioning myself. Since when is that the road to happiness. What is meant for me, is meant for me, period. It’s timing. I can’t have everything all at once and at least I have my parents. The love and support of my parents. That is everything, everything, everything.

I do my best and that’s it. That’s enough! I’m a wonderful and kind human being, the fact that I wake up every day and try to make the most out of this life is already an achievement. The fact that I am getting an opportunit everyday is an achievement. I am living, breathing, doing my best, following my intuition and my destiny, that is an achievement. I still have it all. Family love, nice apartment, friends, career, living in LA, traveling, doing what I love, making brownies with my sister, watching movies, hiking, swimming.

How my dream became reality in 2 years

Two years ago I was looking for a dp (director of photography), went to a hallmark commercial, worked as an extra for free. I wanted to be a producer, because I realized that I didn’t want to wait for people to notice me, I have to put myself out there. That was the initial step towards my career. I followed my intuition, I didn’t fight it. So at the time, I wanted to be a producer, produce my own things, have money to pay my crew, write checks, stay humble and having my own company. At the hallmark commercial I saw a girl, she was the producer, her nails was perfectly and beautifully done. I asked her: “Where did you get the time to do your nails”. She said: ‘I don’t, I just made time for it and came a little late.’ I was smiling and admiring the producer’s role. Some guy was sitting in front of me and actually introduced me to the producer. The guy turned out to be one of the crew people, he was a dp. I expressed my concern of not finding a dp. I had one day left, to get it. He said at: ‘Just when you about to give up, that’s when you get it. Keep going’. He also gave me a hub, where to find a dp. Of course, I didn’t give up, because I wanted it too bad. And two days later, I got the dp 😉 It was the best one.

It was a road of challenges, ups and downs, but two years later, on Sunday, it all became reality. All of it is happening. Writing the checks to my crew, from the commercials I booked, investing in my own projects and starting my own production company. I am a producer now, casting myself, my friends and my sister. It’s all about persistence and basic probability. Just keep going and one day I will have it.

I am doing my best and being grateful for this gift. Yesterday a friend asked me: ‘Are you still going to try to get a theatrical agent/manager?’. I said: ‘No, I did, they rejected, that’s why I am producing my own projects.’ 😉 And you know what, there are signs that this is my path. The result is much bigger, I have won an award for best message of the short film and three film festival selections. Now I’m working on my second short film. At the end of the day, I want to make movies, and be part of a project that matters to me. All the others are just tools, to invest in my own projects.

So how did my dream became reality? I kept going, kept working, and most importantly I invested in myself. I didn’t wait around, I made it happen. I created it. I took charge of my own destiny. I became the master of my own destiny, at least getting close to it.

Love you all.


This weekend was our first official shooting, more days to go. But I do have to say that I miss my crew. They truly cared and were dedicated to their work and took us seriously. No matter what our gender is, or how young/old we are, it’s about sincerity. This is what I want in life.

Regardless of any result, good or bad, I truly appreciate these people. They put their time and energy in it. Even though I paid, I’m learning to stay humble at all times, not be demanding.

I miss them, it was a beautiful experience. Not there yet, but getting close.

Love you all.

I still love you

I want to call you up right now and say I love you, I want you to come here and we live happily ever after here in Los Angeles. but I think you’re going ignore me and I can’t stand it, I want to hug you physically. But if I could say this to you and you would listen, I would say:
I still love you my jaan, no matter what the distance, I’ve realized after 4 years and not talking to you for a year, I couldn’t forget you, I couldn’t let you go. These feelings come and go, I don’t know maybe it’s just a moment, I want you by my side, hug me, kiss me, be with me forever. I’m living my dream, but I don’t have you.
Couldn’t you wait for me? You married someone else, only to find out that you also wanted to be with me. There were other ways my jaan. Is it too late? Is our love lost? Our love was real, pure, if you waited for me…. But how could you, you thought I would come back, but I didn’t mere yaar. Main kya karoon, this is my destiny, I made a choice and I have to commit to it. 😦 because this dream, it’s an opportunity of a life time and somehow you didn’t express that you would be there for me. Or would you?

Can you just come here and we will fall asleep together, soul to soul, sleep in your arms, hold me tight and I’ll be straight in heaven. That’s it the end. Your my destination, I love you, mere jaan, mere yaar. Hamesha, don’t let me go, let us feel each other, our breath, our body, I love you. Don’t let me go, please, I want to be your girlfriend, your wife only. I only had one love, one real boyfriend so far and that was you. Your love is the best, I like you, I really like you. If I could do it over again, I would have acted differently, perhaps just being friends only, at least I would have you right now 😦 now I love you too much and my heart aches that…. Do you want to be with me? See me?