I talked to you for a moment, it wasn’t you, but it felt like you

Hi,

In the midst of the crowd, of my moodyness, I missed you and thought of you. Then an uber driver picked me up and there you were. Your voice, same. It would be nice if I actually could talk to you, but I’m not going to push it. I accept my destiny. 

It was someone else, but in that moment, I was present. It was nice. It was a nice moment, I really missed you. It was really nice 🙂

Talking in Hindi. But I let it for what it is. And continue with my life.

There is hope. That is enough ❤

My home, I love you so much, thank you for letting me stay for so long

My dear home, I love you a lot. I have been living in Los Angeles for 5 years, and for the past 2 years, I feel at home. This apartment that I’m in right now, has chosen me. And now it is letting me know that it’s okay to move on. Yes, I did want to go higher, but you were truly a home to me. I didn’t and actually still don’t want to leave you, no matter how many signs are telling me to let you go. I found myself here, my relationship with my sister professed here, I found my essence, my work. So many good things happened here. You have been good to me,  so kind. I felt at peace at this apartment.

I love you, thank you. I don’t know from here at the moment what will happen. But I do want to say that I love you my home. I truly love you. A home is not defined by money, it’s defined by harmony. And you have that. Thank you so much ❤ Thank you for so much love, that is what you have given me, my sweet home. I love you <3.

I got my beautiful visions here in this apartment, beautiful predictions, love and I felt the presence of God. Thank you, I love you. ❤ Happy holidays and thank you for loving me 🙂

Happiness is not ready made, I have to work on it, which means it’s in my hands :)

Good Morning Star shines,

5 years ago, I had a picture in my room, a picture of a pool with palm trees. I was in Amsterdam, where there are no palm trees. I thought if I would achieve this, if I could go there to that place, I would be happier, I would feel alive, feeling at rest. 5 years ago, I went to Los Angeles. And I went into an apartment complex that looked exactly like that picture.

Truth to be told; I wasn’t happy. It was even worse. I felt not in harmony, I felt I lost something. How is that possible? This is my dream, this is all I ever wanted. But life doesn’t work like that. I broke my heart. 3 years later, I accepted that I had a broken heart, I made peace with my decision of my commitment to God. I realized, once I made peace with myself and God, once I accepted my present, that’s where I found happiness.

Everyday I have to remind myself, that I have a commitment to God first, he knows. I do trust God. Everything is fine and will be alright. It always turns out to be fine.

It starts with the morning. It all starts with the morning. The morning is fresh. It’s serene.

I dreamed about Gold Honey. Very beautiful, delicious. It’s possible. There is a possibility of ultimate happiness, there is. For now I am happy 🙂

Cheers

Family time; Merry Cozy Christmas

I talked to my Dad, I realized that in actuality I have a lot of things to be grateful for. The blessings that I receive from God are countless.

I’m in my bed, watching a movie, with my sister. We fight and make peace. It’s about being honest and being kind. That’s family. 🙂

Merry Christmas, wishing you a warm cozy Christmas 🙂 ❤

How to accept myself as I am?

I like everybody else except myself.  I like how everybody else is acting, but when I do it, I don’t even know. I am trusting the wrong person. Tell me God, who am I? How should I act. What choice should I make. It’s in the action, what am I doing. The actions defines the character.

Sometimes I want to get a bullet in my head, to stop thinking. Sometimes I want to kiss that person, and be in the moment. Check out.

 

I’m trying, I’m really trying

Hi blossoms,

It’s Christmas. It’s almost the end of the year. I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I have tried. I’m still trying. Ofcourse I want the best for my film, of course I wished I had it on point, regarding the shots. But I only learn by doing. I can’t practice too much in advance, otherwise I don’t like it. All I know is that I shouldn’t blink, don’t squint, don’t do that much. That makes me very insecure, because I don’t know what to do. All I know is that in real life, you let things go. I go with the flow.

I don’t know, but I am trying. All I know is that when I practice the scene and bring it in, I need redirection, perhaps I should have.

I hate it when I don’t know. I’m being called a bad actress all the time, by my hitler sister of a director. Every single time, I’m not good enough, I hate working with her, it’s actually a curse, since no one else is hiring me. I’m a bad actress, because I didn’t realize that I was blinking and that I am squinting with my eyes, that’s what she said.

Why does it get to me so much. It hurts a lot, as if someone is putting a dagger. why? Because I don’t have anything else. I don’t have anything else. I really did my best, I’ve been trying every time to be an actress. I get rejection after rejection. I was 16 years and I was rejected three times, I was called the worst actress. Now I’m in front of the camera and again I’m called a bad actress. It matters to me, because I don’t have anything else nice in my life, that’s why I want this to make it work. I need to know that I am good. I just need to know. With love, having someone, a boyfriend, I felt something of my own, at least I thought so.

Where is my control. Where is it, I feel massifely scrutinized. She always does that to me. She is insecure. She has nothing of her own. I want it too much. I’m losing. I have a hard time letting go. It really gets to me. I have a hard time letting go. I really do. I can’t and it’s difficult for me. I am frustrated as an artist, I am. She took a break, I didn’t want that. I wanted to complete the film. I have to accept that there will be many turns on this route. My eyes hurt. So many things I should know, practice, It’s the hard way, I am still not there yet. Not even an inch. For other it seems easy, I have to practice. I can’t act

I want to see first, then believe

I want to see everything first, before I take the step. My intuition is saying move to Santa Monica. I’ve got another chance to do it. Clarity, that’s what you God can see. I can’t see it. I feel a bit trapped. I want to stay in my comfort zone. I really do. I don’t want to go outside, yet I do want a change of scenery. I just want to stay home. I appreciate life, I do want to succeed and want to do things, but somehow I am not acting on it.

I want to see everything first. I don’t know if I have to push myself here or let it go. Perhaps it will come naturally?

I have watched two movies. Relaxed. I feel nauseous. 😦

I think I have to go outside.

I can create my own heaven or my own hell, choose wisely

Happy Holidays everyone! It’s Wednesday 21st of December. It’s very important to look at the positive in life and don’t let circumstances get in the way of happiness. Yesterday I realized that life is beautiful. Yes I’m struggling with finishing the movie. But I encountered someone who was struggling with deeper things, talking to that Uber driver, felt as if there was no hope left in life. I am happy whatever I am facing. It’s okay.

I have wonderful parents, who are loving, and a loving sister. Compared to what I heard yesterday, God, I am blessed. The head space I’m in right now, is light, fairytale. Life is like that.

We do create our own heaven or our own hell. We do our best, make mistakes, learn from it. I choose to let things get to me, or just focus on the positive and what is going right. A lot of things are going right. I’m really grateful about that.

I have a warm house, I can take a warm shower, I can eat and dine where I would like to. I’m not choosing it right now, since I don’t want to interact with people at the moment. I am positive and I like to keep it that way.

Life doesn’t turn out the way I want to, it turned out better, for my best interest. I am grateful and I go with the flow. That’s all I can do 🙂

No matter what happens, with or without, I appreciate life as it comes, life has been good to me.  I learn and do my best. I want to live the best life possible and let it go. Compared to that driver, I’m living in heaven. All because I choose to think that way and live life lightly.

Take it easy, being kind to myself is the key to living life with happiness.

Be kind to yourself, wish you a beautiful holiday. I’ll be home for Christmas together with my sister. 🙂

Much love, big hug ❤

What’s the point of going further

I’m now in the editing process, again facing hurdles, that thing doesn’t want to be edited. God, we got an iMac with retina display and ‘dedicated’ graphics, which is supposed to make editing smoother. All Bullsh*t.

Everything takes time. My apartment is upside down, I have to clean it, because of that leakage issue.

Some people can disturb things, for the most insane things. Which truly doesn’t matter.

Yes, I am frustrated. Frustrated, because I am following my dream, but it doesn’t stop there, there are hurdles, complications, interruptions.

I just want to get from A to B. As simple as that. It really is that simple. But No, not in this life, there are hurdles, obstacles. I am apparently letting them taking it over. I don’t see the point and end goal. I don’t see it. I don’t see the point of getting there. Seriously. I don’t know what I will find, once I arrive. I know I’ll get there if I persist, but seriously is it worth it?

Sometimes I just want to escape, go to the past, I want to give up, but something is not letting me. Because I have nothing else. God, I feel so stuck. I want to end this life, but what’s after this life? I don’t know, perhaps it’s even worse.

I have lost my balance. Ideally I want everything to go smoothly. Everything.

For a moment, with that actor, I felt such a relief, flirting, romance, love. I miss it so much. I want it. And I want it with the person, who is not open to it. he has his own inner conflict.

Why can’t it be simple. You love each other and live happy together. Kiss, hug, walking together outside. holding hands. Hugging forever. that’s all. Stopping life right there. Just hugging with you, kiss you on the cheeks, on your lips, being in your arms and time can be stopped right there. I don’t need to go further. i don’t. There is nothing else higher than this. I don’t see it. I thought I had it, but I don’t have it under control. I never have. I don’t have the motivation to live further. I don’t see it.