Energy

Good afternoon dear ones,

I woke up and did an 18 minute- morning exercise. It opened me up and gave me energy. I realized that I have to do that every morning, since I can say to myself: ‘Whatever happens on this day, I’ll do my best. And if it doesn’t go my way, it is fine. I accept and therefore let go.’

It seems so simple, almost too simple that I often think, I can skip one day. When I skip a day, I am out of balance. I suddenly become again result oriented. The morning mantra is essential for me, since it is reassuring me that it is okay, if it doesn’t go my way, as long as I am doing my best and try, that is good enough.

Also, it is imperative to talk to people who think the same way. Surrounding myself with positive people who understand the deeper meaning of life. The meaning is very simple and that is why ironically for some people challenging to grasp. It used to be difficult for me to understand life, but now I understand it more and more. The present is slowly becoming more exciting than ever. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery, I only have this valuable time in the moment. That my friend is the best time ever.

Every thought has it’s own frequency.  I’ve read and heard that so many times, but I didn’t quite understand it, until now. Every time I talked to a certain person, friend, relative member, somehow, I felt that I had to prove something, I am not good enough, I have an unrealistic thinking etc. But when I talked or watched people who were where I want to be, who achieved greater success, they had the same thinking. The more my thoughts are positive and thinking progressively, the more I feel alive. The more I think or talk about a certain person, that person will become my focus of attention and I become less interesting for myself. Because I constantly think the other has it better. In fact, I am therefore depleting my energy.

Like I said before, I have to make my life interesting. It doesn’t matter what the other person, or other people are doing, as long as I’m doing what I want to do. Making my life interesting again, important again, appreciating it, so I make my present and my future secure. Putting energy into myself and into the things that I would like to get, that is the most rewarding think I could do for myself.

The more I put energy into something, the more I get from that. So let me use it wisely. 😉

Work smart, not hard,

Cheers!

Life’s little secret

Hi dear ones,

Life is beautiful, so beautiful. But how did I suddenly get this positive thought after leaving the house disappointed and lonely. I felt so lonely in the morning, since I had no one with me to have lunch with. My sister didn’t want to. However, I did want to go.

I had to accept that this journey is still a one men’s journey. We came alone and die alone. However, if you accept things in life, and in consequence you let go and appreciate yourself and celebrate your company, life will give what you like.

I took the step to eat alone, enjoy alone and eventually my sister came to join me. It is only because I accepted the situation, it is only because I wasn’t desperate for anybody’s company. I had accepted the fact that in order to have a nice day, I have to enjoy my own company. I always have to appreciate my own company, regardless of any circumstance.

This is just a challenge, building something on my own. Getting a huge car, house, luxurious holiday’s, is child’s play. But getting to your true essence, following your dream, contributing to the society, making yourself worthy, giving unconditional love, that my friend is a challenge.

Lucky for me, I love challenges. I took this challenge, the challenge of appreciation. Regardless of what I have, what I will achieve, big or small, I always would like to appreciate the little things in life.

Today I  had lunch at the Beverly Hills hotel and went to Memorial Park in Beverly hills. I am surroundig myself where I want to be, a positive, uplifting and beautiful environment. The park, nature is beautiful, my thoughts were cleared. And that’s where I got my positive thought. Life is beautiful, but only because I worked for it. I didn’t stay at home and felt sorry for my self that I don’t have x, y,z. In stead, I took action, appreciated this life,gave myself a nice day. No one else did it, just me.

It will always be like that and that is good, that’s how I become independent. Know how to enjoy myself.

Afterall, we don’t get what we want, we get what we work for. 😉

Remember

I remember now, the vow I took. But I wanted things so fast, that I delayed my purpose. I sacrificed my love for the great or good. I forgot. But I will meet him again.

To get the ideal partner, I have to be ideal first, make myself worthy, love myself.

Love is giving. When you can’t be with that person, but you let that person go and let the person live his life.

I won’t go into a relationship the way I did previously. I will always have myself, a sense of myself. Stay grounded and staying close to myself.

True Enthusiasm comes from within. Joy is in me, it always has and always will, I have to trigger that myself.

Role model

Hi Sweethearts,

In the morning I went to church and it was very nice and fulfilling. I wore a nice skirt with a red blouse. I did my best regarding looking great today. It felt nice 🙂 It’s nice to dress up just for myself.

A child in the store stopped and kept looking at me. With a beautiful smile, she looked at me as if I was her role model. That was very nice and I appreciate it. I only got that look from a child 5 years ago and in my early years when I was 10 and  younger.

It’s a good sign. I am getting closer to myself. It was and is a beautiful experience to be a role model. I might not feel it, but as an artist it’s not for me to feel, as an artist I have to leave the feeling to the audience.

I might feel ‘alone’ since I don’t have a partner, the kind of partner to give physical affection. But I do have a loving family, sister and friends at the church. But when they all are doing something, that’s where I have to entertain myself. I just have to accept that and stay out of trouble 🙂 it’s a calm christmas, but nice and cozy with myself and God.

As long as I keep working at myself, it’s nice to lift people up with my energy, unconsciously or consciously. Because there is someone looking at me, children and God. He is the judge. He knows what’s best for me. I have to trust.

I trust you, God.

Merry Christmas and at 8pm, I’ll be watching into the woods at El Capitan! Excited! We’ll see how it goes 😉

Lots of love

I love Challenges

Hi my munchkins,

Merry Christmas!! Woohoo!! Wow I’ve eaten a lot. Right now I am at Loews hotel, having a power breakfast. Yummy, but I’ve eaten so much that my head hurts. It’s okay, what a breakfast. I love buffets!

I have challenged myself to not look at social media: whatsapp, facebook, twitter and instagram, at least for a week. So far so good. I started yesterday and I am definitely more present. I’m not in the past or in the future, I’m here in the now. It’s nice, no comparison.

I’ve nothing planned specific for this day, it really doesn’t matter. Whatever I have or will do, I will take it as it comes. Letting the control go. Well, I’m trying 😉

Enjoy this moment, that’s my challenge!

Small moments of Happiness

Always enjoy the little moments in life. Because as you move on in life, acquire more things, achieve more, you will look back in the past and realize that those small moments were happiness. Whatever I have right now, I try to enjoy it, I want to enjoy it, these small moments of happiness will become my future. Happiness is my present and future. But I have to practice it, by enjoying this moment. Regardless of what I have or what I don’t have, I appreciate this moment.

Stay blessed. Merry Christmas

The Past

Hi Dear ones,

I talked to my Dad yesterday and I saw my future. He’s was still holding on to the past. The same way I was thinking the past couple of years.

Past and other people are 2 things which are out of my control. Every thought about the past will not create any results. It’s a complete waste of time, thinking about the past. The past is gone. The more I think about things which are not in my control, I feel more out of control.

Why does history repeats itself? Everytime when I talk about the past, my thoughts about the past are in my head, which is now in the present. Which is present, will become the future. If I clean off the past thoughts, it will never repeat it self.

History repeats itself, inside, in our minds. Everytime when I’m repeating my past in my mind, I am creating it.

I can learn from the past, from my past mistakes. But it is of no value, to think about why did that person hurt me, he was so mean etc. It’s about what can I learn from it, so that I won’t get hurt again. It’s about the I. I don’t wan’t to carry on my past. It’s over. I can only learn from it, so that it won’t repeat itself.

I want stillness of the mind. Not wasting my energy. When is it going to happen, How is it going to happen, Will it happen. Those thoughts are all wasting my energy. My mind is naturally stable, but with these thoughts it is fluctuating.

It takes work to understand this, everyday I can start with a fresh day, feeding myself fresh thoughts: ‘I’m going to do my best today, if it works it works, if it doesn’t than it doesn’t. At least I have tried.’

I want to be free, think positively and celebrate life, be in the present. That’s all I have.

Have a very present Merry Christmas. Enjoy it, celebrate it. We only have one life, that’s it.

Love you all.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Back to who I was

There was a time I felt so beautiful, I felt so good about myself. I did everything without expectations, without waiting for results. There was a time when I was my own best friend. I used to love myself.

Then highschool knocked my true self out. I was caring too much about other people’s thinking. I became aware of my ‘good’ results, wanted to keep up with it. I didn’t do what I loved, I was suddenly working ‘hard’. I hung out with jealous or popular people, I wanted to belong their, just be popular, the best. Results was the only thing I was looking out for.

Just for one year when I was far away from those people, I had a peaceful life, my  university year. Just for once I was free again from all the results. I was again happy with myself.

Now I am here in Los Angeles. Again I’m result oriented. If I had love, a boyfriend, I could balance it. That’s what I thought for more than 10 years. I do miss the idea. I want to be happy and content again.

i don’t like the reality. In reality I have to work. In my dreamworld I can be free, be with the person I want to be, just love, don’t care about others, receiving everything.

oh God, I am back to my old thinking

Trying too hard

I want to go and hurt myself, sabotage my work, give up, leave, scream, pull off my hair. I’m so sorry, I guess I failed to be positive. I failed to contribute something. I failed. I will never hear it for once that I was good. My whole life I was criticized for my looks, for my hair, my hair is ugly, I’m not good enough. It’s never good enough. This industry is all about looks. I’m trying so hard. Maybe I’m trying too hard.

Still I don’t want to give up, but it just doesn’t work. I hate this feeling. I feel awful, I want to give up on life. I only feel sorrow, death and hurt. I hate this. I simply hate this awful feeling. I’m trying so hard. SO HARD.

Nothing works.

I’m so sorry, I think I have to take a break. No friends, no social life, just working, working, working. I am only working. Everything is work. Even reading a book, takes work. Oh God, I’m trying too hard. I’m trying too hard.

Scared

I am so scared, so immensely scared. I am scared that people will judge me, when they see me acting, I am scared that people will think I am a horrible actress, I’ve made an absolutely ridiculous comedy short film.

But what’s my alternative? I have to put this short film on Youtube, so I can get to the next step. Good or bad, I have to do it. Oh God, I am so scared. I am not a bad actress, but perhaps the cinematography, or writing is not that great. It might be awful. I won’t know, until I put it out there.

11 years ago, I went to an open podium and I danced. The majority loved it. But a couple of people were judging me. I couldn’t handle it and I stopped. I didn’t persevere performing arts anymore. I stopped. Then after 5 years again, I again picked it up. And now I am here in Los Angeles, working as an actress. It did hurt me when I stopped it, just because of some judgmental people. Other people I knew who were studying with me, continued and now they are at a very high level.

Everybody is going through the same thing. I am deadly scared, but I have to do it. I really have to take this step and let go. At least I have my family; my parents and my sister who always have my back. It’s just other people’s thoughts and words. Which is air. It’s just air, nothing else.

Oh God, give me the courage to follow my dream, to actually make it happen and to release my inner passion.

There is nothing else I want to do other than following my dream.

I hope I can do this. I really hope I can handle it.