I love it, that I love you still

Why is it that I miss you so much, I love you so much. The only place we can be together is in our dreams. I really miss you, I am hungry for your love, your kiss, your hug, your attention, your passion. In reality, you’re not with me, our paths are different, our mentality is different, yet we both love each other. It’s the kind of love, that is beautiful from a distance, but the closer we come, well, I can just die in your arms, it’s the end, you’re my ultimate high in life. I let you go, but I never gave up on our love, because somewhere, another time we can be together. Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I cannot love you. Loving you makes me happy. I love love. Wow, my love and passion for you never changed, I just changed my focus and in consequence made everything else possible. Ohh God, I’m going to hug you passionately, very tight, in my dreams. I love you and I will continue with following my destiny, because that seems to enrich my soul in life, it keeps me going and it feeds me, in real life. I’ve become a better human being by letting things go, which I cannot control, which is you. That’s okay, I’m happy, with or without, I celebrate regardless of any circumstance. Celebrate life, I only have one. 😉 Happy last day of 2015. One of the best years, if not THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE, CHEERS!

I love you present

I woke up with wanting to have someone next to me, who I can hold tight, hug, be with that person forever and just being with that person, time can just stop. Ofcourse the bubble popped in real life, time ticks, even when I had that moment, several moments in life, you can’t beat time. Time! It never stops.

Anyway I tried to get milk back in my life. I hope this one works fine, I bought New Barn Almond Milk and grain free granola. Let’s see how this works out. I hope my skin stays clean. I really hope so, because I was really craving for good food, absolutely not processed.

It’s pricey, but health is wealth. Without health there is no point of proceeding with my goal, that’s what I’ve learned this year. I really neglected myself, because I had to make money, but my sister was the one who alarmed me of my bad habit. Thank God I have her, we really complement each other.

I’ve actually realized that everything I’m going through is a blessing. It is really important what goes in my body, that I keep being fit, that I keep growing as a human being, keep learning. It can be frustrating, but I don’t want to fall into this old habit. This stressed habit: having a car, but being stressed. When I slowly will conquer things, I want to be grateful, at all times. At all times. Because what I’ve realized today, is that I am completely aware of things, of myself. Aware of my surroundings. Awareness. Because of awareness I can be present, I can savor the moments and let it go. Create new moments. Joy comes from the simplest things, the little things in life. I love you, you the present, I love you, stay with me, now and forever.

Scared

 I’m scared. I know there is always a way. I am living on a month to month base. And I took a lot of steps and risks this year to get to my goal. However I am looking right now to the status quo. And I don’t have at the moment money. I am waiting for the checks to come, which I pray it will come soon and on time.

It’s crazy, 6 months ago to now, I had enough money, didn’t worry about that, took risks, invested in my film, ate quality food and this month I am paying my meals with my creditcard. And pray that I can pay rent on time.

But a year ago I was in the same situation. If I had the money right now and know for sure rent is paid and I can eat good, healthy food I would focus on my projects.

That’s where ‘put faith into action’ comes from and it worked. It’s challenging. But 9 months ago I was in another apartment where I had the same issue. But instead of worrying of what is, I focused on what I wanted to do, I took risks and worked on my projects. I worked for what I want.

So it’s okay, I can get through this, I really can. I think I missed the ‘rescue’ boat, I do have some options left, to get to where I want to be. There is some hope left, there really is.

At least I like to believe so. I’m going to take a nap and we’ll see.

Improving myself :(

The person I wanted to be with, every one of them, didn’t inherently like me. After a whole year, this year has been by far most the best. But I do realize that I am alone and I only have God with me. I hope God can let me go through this. I always wanted to be in a relationship and have a boyfriend/husband and be partners with that one. I have been put down by a lot of people I genuinely liked.
According to my sister I am:
Boring
Not creative
I read trash
Talk too much
Going into a routine
Insecure
Self conceited
Immature
No style

All of this was said today. I could handle it, but when she said the final characteristic, it sting. Not creative and I read trash.

It hurts. I read magazines, not the typical one, but about lifestyle, it inspires me. If it weren’t for those magazines, I wouldn’t be inspired to write an article about certain issues, which touched peoples hart. I wrote creatively and it takes a creative mind to get through this industry.

Why did it hurt me so much? Because I somewhere find a couple of them true. I tend to go into a routine, I talk too much etc. I always give my sister compliments and believe me I am not expecting anything in return, but to hear only negative things about me, I don’t like myself.
I have to change a lot more of myself. I used to be very patient, read a lot, did more, talked less. I guess I am still nothing, worthless human being and I have to push and do it 20 times better. I can be a much better person, than I am today. Be even more considerate of people, read more of the bible, focus 100%more on myself. This time if my sister is discombobulated, let her be, I have to safe my own ship, my own house. This phase is not forever, things will change. It definitely will, my focus is only on me and i try to be more considerate and be kind at all cause. Always keep your enemies close, they are eventually the ones who surprisingly help you. Staying true to myself, following my intuition, trusting myself, are all components to get through my journey.

This is my journey, I am the one walking it, so it better be worthwile and that is all up to me.

Act like a child, cheer, jump

I just listened to some bed time stories for children and listening to lullaby’s. Simple things. A story about rain drops and young boy was enjoying that, jumping around, getting excited because it was raining. A simple thing. Imagining a world around him. And playing. A child uses his whole body to express excitement.

I have to push myself again. Just jump in the air, laugh, cheer, clap, smile, fake it, just do the actions.

But like a child, being happy for the most simplest things in life. Smell the flowers, the air, beautiful sunshine. Love everything. Love everything, spread love and kindness. Sprinkle cuteness, sweets, smiles. Just do it.

Beautiful, simple love exists, light and sparkle exists, it’s all within me. Even if it’s an illusion, I can make it reality. Love is great. Love can conquer all. With or without, I’ll always have it with me. It’s the only thing guiding me. I can’t stop loving. I won’t. Even when it’s unrequited love, I’ll love. I’ll just transfer it into life. But I love everything, from flowers, people’s smiles, the cheer of children and people. I love LA, I feel joy here. I just have to go outside and people are happy and have a big smile on their face.

Good night my lovely cupcakes. Love you. 😉

From happy to crying

For the past few weeks, I was in heaven. I felt great, I was extremely motivated. Life couldn’t get better, that was the emotional state. Then my sister felt lost, I had to stop my work and put some focus on her. She felt lost, where I felt strength. I picked her up, made her feel special, we went to the ice cream shop, especially for her, after giving her an uplift, I put a lot of energy into her. She was happy. I thought I was happy.

The next day, she had to go to work and I did laundry, groceries. And suddenly it hit me, something that hit me 3 weeks ago. I felt bored to death, nothing exciting was happening, It’s all an illusion. I had hope, but suddenly it disappeared. Because I want to do something fun again. That’s why I called the person 3 weeks ago, to evoke some kind of ‘exciting’ thing in my life. I know I can’t go there again, I have to pick myself up. I invested all the money I had into my production. If I didn’t do that, I would have money to celebrate Christmas and new year in Las Vegas and have great buffets. I made a choice.

Calling my parents is a no. They can’t give me happiness. I want them here, but they are saving money, at least my mom is to come next year…And my Dad, well I don’t know about him. He used to be on top of his game, but he’s lost. I don’t like that. Talking to both of my parents now, is boring. Because I want to do something fun, not by talking.

I want to do all of these things again: traveling, have breakfast buffets, jet skiing, cycling, running. I had it all, but I was waiting for that stupid person, all my life. This was the only year that I let it go, and I did a lot of things by myself. Even today, I hiked by myself.

I cried when I woke up, I know I am on my own. I feel a lot of pressure, financial pressure, pressure of succeeding, pressure of whether I will ever love again, will I ever find love, pressure of being me. I feel lost. I don’t have anything to fall back on. I want happiness. I thought I knew what it was, but I feel lost. I want help, a super men. My dad is not acting like it, he’s trying. He used to be my super hero, the men who could get me anything, I learned from him, to reach to the top. But holding it? Oef, where is my old dad, he used to have it all. I don’t like this struggle, that I cannot eat everything. I feel despair and lost. I want love. I want a hug.

Thank God for the choices I made!

A year ago, I was standing here, I had no commercials, no money, holding on to that one impossible thing, having that guy, I stood here and prayed for forgiveness, for losing myself and putting others and things above me. I aimed to get closer to myself and God, I am here now, standing at the same place. But in between I’ve conquered so much. I’ve gained myself. I booked commercials, invested in my film, made my short film. I contributed and that person, who I chased and tried to be with. Still the same. That’s okay, my love for that person doesn’t change. I love for the sake of love and God. I trust God that everything has a time and place. I am grateful that I have myself. It shows strength. There is no turning back, no looking back. It’s about savoring this moment, this present. And making new, beautiful moments. I keep saying by letting go of the impossible, I made everything else possible. Making myself worthy. Thank you for pushing me in this direction. I’ll meet who I am, who I deserve. I’ll make my myself more deserving. I found love here, from the people, from the city, from the universe. Who am I to question you God. You must have planned something incredible for me, otherwise you wouldn’t shut the door. Someone who is kind, considerate, sweet, who has the same mentality, who is ambitious, a go-getter, who contributes to society, who understands the bigger picture, who understands the concept of life and goes beyond ourselves, helping other people, and more importantly who puts God first, and is content with himself. Who loves life, just because and is grateful at all times.
So here I am, still with myself, but with a better understanding, more awareness, more love and kindness. God bless you!

I want luxury, and I’ll work for it. It’s a good life, a beautiful one, I’ve faced hardships it’s now time for goodness. This year was amazing! Cheers to more, yes! Celebrate regardless of anything, with or without, this life is how I make it. The power is within me!

Work with what you have

If the door closes, and you want to open it, but you can’t trust me, something bigger and better is about to happen. Trust in yourself, trust in God. God knows better. Trust. It’s so funny that other people, based on social media and my actions perceive me strong. Inside, I am sometimes screaming and second guessing my decisions. Well, thank God I am just doing the actions. The rest will follow.

Oh and replace the person. If someone can’t be kind, I’ve learned to replace that person. It happened with my film, I mean I can give people a chance, but if they don’t want to be my friend, or want to be part of my project, fine, I’ll fire them, replace them. It’s okay. Life is too short to try to change the person or wait for the person to be kind or find them selves. Just keep it simple and replace it.

Also I fell into a dangerous habit again to check people on Facebook, dwelling into the past, beautifying it, calling that person, to be friends with, just reaching out to people, to the past STOP! I mean what am I doing. The person gave me a reality check yesterday, and I just hiked, got again motivation to put all my focus into myself. I challenge myself to not look at Facebook, what’s app or other people for at least till the end of 2015. Oef big challenge, means 4 weeks, no checking out other people, but I know it will help me move on with life. Move on and be present. I’ll practice being present every single day and minute. Not dwelling on the past, it’s gone, it’s vanished. I don’t have it anymore. Let’s do this, big challenge nr 2! Focus on myself completely, the goal is to completely focus on myself and not feeling the need to check others. It’s done. And I will always love, for the sake of God, love you! 🙂

Just be glad I’ve got ME!

I did one missed call and you called me back and then later in the evening you again called me. Dare I say, I picked up. Yes, I did. My heart was beating fast. A year ago, we talked and the conversation wasn’t really positive. But it’s not about what we said to each other, it’s about what we didn’t say. Your words were harsh at that time, but I let you go. I didn’t forget you, I just shifted my focus. I build up my career. I put focus on myself, I became a better person, I became kind and got the most beautiful gift of all: ME.

You asked me why I called you? Am I single, is that why I am calling you? To get you back? You said so many things, but I know you. I called to say thank you. Thank you for coming in my life, showing me what not to do. I thank you for all your words, the good and the bad. Again it is not about what you say, it’s about what you not say. I learned a lot. I did want to reconcile with you, perhaps after a year, I thought you could be my friend. We haven’t talked for a year. But the thing is, people don’t change, their masks just fall. Talking to you, saying thank you to you, talking positively to you, even though you tried to push your insecurities on to me, I still could see the positive side. Why? I told you 🙂 I’m happy, I am so grateful that you came in my life and what I didn’t say:

‘Everyday I thank myself for making this decision of choosing my career. For following my intuition. I’ve grown and I thought you might have changed. Perhaps not talking to you, life experience would help you grow. But you’re still a bit bitter. Hurt people hurt and lovely people love. It’s okay. I lost this battle, but I’ve won the war. At the end I found myself and the best Christmas gift is me 🙂 I rather be alone than being sick and miserable together. It’s about giving. Not waiting. In life you can wait your life away, which I did. I shifted my focus into my work, into something where I can contribute. I wanted to ‘feel’ for so long. That’s why so many go into drugs, alcohol or just blindly go into a relationship. I’m not going to deny things. I’m living my life and trust life. There are hidden treasures, secrets to life. I learned a lot from every human being. And when one door shuts another one opens. I learned so much. And I’m glad that the door has been closed. I don’t know why I turned again bitter, I was going into ‘frustration’ mode. Because I waited again, secretly. People don’t change and if you think they have changed, their masks fell.

If someone doesn’t like me it’s okay, I am not here for their approval. I do what I do, I don’t need to justify myself for that.
I thank God for giving me this platform to grow, for giving me wonderful parents, for giving me a kind sister. And for giving me ambition. A year ago I wanted to get closer to myself, get closer to God. Oh God, thank you so much. I’ve made the best decision of coming to Los Angeles. I haven’t lost anything. No sacrifices are made. I actually made the biggest investment and after 4 years I can safely say, It’s paying off. Oh yes, because the biggest gift of my entire life you have given me, is me. Getting close to me, myself. Appreciating myself. Because in that way, I appreciate God and life its self. I’ve got me, I’m my own best friend, I trust myself and my intuition. Thank you so much. People come and go, but I’ve got myself.

So cheers for finding myself, my goal has been achieved and thank you God. Dare I say if I’d stay and picked the wrong choice, I would have regret. The past is gone, I’ve closed the chapter, let’s start this beautiful new life. LA is my home, I’m loved here, God is alive here, it’s cheerful, there is happiness, love, laughter and joy. There is appreciation. I love you God, I keep loving. I love for the sake of God. Thank you for this life, thank you!

And you my friend, you picked up the phone, you immediately changed your Facebook picture, I know you were seeking validation through me. I know everything. You feel that I left you. But I never left you, I just went on with my life. I called you, to say thank you, to appreciate you as a human being. Regardless of what you might think of me, I know you feel the same about me. You said it yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t pick up the phone. But talking to you, and you asking me this question if I would go back, made me realize even more that all the doors has been closed and I just have to keep going forward. That’s it. Being happy and have a beautiful life here. 🙂 God bless you 🙂 And thank you for your harsh words, yes I don’t have ‘someone’, and I know you’re married. But I rather be with myself, than being with someone and not appreciating that person, and not dealing with my own feelings. I like to be with someone who I care about, who I want to give to. I actually closed the door, because it wasn’t fair to that other person, to be friends with me. I actually thank myself and my sister, for moving forward with my life. That’s why I am here. I just wanted to close with a clean heart, with love. That’s it. That’s all, nothing more, nothing less.

Spread love and kindness, always!