Why wait? In the end what matters is that I’m trying

It’s all possible, I just have to find a way. There is a way. There’s always a way. It’s getting focus. Today I didn’t go to hip hop class. Instead I will go to yoga class tomorrow. It’s internal, going back to what I want, fulfilling myself, focusing on my desires, my development.

Who am I? There are times when I’m one with myself. And times when I neglect myself. My own personality. I can do much more than I think and it’s much more simple than I think it is. In Amsterdam 4.5 years ago, I had two jobs, I had a role and was touring, I was seeing someone, my ultimate goal was to go to America, to study acting and pursue my dream. I had family functions, I wrote.

Now it’s simple, just me and my dream.  But just because it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s less. Because it’s so simple, it’s easy to get distracted. The classes I take at La fitness should enhance my focus, not take away from my mission. 4.5 years ago my mission was to go to America, to pursue my dream. It was challenging at times, going in the unknown, saving money. I felt I was going into a dead end and my soul wasn’t growing. Now of course I appreciate everything, because now I know how blessed I am and what I had was beautiful. I’m again going into the unknown, taking the first steps. I learned how to live life.

I’m cooking myself, doing the groceries and focusing on getting my film on outlets such as Hulu and Netflix. Because I believe the film deserves that kind of recognition, exposure. It’s inspiring and it serves for educational content as well. There are movies out there, which gets maximum exposure, but I don’t necessarily like it. Sometimes the content is not appealing at all. Films are out there and flop, from major studio’s, like huntsmen. Just because they have the ‘contacts’ or ‘marketing budget’, doesn’t mean that that’s what we should see. I want to see girls that I can relate too, or inspiring stories, real characters. That’s why I dare to pitch it, I want it. Why wait?

Wait for what, for the right moment? Even with a lot of audience appeal, viewers, people might not like it. What matters is that I’m trying. I’m doing justice to the character of the film, which is based on true events. I’m giving a voice for those who can’t. Because I can, I’m contributing. And that’s truly what I want. Because I’m blessed that I do have everything, the most important thing in my life, my integrity, my self 🙂




Healthy and delicious organic green smoothie

Hi delicious sweet love,

Today I made my own smoothie, this time a green one. Very healthy and I love the taste. It’s soothing for my gums as well 😉

Ingredients are:

– 1 whole mango
-grapefruit (half)
-5 brazil nuts
-1 or 2 banana’s

Sometimes I do put more banana’s to offset the taste of kale, because I put a lot of kale 🙂

Grapefruit has a bitter taste, that’s why I put a whole mango, which really goes well with it. And when I don’t have mango, I just put more banana’s.

Enjoy sweetheart and have a great evening.

I just made some carrot cakes and I’m going to watch a nice bollywood movie, nighty night!

Much love, xxx ❤

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The only thing I can follow is you God, not someone else, just you.

I trust you God, in God I trust. The only thing I can follow is you God. Not someone else, just you. You know the answer God, you can see things where I can’t.

I don’t have to see the whole staircase, I am just taking the first step. Each step a time. I don’t see the whole staircase, but I trust that your path will lead me to where I am meant to be.

I am not looking back anymore. The past is gone and the future I can’t see. This is my present and you have put me here for a reason. I will listen and surrender. I surrender. I desperately wanted  that love, but being desperate, is not love. But trusting you God, letting go of everything else and just following my bliss, that’s where I get rest in my heart, that’s where I get trust, that’s how I gain confidence.  Amen.

How quickly can I let go?

How quickly can I let go? That was the question asked by the yoga instructor today at How power fusion class. I went there at 7pm till 8 pm. What a relief, all my anxiety went away. I was so anxious. I didn’t want to go initially, I didn’t feel like it. But I just listened to my intuition, not my mind. My mind was saying I can go another time, but my heart was saying go now. And I am glad I did. Even during the process I thought, it’s okay, it’s not effective. But I forgot of what an impact this class has. After this class I came home, I felt such at peace. Yoga is my sanctuary, I feel definitely more relax. Afterwards I feel more at rest. What a relief.

You are not the issue anymore. I can let go of you on the spot when I want to. Ever since I took responsibility of my life which was 1.5 years ago and put you on ‘hold’, I lived my life. I could spend my whole life going back and forth with you. After I just went on with my life, -and note I didn’t leave you, I never did, I just went on with my life and you happened not to catch up with me. – I changed from within and it’s visible from the inside out. I found myself.

I won’t stop loving you, but I love you by giving us space. For you, you need some time now to discover yourself. Because I know who I am, I know exactly who I am, inherently. I love who I am and I won’t let myself down anymore. I went on with my life and I truly hope you’re doing well and you’re happy. I am happy. We shared some beautiful time together. But I am adapting to change. Or rather I am accepting my destiny. I’m not changing it, I am following the path of my destiny.

I don’t feel and that’s where I exactly know that I am on the right track. When I feel, I sit with it. I used to go after feelings, but music is my gateway. Music brings me everywhere. Just listening to it. It brought me to you. I have a whole life ahead of me. Happiness is within me, love is within me. Take out all the anxiety, throw it away. I bring happiness to myself, I bring love and joy. It shows confidence by having fun by myself, enjoying myself. I make life special.

Have a beautiful night, look at the moon, see you boss, much love

How Eating lots of chocolate, going to bed too late, and not eating variety of foods, affected my gums

What a day it was on Monday. I completely put the trust in God today. I haven’t been to the dentin in 4.5 years. This was initially very scary. Because I had to find a reliable one. I found one close to my house, walking distance. It was necessary to go. Because my gums were inflamed. I felt it. What the dentist didn’t understand and I tried to explain it, but letting out a huge fact is, that within 6 months of time span, I only was eating chocolate. Just chocolate. When I found out about GMO food, I realized there wasn’t much to eat, this was roughly a year ago. I had to be aware bout highly pesticide food, which is in bell pepper, zucchini, tomatoes, just to name a few. Which is a lot. It wasn’t fun, because it was affecting my skin. I just didn’t know what to eat anymore and my sister was screaming for non-gmo food. My sister didn’t really cook something nice anymore, it was just carrots. No meat, since there was no 100 % grassfed meat. My sister was experiencing this more, a 100 % level more. I wanted to just keep going, real food or not, if I die, I die. Because I didn’t see any damage to my body at that time. But my sister was being persistent. I did join her.

Fast forward, within 6 months of time span there was more vegan restaurants, non gmo organic food accessible. I bought a cookbook which encouraged me to bake. I baked, no sugar added. And no more chocolate. I do eat salmon, shrimp and I love meat, but I eat lamb. Only lamb as meat.

I am from Amsterdam born and raised. My mom used to cook for me with variety. I ate everything. Because it was real food. Everything changed here.

Thankfully, the black stain and tartar between my teeth are removed and it’s clean now. My gums are now a little bit up because of that, but it will naturally grow back. With proper food and brushing my teeth on time. I just brushed my teeth 🙂

To keep my gums and teeth healthy I will start brushing my teeth at 10pm and stop eating by that time.

Whenever I come from work and I am super hungry, I make my own food. I used to just buy chocolate and eat that. Eat only that. That wasn’t affecting my skin. But it was effecting my teeth and gums.

I was working for my career and neglecting myself, my health. I didn’t value my it, I thought, it will be fine. Now I take responsibility and make good food at home. It does take time, it really does. But health is wealth and it shows that I do care now about myself, my body and my health.

Gums grow back, it really does. I just take it nice and easy, don’t floss in front of my teeth and it will be fine. There are no experts, listening to my own body  and taking huge responsibility for my self. No one will do it for me, just me, myself and I.

Following my dream is not an easy job, but nothing is ‘easy’. Everything takes time and work. It’s discipline to the highest form. Discipline to cook myself, clean my teeth properly and taking care of my business. Balancing it all of. It all takes work and time.

May time be with you or rather, take control of time. I’m putting myself on the map, again. Have a good night 😉



I’m glad I can share this journey with you, my sister

It was a very hot day yesterday, but nice. I wished my dad a very happy Father’s day. 🙂 We ordered back bean burger from Gracias Madre. Postmates delivery is free till 30th of June. I’m grateful that I’m sharing this journey with my sister. It was as if I ordered room service. Amazing. Delivery was very smooth and efficient and the vegan burgers was very nice. I wasn’t in the mood to go out for dinner. I’m grateful that I could order something nice, organic. I’m very health conscious. Good food makes the skin radiant. I put sauce on the side. In Amsterdam, we always had very simple and ‘dry’ food. Not too many sauces. Putting the sauce on the side, makes my skin clear, I’m doing this for a year now. Sauce, has thickeners and corn syrup, which my body doesn’t need.

Nevertheless, the burgers were still very delicious. Black bean patty was very tasty. It was awesome. But what makes this experience best, is that I can share it with my sister.

It’s very hot, so it’s nice to stay in. I didn’t have to deal with people. I went to the farmer’s market yesterday, early morning. Which was really nice. it wasn’t crowded at all.

I made my life so easy, so simple by following my intuition. By being kind to the people who matter to me the most.

I realize, little things in life, are actually the big things

It is a new life. A whole new life for me. Making a home in Los Angeles. It actually has become my home. I looked up at the sky, night blue. I used to look up to the same sky back in Amsterdam. I thought when is my destiny going to change, when can I lie my dream on a day to day basis. When can I be someone and make a difference. Those were precious time, which I though was a waste of time. I was living life.

Those little things, I realize now, they were the big things. I had my whole family there, mom and dad, we were going often to my grandma’s place, temple, celebrating all birthday parties, playing outside with my cousins, having dinner at fancy places. And I thought at that time that I was wasting my time. I wasn’t. That is life, real life.

I’m building a life here. and I’m very blessed that both of my parents are present in my life. They are coming by the end of September for three wees. Together with my grandma. I am very happy that they are coming here from Amsterdam to Los Angeles, to visit us. I haven’t seen them physically for nearly a year. My parents are very important.

Travel is the best excuse to enjoy the grand things in life. Happy Monday ❤

Vegan Organic Carrot Kale turmeric soup with delicious self made apricot chutney

Good Afternoon my delicious sweet cakes,

There was a time when cooking was my enemy. I didn’t like it, mainly because I thought it was a thief of my time. It takes time to cook. My parents would cook for me or I would dine in or order something. But coming to America, I realized that there are a lot of ingredients which are put in dishes, that I don’t need. Butter, sugar, corn syrup, any ‘starches’, artificial flavors. I just want real, healthy and good food, which makes my body beautiful from the inside out. I took charge, I started with baking. Baking didn’t feel like cooking and now I found at some cookbooks or online simple recipes, to make a healthy dish. Above all is should be SIMPLE. That’s what this soup is, it’s simple. Because it’s simple, I don’t look at time. With prepping and cooking, it takes around 40 minutes.

It’s therapy for my mind, being present, focusing on making something, creating something. Lately I fell in love with adding self made apricot chutney. It’s nice on it’s own or just with brown rice.

Ingredients for carrot kale turmeric soup (all ingredients are organic):

  • 2 cups grated carrots
  • 2 cups kale
  • 2 cups water (subject to taste, it depends if you like it smooth or still would like to bite small pieces)
  • 1.5 onions
  • 4 or 5 garlic cloves
  • half teaspoon or one teaspoon turmeric. It’s subject to taste. I love the taste, so I put a little bit more.
  • 1 cup organic brown rice
  • Sprinkle salt (I do it by intuition)
  • 1 orange (pressed juice)

Apricot Chutney:

  • 4 apricots
  • 1 large onion
  • 4 garlic cloves
  • half, or one teaspoon turmeric

First I put 1 cup brown rice in my rice cooker. That takes a while, so that’s taken care of 😉

I grated the carrots in my NutriBullet blender. Then I mixed it with kale and water. I don’t like to add too much, just enough to blend it. I like it when it’s mushy. I created my own vegetable stock 😉 And I put this in a deep pan and warm it, with the lid on top of the pan.

Then I cut 1.5 large onions in small pieces. And cut the garlic cloves. I saute it in another pan, with olive oil. All on medium heat. After a minute or two, I put some turmeric in it, for a nice flavor, which makes the onions a little bit yellow. Love the spices!  Then I cut 4 apricots in half. And after again a few minutes I put my organic apricots in the pan. And I let it simmer on low heat for 6 to 7  minutes, until it starts to melt a little bit, so a sauce texture is created.

I put the apricots chutney with the onions on a separate plate. I only take the apricots with a little bit of onions attached. The rest I put in the soup.

I blend the rest of the onions with the sauce that came from the apricots in the soup and stir it well. And cut a whole orange. And press the juice in the soup. I love the taste. I let it simmer for another few minutes.

The brown rice is usually done by the time the soup is ready. I put the brown rice in the bowl and then put the soup and put the apricot chutney on top. Voila, I’ve got my delicious soup ready.

Happy Saturday!

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Where is my time? My own time. Where is it?

Why am I running so hard. What Am I doing. Why am I racing against the clock. What’s wrong? Why am I bothered so much. What a rush, rush, rush. Can I breath, Can I? Can I allow myself to breath?

I am so hard on myself. So hard. It’s sad. It really is. Peace, that’s what I have, why am I disrupting this again. It doesn’t matter what I do, everything feels like a rush, where is my time? My own time.

Where is it?

Being present, not thinking ahead.

Standing up for my rights, results into a gift

Good Morning my sweet potato pies!

Happy Wednesday, I must say that initially it is scary for me to stand up for my rights. But there comes a point, that I don’t want to be messed with. Because I am honest and I have integrity and I am kind, it should not be treated as a weakness. It should rather be put in to use, in good use.

The thing is money inherently is just paper, the value of paper is in abundance. We can just print more ‘paper’ money. Money comes and goes, I’ve seen it. I’ve had a lot and there was a time that I had nothing. In a job, or restaurant, I can be cheated without knowing.

Luckily for me, I have a guardian angel, who tells me that I am being cheated. And at times, it is right in front of me that they are saying they want to cut the money, this was at my previous job, audience work. I had enough of this cutting money, and not getting what was rightfully mine, because one time they went too far. Really too far. So finally it was time to say something and I did, I told the producer, who actually hires this company. But ofcourse the extra company banned me. Or actually I stopped working for them. Anyway, it’s a true blessing, because I am not walking in rounds.

There are times when I don’t trust the restaurant, or things anymore, and then everything works truthfully. But there are times, when I completely give them trust and I’m being conned, without knowing! A restaurant deliberately (because they confessed) switched lamb burgers with beef!! And when we got them, they rather paid us in money, than giving us free lamb burgers! That’s where I realized that seriously, when there scarce on food or things, no money can safe you. Because it’s not there. That’s why the value of money, inherently is not everything. It’s just paper. I will cry if someone throws away a lamb burger. But money, it comes and goes. So, I have nothing too lose.

I needed that job at the time, but I can’t be desperate. I truly needed that job and the money, I had a lot too lose if would thing about it. But honestly in my mind, I had nothing too lose. I am honest, kind and respectful, I know that I could find another way, a better way. I did stand up for my rights and after that I got blessed with the fact that my father could support me again. I didn’t ask for it, it ‘just’ happened. Now I can completely focus on my production company, and my dreams. Dare to stand up for your rights, it results in a beautiful gift, the gift of receiving blessings, forever and to infinity.