I am dealing with my emotions, disappointed. Charged for a cancellation fee which wasn’t my fault, trying to work it out, got wrong water, nestle pure life is disgusting, and I still want the impossible, being with someone which is not in my destiny, because it is not coherent with my purpose. Wow, contradicting to the max and disappointed about now.
What I want is possible, but not at the same time. Either I compromise on my purpose, no I don’t want to. Jesus this huge contradiction I’m living with.
It’s also a side effect of not going to social media anymore. I immediately would go to it and check out other people. Now I’m not. I’m not hiding. I’m crying, but I have to pick once and for all. Because the past is finished, I can’t do anything with it. I never could anyway.
I loved him, In October it will be six years, since I’m here in LA. I truly liked him, we hung out, but it wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t 😦
Somehow it’s still working with my purpose, that is meant to be, because somehow I’m able to continue. But love, that love, nope it was dead. I don’t like that at all, but it’s impossible, I’ve tried so many times, so many years to make it work, but it’s not working, it was fine that it was coming from my side first, but I also have to think about my future too. He is moving on with his, so I have also have to continue with my life. He might not realize but I’ve cried a lot, it wasn’t easy to move on.
I am not some super woman with no feelings, I have feelings. I don’t grab another guy to move on, or have grab to unhealthy things, I truly am dealing with my feelings. I tried to date someone else, but I cannot replace the feelings, I have to deal with this one. Even when it takes me a life time to move on to someone else. I might not want to. Or it is not meant to be yet…
It is what it is. What is done cannot be now amended. I’ve chosen for this. Period. It wasn’t going to be an easy road, I wasn’t promised that I would live happy everyday. Every choice has a consequence. A good choice has a consequence. I cannot make everybody happy, don’t want to, and I can’t.
I have to think for myself. I don’t want to talk negative about him, my feelings were positive for him, that’s all that counts. Whatever he thinks of me, felt or not felt, I felt for him, I loved him, that’s all I know.
But I also know that the choice I’ve made, even though I’m crying and sad, I know that eventually it is the right choice for me. Regardless of what he thinks. I had a dream before him, cannot abandon that, just for him. Sorry, I don’t mean to hurt his feelings, but my dream is something that I had since I was 3 years old, it’s something that fulfills me, that’s the commitment I’m willing to take. And yes, he wasn’t fulfilling me at that level, like my ambition does. I have to be honest. I din’t want to hurt his feelings, but perhaps my action of committing to my dream, my ambition over him, made him realize that he never will be my life. I love him, but he is not my life. God is and always be.
Actions speaks louder than words. He made the action of not giving me attention, of ignoring me, so I made my decisions, it surely wasn’t meant to be. I walked away and pray to God that I have the courage to not look back again, from this day onward.