suicidal thoughts

Whole 2015 was a year of self discovery, it was the best year of my life. I let go and focused on myself. However I still was secretly holding on to love. That bubble popped.

I am being confronted with having a friend, having a boyfriend. The thing is, I don’t know if I want to invest myself again emotionally into a person. I don’t know. I always wanted a boyfriend. Always. I just turned 26. I did have someone in my life, but we weren’t compatible. I don’t want to be with a selfish person, yet I am constantly being called, self centered, selfish, shallow, I talk too much.

I don’t know how athletes do it. I do feel that I am in a work mode. I also don’t want to be travel by bus. When I was in Europe I had my own car. I am investing money into this career. Is it worth it? I am working on getting funding, asking questions how to market my film. Is this truly what I want? I am I pushing something away?

I have never liked myself. Perhaps the only time I really, truly liked myself, that was in elementary school. Then jealousy played their part, teasing, bullying etc. I hung out with wrong people, who didn’t have the best interest for me.

What’s the purpose of living? Why do I exist? What do I have, what do I own? The only thing I have is me. Is me enough? I feel stupid and I am boring. That’s what my sister is saying. No one cares if I die. I do have loving parents, they stand behind me like lions. I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I really wanted it. Once I had it, I realized that I wanted to have a career as well. And having that person in my life, I mean just that, is also boring. Now I know how to balance it.

But the fact is, I can’t lie to my brain anymore. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I have given myself an illusion for 25 years, that someday my prince will come. Being alone sucks. I do have a sister, but she doesn’t want to hang out anymore, she wants to hang out with other people. I feel collapsed. I am stupid. I have this wonderful body, I am slim, I do have a ‘nice’ face. I always get compliments about my look, yet, if I am that beautiful, why doesn’t a guy want to be with me, or perhaps they do. Why don’t I do it? What’s wrong with me.

And why for God’s sake, do I want to be independent when I am with someone. I want my own car, own house, I want to build myself, but that is such a huge challenge. It’s easy to have someone. I don’t know. I find my thoughts disgusting, I find myself disgusting. I just know that I want to build up my life, but I also want love. I don’t want to just jump, I want the real deal. Maybe I have high expectations. Now I don’t have any expectations and I want to stop with life, quit. But I also don’t dare to do that.

It’s hard, I am sorry. I know I have to push myself into loving myself. But right now, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. I should be grateful, I just want to escape. I want that constant feeling good mood, I want a constant stimulant. I don’t do drugs. Just having flings was kind of my escape. I am just escaping my emotions, I am not dealing with them. I don’t trust my journey, what is going to happen to me. I always wanted to be someone else. Always. Yet, people get ‘inspired’ by what I am doing and they copy it completely. I don’t have a boyfriend. I do have a loving mom and dad. But I also want to have fun in life. I also want to have fun in life. This is just too much, every f”cking day the same god damn routine. A guy will come into my life, and we will have some adventure. That was my dream…….

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