I’ve always been good enough, I just didn’t know it

Hi my beautiful darlings, my sweet friends,

It’s Friday 29th of February 2016. I had my french pressed coffee with kiwi and then I went hiking at Runyon Canyon. People! The weather is beautiful, inhaling fresh air, walking all the way to the top, with ease and music in my ears. Life is beautiful. Yesterday I worked, to ofcourse earn extra cash, but I’ve got such a headache. I meant to create and live life to the fullest. For the past couple of days I thought my life is boring, I found myself boring. But that’s not true. I have to remind myself that I am already good enough and I always remind myself when I hike, or exercise. I have always been good enough, I just didn’t know it yet.

I love life, I still love love and I still believe that the best is yet to come. It’s true, this is just the beginning. I’ve submitted my film to Cannes film festival, I will send it to more. I’ve send my film to a distribution channel. And almost done with my application to get funding for my film.

In my heart, I love. Love is driving me always. I love the simple things in life, cupcakes, sweets, hiking, just living life to the fullest by being present. This is what I have and I am going to work with it. I am already good as I am, I’ve become myself again, who I always used to be, loving unconditionally and enjoying my life by myself. If someone wants to join, that’s fine, but with or without, I am as I am and love who I am. It’s great being me. Because I can create magic whenever I would like to, laugh at the simplest things in life, I observe life, get easily excited and I have a drive, drive to live a great life.

Love yourself always, celebrate life with or without, it’s a journey, not a destination. I just have to remind myself, that I am the creator of my own happiness. Trust that my timing is in God’s hand and he knows what’s best for me. I trust you God, I completely trust you.

With love

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Reborn again

Hi my lovely birds,

I’m reborn again. I caught a cold, felt miserable, absolutely miserable, focused too much on my sister. About her life, her wishes, what she was doing, she wanted to meet new people, guys, explore new friends. I felt lonely, I had a lot of fear…

Then I became really sick, caught a cold and missed my mom and dad a lot. I was thinking about my life, my future. Then I listened to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXQh05-enDs

I feel reborn again, my senses are getting back, I could smell the fresh air. I finally have some rest in my head, because I am still a little bit sick. But slowly recovering. I am going to listen to my inner voice and not fight it anymore. I am looking at my gifts and path and if I feel fear, I should think about love again. Love of life, love in the moment. Nothing is for eternity, we can only do our best. I am not going to fight anymore. I know we have a free will, but I am fed up of going my way. I don’t know better. God knows better. He is the master planner. His plan is the best plan and if I want to change it, it means that I think that my plan is better for me, which clearly is not. Because it hurts, to fight against my destiny. I accept my destiny.

I am glad I became sick, the voice, the negative one, is not saying anything right now, because I am a bit numb from the cold. I am grateful for everything and I actually feel great. Happy, just because I can breath clearly and smell the fresh air. Those simple things. Whatever happens, happens for a good reason, I will go with my path, with my journey. YEahh!!!

Let’s do this, let’s have fun in life again, let’s take it moment by moment, do my best and have faith, that whatever plan God has for me, it’s the best!

Love you all, big hug

suicidal thoughts

Whole 2015 was a year of self discovery, it was the best year of my life. I let go and focused on myself. However I still was secretly holding on to love. That bubble popped.

I am being confronted with having a friend, having a boyfriend. The thing is, I don’t know if I want to invest myself again emotionally into a person. I don’t know. I always wanted a boyfriend. Always. I just turned 26. I did have someone in my life, but we weren’t compatible. I don’t want to be with a selfish person, yet I am constantly being called, self centered, selfish, shallow, I talk too much.

I don’t know how athletes do it. I do feel that I am in a work mode. I also don’t want to be travel by bus. When I was in Europe I had my own car. I am investing money into this career. Is it worth it? I am working on getting funding, asking questions how to market my film. Is this truly what I want? I am I pushing something away?

I have never liked myself. Perhaps the only time I really, truly liked myself, that was in elementary school. Then jealousy played their part, teasing, bullying etc. I hung out with wrong people, who didn’t have the best interest for me.

What’s the purpose of living? Why do I exist? What do I have, what do I own? The only thing I have is me. Is me enough? I feel stupid and I am boring. That’s what my sister is saying. No one cares if I die. I do have loving parents, they stand behind me like lions. I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I really wanted it. Once I had it, I realized that I wanted to have a career as well. And having that person in my life, I mean just that, is also boring. Now I know how to balance it.

But the fact is, I can’t lie to my brain anymore. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I have given myself an illusion for 25 years, that someday my prince will come. Being alone sucks. I do have a sister, but she doesn’t want to hang out anymore, she wants to hang out with other people. I feel collapsed. I am stupid. I have this wonderful body, I am slim, I do have a ‘nice’ face. I always get compliments about my look, yet, if I am that beautiful, why doesn’t a guy want to be with me, or perhaps they do. Why don’t I do it? What’s wrong with me.

And why for God’s sake, do I want to be independent when I am with someone. I want my own car, own house, I want to build myself, but that is such a huge challenge. It’s easy to have someone. I don’t know. I find my thoughts disgusting, I find myself disgusting. I just know that I want to build up my life, but I also want love. I don’t want to just jump, I want the real deal. Maybe I have high expectations. Now I don’t have any expectations and I want to stop with life, quit. But I also don’t dare to do that.

It’s hard, I am sorry. I know I have to push myself into loving myself. But right now, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. I should be grateful, I just want to escape. I want that constant feeling good mood, I want a constant stimulant. I don’t do drugs. Just having flings was kind of my escape. I am just escaping my emotions, I am not dealing with them. I don’t trust my journey, what is going to happen to me. I always wanted to be someone else. Always. Yet, people get ‘inspired’ by what I am doing and they copy it completely. I don’t have a boyfriend. I do have a loving mom and dad. But I also want to have fun in life. I also want to have fun in life. This is just too much, every f”cking day the same god damn routine. A guy will come into my life, and we will have some adventure. That was my dream…….

Worried

I am extremely worried. I’ve got huge anxiety. I don’t understand it.  However it always turned out fine. It did actually. It’s just a little bit scary, this silence, going into the unknown. But I know I want it. My
Second film made me realize that I have to trust my path, my journey, it worked out beautifully. Don’t push things and trust God’s vision. Don’t open the past door. I want to. Wanted to. Actually not anymore. It’s just a strange feeling. I don’t understand it. It hurts. I’m healthy, have a good life, obviously I’ve got some tasks to fulfill in life. But life is not  a straight line. Sometimes you have to stop to smell the roses. That’s my balance. Do something completely else which has nothing to do with ‘work’, my dream. Just be. I came in this world to enjoy, live. Enjoy life. I don’t want to talk about work ever. I just want to do it. I don’t want to say what I’m doing. I want to say: ‘I’m living my life, enjoying, eating cupcakes, live free, just not say a thing. I don’t have to justify myself to others. Or to myself. I can enjoy my life. Just have fun, savor each moment. Because that’s how I can fill myself as a human being. Have fun, live free.
Remember one thing: people who want it, talk about it, don’t get it. People who enjoy life, live free, do their best, just working on their dreams with a let go mentality, they don’t really care, they get it. Those people always get it.

Strange feeling

When I am entering into the unknown, I’ve got this strange feeling. Extremely strange feeling. Because there is nothing that I can fall back on. I want to run to the known, really, get that rest in my heart. It’s really scary. I find it really scary. But I only live once. So it’s better, if I take the opportunity to savor the moment. My sister is going to an audition, next to the cupcake shop.

I still have an essay to write, to get funding. I am stalling, because I’m scared to start with it. But obviously I have to do it, this is an opportunity for me to get buzz for my short film. To get acclaim for my film. But I can still enjoy life as well. I have to balance it. I can write as much as I can. I rather start and fail, than being afraid of making mistakes and not having accomplished anything.

So, I’ll balance it. I’m going to take a shower, wash my hair, freshen up, go with my sister to her audition, eat some cupcakes and come back with fresh energy and start on my essay. Let’s do this, let’s make magic happen.

Winner’s Mentality

Being ambitious is a great gift. Everybody was asking what they would do if they would win Powerball, the lottery. All of them replied they would go away, and never return, they would quit their job, travel, live somewhere else.
Very interesting.
But let me tell you something. You know what a winner, a successful, a billionaire person would say?
They would put it in their work, they would invest in their dream, in what they wanted to do.
My reaction?
I said:
I would make my own movie, cast the best and put myself in the lead, a mega movie, get a high end person from the film industry, like Steven Spielberg in the project.
Those two people were actually surprised. They didn’t even think about that. Now they were thinking.
That’s honestly what I would do and am doing. That is my purpose. Money is not a destination, not a purpose, it is just a tool to accomplish and complete my mission.

I’ve still got so much to give. Everything that has been given to me, is just a tool, but the battle has yet to be won. There are a lot of things to be accomplished. I would be the first who would put My country on the map, in regards of filmmaking. That is ambition. I still got a lot of fight in me. I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.
Don’t forget those people, those who helped, people who don’t have the tools at the moment. Help them and I can only help them if I continue following my purpose, achieving my destiny. All those people who have accomplished their mission, they went through  challenges.  Through their songs, their match, their persistence; they gave me hope. And if I continue, I can help others, inspire others.

We can help each other. There is no other way. It is not up to me to feel. I can only give. If I chase feeling, my control is in the hand of the marketing division, they sure know how to get me feel.

Yesterday I was cold, that job, those people, they were kind but I’ve reached the maximum of what I can learn over there. I want to go to the next level. But It’s about taking responsibility, and taking back my power, my belief. I don’t care if no one believes, I still got a lot of fight left in me. This is just the beginning. I have to hit harder, I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion. My powers are turned on. It’s done, it’s time.

I can’t think mediocre and just escape. I have to take the tools and run with it. Letting go of this feeling, that’s society, wanting me to consume only and feel. Which is fine, but it’s not a destination, it’s a tool.

I’m doing this for my nation, my country, this film is dedicated to my home, Europe, this is not for ME, this is for US.

Keep my dream alive

It is very important to keep our dreams alive. Always, always choose for your love, your dream, don’t go into this crazy route of getting money first and then follow your dream. Finish what I’ve started, at all cost. Never ever. That’s wrong thinking. It’s important to keep my dream alive.  I confess that I took things too lightly, everything takes time, everything. Those small things needs to be done, it cannot be taken lightly. It’s my dream here and my sister’s dream. She put her blood, sweat and tears into this project. We need a tactful marketing plan and funding from the government, I don’t know how but it’s our hope, I’ll give it my best shot. It’s never too late. Never. We cannot let our talent get to waste. We came here with a purpose and it’s still not fulfilled, there are beautiful things that needs to be done. Finish what I came for.

I learn from each moment, I’m growing as a human being. Going forward, keep going, this is what I’ve got and this is what I have. I’m working with what I have right now and that is more than enough.

I thank God for what I have and it’s a privilege to follow my dream. I am grateful that I can pursue it.

It’s my fault

I have to confess, everything that is happening to me is my fault. Me and my sister started with an ambitious project and she casted me. I didn’t trust her and through out making of this film, I’ve seen what it does to a project, if you don’t trust the captain. This project meant the world to her and because of my stupid insecurities I stalled things. I was worried about *bullshit things, money, rent, costs. It’s stupid and now because of me, she finds this whole project a waste. My sister who put her heart and soul into it, it’s ridiculous what my insecurities has done. I ask you God to give hope to my sister. She gave me a second chance to be a lead in her film, she put her heart and soul to this project, she is immensely talented let’s not put this into a waste.

My insecurities got to her, this is wrong. What I’ve done is wrong. If I could go back in time, I would savor every minute, every single minute of filmmaking with my sister and completely trust her, not argue with her at all, shut my mouth completely and do everything she said. Because I trust her. And now she wants to quit the business, I hate myself for this. I hate it that I think it’s about me. It’s not! I am here to contribute to the society not show off. God help me, please let my sister see light again and PLEASE let me have the strength to push this project forward so it can be seen by those where my sister intended. PLEASE. I am sorry for I have committed a sin, I let my sister down because of my insecurities. I wish I could be a better sister. A more trusting and giving one.

It’s a god damn privilege that she chose me for this project, she invested her blood, sweat and tears into me, how can I be so mean.

Do I even have a chance?

Do I even stand a chance? How dare I to doubt my decisions. I have to stand up for what I belief. I have to be confident about it that it is going to work. Even if it doesn’t, even if my film doesn’t go anywhere, I at least put it out there, because I believe in it. I am convinced about it, that it will work. Me and my sister, my sister even more, put our heart and soul in it. We did, how dare I to think that it will go nowhere. I put so much effort in it, so much is at stake. I chose to invest in my film as opposed to have a ‘secure’ life.

If I don’t invest in myself, if I don’t invest my own money in myself, who will? If people see that I am investing my own money into my projects, into my ideas, more people are eager to jump in. I must have something that I feel confident about. Or else why would I do it? I am not crazy that I am just flushing my money into the toilet. Regardless of the outcome, I finished it, I did it and send it out to the world, because I belief in it. Period. No matter what people will say, I will finish it and send it to the world. No matter what happens, I belief in my vision. Since no one else is doing it for me, I am doing it myself.

It is my dream, my vision, I have to protect it, I have to finish it, I didn’t put all this money to just give up. I invested so much of my time and energy to get to this point, now that I am having a little hard time, I want to just quit and not even try? This is my project and I belief in it, it is going to happen, I am going to send it. Regardless of the result, I will do it. Who cares about the outcome, fine if it doesn’t generate income right now, or ever, but I did it. Because believe in it. This story had to be told about no judgement, about a girl who dealing with an issue, which many girls face in Europe and hasn’t been talked about yet. I have to stand up for those, because I can. Even if this is the last thing I will do on earth, I will do it. I will contribute, I keep on contributing.

So God, I am asking you for help, to give strength, to push this project forward. I stand a chance right? Can I generate income as a filmmaker? Will that happen? Can I do it, I have so many stories to tell, which I as an actress want to be part of it. I want to continue to produce my own films. Can I continue? Will it work out? I have a dream and I have to protect it. There must be a way. I mean there must. I don’t know how, but please God show me the way and I walk on it. I trust you.

Let’s go

Yes, a new journey has begun, a new life, a higher level of happiness. Bigger challenges and a bigger growth as a human being. Celebrate this life, regardless of any circumstances, always remember that. This life is short, living for someone else, waiting for someone else. I can’t
do that and I choose to be happy.

Let’s go, let’s live, let’s do it, all together, we are one. We are not alone, we have each other. When God is all you have, than God is all you need.

Love you, spread love and kindness, much love.