I’m now in the editing process, again facing hurdles, that thing doesn’t want to be edited. God, we got an iMac with retina display and ‘dedicated’ graphics, which is supposed to make editing smoother. All Bullsh*t.
Everything takes time. My apartment is upside down, I have to clean it, because of that leakage issue.
Some people can disturb things, for the most insane things. Which truly doesn’t matter.
Yes, I am frustrated. Frustrated, because I am following my dream, but it doesn’t stop there, there are hurdles, complications, interruptions.
I just want to get from A to B. As simple as that. It really is that simple. But No, not in this life, there are hurdles, obstacles. I am apparently letting them taking it over. I don’t see the point and end goal. I don’t see it. I don’t see the point of getting there. Seriously. I don’t know what I will find, once I arrive. I know I’ll get there if I persist, but seriously is it worth it?
Sometimes I just want to escape, go to the past, I want to give up, but something is not letting me. Because I have nothing else. God, I feel so stuck. I want to end this life, but what’s after this life? I don’t know, perhaps it’s even worse.
I have lost my balance. Ideally I want everything to go smoothly. Everything.
For a moment, with that actor, I felt such a relief, flirting, romance, love. I miss it so much. I want it. And I want it with the person, who is not open to it. he has his own inner conflict.
Why can’t it be simple. You love each other and live happy together. Kiss, hug, walking together outside. holding hands. Hugging forever. that’s all. Stopping life right there. Just hugging with you, kiss you on the cheeks, on your lips, being in your arms and time can be stopped right there. I don’t need to go further. i don’t. There is nothing else higher than this. I don’t see it. I thought I had it, but I don’t have it under control. I never have. I don’t have the motivation to live further. I don’t see it.