Sometimes it’s already there and we’re searching else where

Sometimes you FEEL as if you’re working in a vacuum. Wanting more results. I persevered, enjoyed life and was willing to do it on my own. And now I got what I was looking for. It was already there, but I didn’t see it. Sometimes it’s already there and we’re searching else where. Nothing wrong with that. You learn from it and proceed further. Sometimes when your intentions are good you can still go and move on. And the universe will help you. It’s a constant process, never give up.

You never know, last minute you can get anything. Anything can happen. Sometimes a project is so so average but it’s still made, because of good people. I think I’ve got my sign to persevere.


California is a united cultural vibrant city

I receive so much from life, from God, I have harmony within my family, that is my biggest happiness. There is no need of saying why that person is getting more or less, that is not up to me. I can only be happy for that person.

Experiences make a soul happy. It’s absolutely nice to have a beautiful watch on my wrist, but it makes it extra special if it came from my loving dad. A piece which I can pass on to the next generation.

Arts and culture is very alive in California. There is Jazz night every where, there is unity in the city.

Arts matters here, I’m blessed to be here, I have a chance, an opportunity, I love it. It’s coming more and more alive ❤

What if it will workout with my career? what if it does? Then this period, is just a period.

I am going through this period, where I am building. Keeping up with my values. I want something, something big. If I back down, giving in to desires, I will delay the process.

I’m doing what I can, it’s not in the results I learn, it’s the before and after.

I am daring to risk failure for a chance at greatness.

The perception is lots of people are getting ahead of me, I am losing. That’s what it seems like, if my belief was at the stock market, I’m losing now. Everyone around me seems to go places, getting ahead, living life. I’m still building though. Having said that I don’t know how my destiny will turn out. I really don’t know, I’ve reached far, but I want to go further, I’m building.

What if I will surpass everyone in one year? IT may seem that I am losing, but what if I win the war? I’ve lost many battles, also won some, but in one year I will win the war.

What if it will workout with my career? what if it does? Then this period, is just a period.

It might take some time, but I’m building

I have a choice to focus just on myself, my wishes. I’m not getting anywhere by watching other people, I’m not growing from it. Frankly speaking, that’s not my concern. Where my importance lies is sticking to my ideals, things that I believe in.

It’s not up to me what speed I am going. But I can’t stop, I won’t, I want to continue from Oct 2011 to next year, that took me 7 years to come to a point where I could have finalized my feature film. Perhaps 8 years in a global scale. But that’s what I want, I love it, I love my life. I can’t look to others, they are happy in their own way, I have to check what works for me. What makes me happy in the long run. It’s important. I have a choice, I chose for this life.

Focusing on what’s important for me. My art, my craft, my storytelling, my way of living. It might take some time, but I’m building and I stay happy for a long long long long time, yes!

I love American films, American songs, California life ❤

Thank you God.

It wasn’t meant to be :(

I am dealing with my emotions, disappointed. Charged for a cancellation fee which wasn’t my fault, trying to work it out, got wrong water, nestle pure life is disgusting, and I still want the impossible, being with someone which is not in my destiny, because it is not coherent with my purpose. Wow, contradicting to the max and disappointed about now.

What I want is possible, but not at the same time. Either I compromise on my purpose, no I don’t want to. Jesus this huge contradiction I’m living with.

It’s also a side effect of not going to social media anymore. I immediately would go to it and check out other people. Now I’m not. I’m not hiding. I’m crying, but I have to pick once and for all. Because the past is finished, I can’t do anything with it. I never could anyway.

I loved him, In October it will be six years, since I’m here in LA. I truly liked him, we hung out, but it wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t 😦

Somehow it’s still working with my purpose, that is meant to be, because somehow I’m able to continue. But love, that love, nope it was dead. I don’t like that at all, but it’s impossible, I’ve tried so many times, so many years to make it work, but it’s not working, it was fine that it was coming from my side first, but I also have to think about my future too. He is moving on with his, so I have also have to continue with my life. He might not realize but I’ve cried a lot, it wasn’t easy to move on.

I am not some super woman with no feelings, I have feelings. I don’t grab another guy to move on, or have grab to unhealthy things, I truly am dealing with my feelings. I tried to date someone else, but I cannot replace the feelings, I have to deal with this one. Even when it takes me a life time to move on to someone else. I might not want to. Or it is not meant to be yet…

It is what it is. What is done cannot be now amended. I’ve chosen for this. Period. It wasn’t going to be an easy road, I wasn’t promised that I would live happy everyday. Every choice has a consequence. A good choice has a consequence. I cannot make everybody happy, don’t want to, and I can’t.

I have to think for myself. I don’t want to talk negative about him, my feelings were positive for him, that’s all that counts. Whatever he thinks of me, felt or not felt, I felt for him, I loved him, that’s all I know.

But I also know that the choice I’ve made, even though I’m crying and sad, I know that eventually it is the right choice for me. Regardless of what he thinks. I had a dream before him, cannot abandon that, just for him. Sorry, I don’t mean to hurt his feelings, but my dream is something that I had since I was 3 years old, it’s something that fulfills me, that’s the commitment I’m willing to take. And yes, he wasn’t fulfilling me at that level, like my ambition does. I have to be honest. I din’t want to hurt his feelings, but perhaps my action of committing to my dream, my ambition over him, made him realize that he never will be my life. I love him, but he is not my life. God is and always be.

Actions speaks louder than words. He made the action of not giving me attention, of ignoring me, so I made my decisions, it surely wasn’t meant to be. I walked away and pray to God that I have the courage to not look back again, from this day onward.

A beautiful, cozy Sunday Evening

I love coziness, especially with family. Today we went outside in the evening, we went out for dinner on Monday. We went to an Indian Restaurant, it was a beautiful, serene evening. Today as well. We had some macaroons, ice cream and went to Erewhon supermarket. We drove back home, it was like my youth. I saw houses with lights on. Really cozy. I really appreciate this. I thank God for this wonderful opportunity. I am truly grateful. Thank you for this wonderful gift. I love it and I can experience it.

Thank you, truly what a beautiful Evening.


Being noble: high moral principals and ideas. I have it, I’m living it and I have to stick with it. 

This is what I wanted and I own it. I love where I am right now, this is always what I wanted. Freedom, being able to live free, to sing, dance, make magic happen everyday. This is fulfilling to me, I wanted growth in my life. This is my life.

I somehow had this fear, what if I made a bad choice, but there is no such thing as a bad choice, because it came from my heart. I made this choice, with a leap of faith.

I trust myself, I wanted to be enlightened and I am. This is fulfilling to me. Am I relevant? Will I be relevant 5, 10 years from now? YES! Absolutely, I will. I put faith into action, I went for this.

I experienced amazing moments together with my sister. Throughout this journey. I always wanted this, to leave behind a legacy. Which is not a one second task, it takes patience, commitment and faith, a lot of it. This is fulfilling to me. And I have to go all the way.

I have to look at the cards that are in front of me.

1)A loving, supporting father, he supports me financially to live my dream
2) loving mother
3) a supporting loving sister, who happens to be a great business partner
4) freedom of time

The choices that I made, I made them with my heart, practicality, pure logic. I trust that I am on the right track. It’s not about the desire what I feel in the moment, it’s sometimes looking ahead. What’s is fulfilling to me now, I know for a fact that being an artist, creating a story, film, is bliss to me.

Being noble: high moral principals and ideas. I have it, I’m living it and I have to stick with it.

Content is king, Quality speaks, always.

I feel lost, gloomy, down, mind full of clutter, why? That’s the world right now, at least on the internet. While, real life is simple. I have an easy concept, simple and accessible. I’m going with that, it might take time, but that’s the way to do it. Simple. simplicity, not high tech.

Yesterday my mind was clear, I went to the Grove, had an Ice Cream, these were my thoughts:

Experience life, that’s what I live by. cooking together, having afternoon tea, eating ice cream. These are the moments. Real moments. The pace that everything is going is correct. It’s actually perfect. If I would get everything at once 5 years ago, 10 years ago, I would not have lived life, Poetry comes from life. From life experience, art comes from those beautiful interactions, parting with your loved one, love, without that life wouldn’t be fulfilling.

Innately why do I buy a product? If there is a need for it, or as an accessory. Not because someone is famous, let me buy it. On the other hand if you see in realilty that someone’s skin is clear, of course, I’m curious what product/ food their using. But still that cannot be trusted. You don’t know it, how it affects the skin in the long run. Content is king, Quality speaks, always.

Now back to experience. Long drive, afternoon tea, waling outside int he evening, cooking that’s what makes life fulfilling. and creating, writing, doing something that doesn’t feel like work, just creating, really doing something I love.

In Amsterdam I was always hoping and wishing for this life in Los Angeles. But what a fulfilling life in Amsterdam, now that Look back. Having said  that, I don’t want to repeat my past by looking in the future, nor the past. What can i do now? That’s what I did yesterday and today. Celebrating life, with or without. i have all the beautiful experience, that I can put in my art. I am already fulfilled, but how can I have a fulfilling day everyday?

I love evening walks with my sister. Swimming, life’s simple pleasures. combined with making movies, creating. Too much of one thing is one sided, I like my balance, everything in balance.

I love the coziness of life

It’s now 7.30pm. This day has been a delight. I just came from a nice evening walk. Then I had a fresh grapefruit. Very delicious. Very serene and very romantic. These things, i thought I would do with my ‘partner’, my so called ‘significant’ other. But instead I have found and embraced my companionship with my sister.

It’s nice to create with my sister, family, home. Coziness. I love it.

Embracing my pace. What are the actions, behavior, reaction if i would have ‘everything’ I wanted: Calmness, begin in harmony, bliss.

Doing everything int he morning helps, efficiency is high, calm & collected.

Beautiful, I have everything. Thank you ❤

When I focus on my life only, I am very happy and content.

This is the life! This is exactly what I wanted in life. If I persevere, life will unfold itself in beautiful ways. I just had a nice evening Swim again, took a shower and I feel relaxed and well rested. I released tension in my body and left my analytical mind for a while.

When I focus on my life only, I am very happy and content.

It doesn’t matter what position everybody is, I know what I am doing. I’m glad I’m me, this life suits me, this is what I wanted. Let others be, may they be blessed. I trust, I have trust in God that everything will work out and is working out. I trust, I have rest in my body. It’s okay, if others are first that’s okay, the last will be the first. Always is, always will be.

It’s basic probability, my chances are getting higher. It’s worth the wait, since the result will be magnificent. Patience is a virtue.