I didn’t win, I am still waiting for the miracle, things to happen, pushing my desires, but I realize that this moment right now, is all I have, this is it, I surrender

My short film got another selection for best film. Everything was pointed towards the fact that I would win. But I didn’t. Back to back I received no appreciation from certain people. I am waiting for a lovely nice guy to pick me up and make me happy. Who am I kidding? I mean seriously, I can’t live in this illusion. It doesn’t work.

I saw nice people on Youtube, nice guys who are living there lives, genuinely and working on them selves. They do it with such ease. Perhaps other people think that about me, when they look at my profile. But inside, I am waiting for that miracle, to actually feel good and fulfilled. I want to feel fulfilled.

Getting my degree, awesome, then I found another thing, having a boyfriend, beautiful, then I found another thing, career, yes, came from Amsterdam to Los Angeles, then I found another thing, living in a beautiful apartment, done deal, then I found another thing. I keeps going. On and on. How do I feel fulfilled, I have to learn that still. But it definitely doesn’t come from winning or not, getting all my desires or not. The feeling is still there. I often feel fulfilled and often not.

I don’t care anymore. Forget everything, I don’t have it and I have to make the most of what I have. Forget the past and future, neither are in my control. It’s done, it’s gone, it’s not in my hand. I have to focus on what I have in front of me. I often talked to my prince charming in my dreams. When I met him, at least I thought so, it lasted for a little while. Because I wanted to pursue my career. I know I made the right decision, consider the fact that the person wasn’t right for me, but those small moments, I miss, I want it. I am a libra, I decide and then doubt my decisions. I can go either way.

I wanted both, him and career. But again would I feel fulfilled. I would, he didn’t. God, when will I find him? But that means, not living with my sister. She is so kind. I want to create a legacy, make something innovative. It’s not as easy as it sounds. It takes tremendous amount of commitment. Oef, choices.

I wanted to be just a girl, but I know I am ‘special’. Being special and having talents, having big power, comes responsibility. I will remove all my desires, my ego and completely help you God. I have tried to push my things, but it’s clearly not working. I’m doing what you say, tell me, I will listen. You’re the only thing that is left. I follow you God, no one else. I surrender completely. I don’t know anymore. I surrender

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