It’s not about me

My new year’s resolution for last year was to get closer to myself and contribute to the society by means of filmmaking. This is my first film with an actual budget, where I for the first time invested my own earned money. Me and my sister both, all for a good cause. Because I don’t live for just paying rent. Money comes and goes, but this fire that I have inside of me has to be put into action, which I did.

There is only one shot remaining and editing, the final stages, going into post production.

This journey has been incredible, we faced obstacles, but that was okay. The biggest obstacle weren’t the rejections or the delays, but working with someone who was so full of him self. That person was only thinking about himself, I hated this person for what he put us trough, our beautiful shot, our effort and work that we put in, he all flushed it away at that moment. When we were shooting. I should have replaced that person, it didn’t occur to me until the last few days before shooting day.

I realized that the person was a mirror. Things doesn’t ‘just’ happen to me. His attitude, not caring, not listenig, not trusting those people who have the best intention for that person, only thinking about himself, personal gain, not being on top of his work, ego etc. the list goes on and on, I looked at my sister and that’s where it hit me.

I did that to my sister, all of it, I was that person. It was just a mirror. I learned the hard way. I unconciously have hurt my sister. Her intentions are good and she wants the best for me. She ALWAYS has the best intention for me, and I was so mean to her. It was never personal, I was having my own ‘issues’. But how dare I to put that into my work or lash that out to her. Just because she is kind doesn’t mean that I can take her for granted. I was mean, I was like that person, now I felt what my sister felt. It’s horrible.

So many beautiful things are on my path, but because I think of myself only, I cry because my hair wasn’t ‘perfect’ or I didn’t look right or whatever, how can I be so selfish. It is NOT about me, I have to serve the story. I have to keep my personal issues and insecurities aside.

I was scrutinizing myself if something went wrong, that shot where I was crying out so loud and said so many harmful things about myself, And wished that the shot would not be broadcast, it would be a disgrace for people’s eyes, that’s what I said. And it didn’t eventually get broadcasted. But another shot did, where I didn’t look pretty at all, the other shot was much better. So yes, people will see me and look at a big smile with big teeth, looks not nie at all.

But you know what? After this experience with working with a guy who thought like that and that horrible experience with that person, I really don’t care now what will be broadcast or not, beautiful or not, it’s about serving the story. It’s for a good cause. Again it is not about me, it really isn’t.

I have been putting myself down, didn’t want to put effort, didn’t have the patience anymore, became so narcistic and thinking about myself only, this is wrong. If this all wouldn’t happen, I wouldn’t be aware of this and would live my life like this, taking that one thing for granted, which is the most important thing in my life, which are my parents and sister.

I am sorry, I have to forgive myself, sorry my dear, sorry 😦

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