It’s Christmas. It’s almost the end of the year. I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I have tried. I’m still trying. Ofcourse I want the best for my film, of course I wished I had it on point, regarding the shots. But I only learn by doing. I can’t practice too much in advance, otherwise I don’t like it. All I know is that I shouldn’t blink, don’t squint, don’t do that much. That makes me very insecure, because I don’t know what to do. All I know is that in real life, you let things go. I go with the flow.
I don’t know, but I am trying. All I know is that when I practice the scene and bring it in, I need redirection, perhaps I should have.
I hate it when I don’t know. I’m being called a bad actress all the time, by my hitler sister of a director. Every single time, I’m not good enough, I hate working with her, it’s actually a curse, since no one else is hiring me. I’m a bad actress, because I didn’t realize that I was blinking and that I am squinting with my eyes, that’s what she said.
Why does it get to me so much. It hurts a lot, as if someone is putting a dagger. why? Because I don’t have anything else. I don’t have anything else. I really did my best, I’ve been trying every time to be an actress. I get rejection after rejection. I was 16 years and I was rejected three times, I was called the worst actress. Now I’m in front of the camera and again I’m called a bad actress. It matters to me, because I don’t have anything else nice in my life, that’s why I want this to make it work. I need to know that I am good. I just need to know. With love, having someone, a boyfriend, I felt something of my own, at least I thought so.
Where is my control. Where is it, I feel massifely scrutinized. She always does that to me. She is insecure. She has nothing of her own. I want it too much. I’m losing. I have a hard time letting go. It really gets to me. I have a hard time letting go. I really do. I can’t and it’s difficult for me. I am frustrated as an artist, I am. She took a break, I didn’t want that. I wanted to complete the film. I have to accept that there will be many turns on this route. My eyes hurt. So many things I should know, practice, It’s the hard way, I am still not there yet. Not even an inch. For other it seems easy, I have to practice. I can’t act