I’m meeting my parents after two years, I’ve grown, can we relate?

Good Evening my sweet baby’s,

I haven’t seen my parents for two years, physically. I’ll meet them tomorrow. Maybe I’m making it too special. I don’t know. Yes I’ve talked over the phone, but that is not the same, trust me. Also that keeps me away from my present moment. I don’t like talking over the phone, that’s something I’m working on. My dad wants to, but sorry I can’t, I blocked him :p  I love my dad and he can be really funny and an amazing human being, but he chooses and when he doesn’t chose to have that funny demeanor, well he’s a complaining machine. Talking about paying tax, paying this, paying that. I thought that I was the only one, but my friend from Holland has the same experience with her dad. So it’s okay, I accept.

My mom is a different story, on the phone, it’s hard, 5 minutes is okay, but longer, we get both frustrated on the smallest things. I’ve grown, I don’t mind, but the phone is frustrating machine, it’s just not working for me.

I’m overseas, I feel a huge difference. I was judging myself for actually wanting to live my own life. I am creating on a daily basis, I do what I love, so I am living a different lifestyle. I love my present, I love Los Angeles.

They are coming tomorrow, together with my grandma. Within two years I’ve grown significantly. I don’t know what my equation with them will be. I seriously don’t know. I hope my mom will let me be as I am. But I’ve realized I have to accept them both as they are and give my love to them. They have given me a lot, I’m very blessed with my parents. But I have to be honest, there is a distance. But that’s okay, I don’t feel. I don’t even feel in my art, when I act, I don’t feel. The only time I feel is when I listen to music or when I dance, other than that, there are glimpse of moments when I truly feel, that’s it.

I don’t know what to expect, all I know is that both of my parents have given me the world, we are going to have a holiday, recharge for three weeks, going to Hawaii and Las Vegas.

They haven’t seen the apartment I’m in, that will be a cute surprise. It is a very cozy, beautiful sweet apartment. I am happy with this apartment, there is a lot of harmony in this apartment.❤

All I can do is give love, have an understanding and accept them as they are. I know that I have grown and have become myself, like I used to be when I was around 9. Creating, loving, focusing on myself. I hope I can accept what I cannot change and give love, unconditionally.

I seriously don’t know what to expect. Little bit scared, but it’s okay. We’ll see how it goes, this is life😉

I live my life regardless of the result, with or without, I can only do my best. Live life, experience it. Listen and observe🙂

Don’t forget the bigger picture, remember it, THINK BIG

Good Evening lovely ones,

I always ask myself the question what I would do if all the goals were met, all tasks were done. What would I do? Today I went hiking at Runyon canyon, all the way to the top. That’s what I would do, which I did. With or without results, that has grounded me. Acceptance if it doesn’t go my way, stop being dependent. No matter what, I can focus on my things.

I do what is right and I can go two directions, the right one, or the wrong one. When I did go to the wrong one, I saw that I had to recover double the amount of time, then when I just go to the right direction and get higher and higher. I was rebellious 2 years ago, I went the other way, going against my destiny, trying to be someone else, dating multiple guys, not facing my fears, my responsibility. It’s okay, I’m fine with that, because 2 years ago I realized there is more to life.

I recovered fast, I immediately took charge of my own destiny, shook hands with it and now I am living the dream. I am happy internally. I accept the things that I cannot change and I am grateful for the things that are given to me, I play with my cards. I love discovering myself, having a healthy relationship with myself, putting health first, investing quality time with my best friend which is my sister, being in harmony with myself.

All the other things are secondary. Think big, that’s what I remember when I hike to the top at Runyon Canyon. I love hiking by myself, I embrace it. I observed that actually everyone out there loves it, it’s great when you put trust in God and not in a human, which has flaws by nature.

Hiking to the top, being in nature is a reminder of this:

Don’t forget the bigger picture. Remember it, THINK BIG! Keep that in mind

It’s a constant and daily reminder. Seriously, it’s like brushing my teeth. I have to remind myself to think big and not get caught in to the little things. If got an e-mail that I will get something, I shouldn’t wait, I should continue to work. Not waiting for things, but making it happen. Thinking BIG.

So many beautiful things I learn from Nature, oehh, thank you, love it. Taught by the best, nature it self! Thank you!❤

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When I think ‘oh what do I have to lose, why not?’, I’ve got EVERYTHING to lose.

Hi sweethearts,

God, what a day. When I didn’t have my production company and no financial income, I use to do audience work in the beginning to generate income. In the beginning I met friends, I learned a lot, it was a lot of fun. With every beginning there comes an end. 5 months ago, due to injustice, I stood up for myself, that door had been closed.

However today when I got the offer to do it, I thought well why not? I am going on a holiday next week, it would be nice to have some extra cash. Well people, I mean I thought I had nothing to lose, I have time, why not right?

I was WRONG and every time when that thought crosses ‘What do I have to lose’, I eventually have EVERYTHING to lose.

That experience was horrific, like Auschwitz, I haven’t experienced this on such a high level with this work before. It was extremely cold and the staff were so stressed, pushing, screaming, I wasn’t allowed to go outside. I went to the back, to go up, and there were bars, I mean hello, it looked like jail, it felt like jail, in my mind it was jail. This is definitely not what I expected and this was not my intention.

When God closes a door, God closes it for a reason. Because this work stops my productivity. There is a life out there beyond this and the way I have been treated, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER do this work again. I DESERVE to go HIGHER IN LIFE. I have done it in the beginning, it didn’t bother me, since I didn’t know better, but now I do have a full running business. And I have to trust that it will flourish in time, step by step.

This valuable time can be used for my dream, my mission, not for something I am not passionate about. I could have stood up for myself and tell the staff that I am extremely disappointed and will never come back, but I didn’t. I was judging myself, by not doing so.

But intuitively I know, that they didn’t do it on purpose, it was the nature of this and it was a lesson to be learned for me, to NEVER walk this path again. It’s like, I have to work for my passion, to not touch the ground and just go higher in life.

I have a commitment with God first and by doing this again, I am neglecting God in this way. This doesn’t fit me anymore. Apparently there are so many things for me, that I obviously cannot see, but I have to TRUST that it will happen, something BIG is about to happen for me, I just have to TRUST, I just have TRUST completely.

It seems so easy, I can slip in so easy, I can get persuaded so easily, but God closed it for a reason, and I’m trying to change it and not trusting God for his decision. Today I found out. It was like death, cold was getting to me. But now fresh chilliness, this was artificial horrible torture chills.

I have a life, where everyday I can work towards my dreams. I mean I am living the dream, I truly am, the fact that I can do what I want to do on a day to day basis, is living the dream. If this was my last day, I would completely focus on my production company and after this experience there is NO TURNING BACK.

Because certain environments and jobs make me fearful, gives me anxiety, doesn’t make me composed at all.

I haven’t hiked for a while and I always said, that whenever I have accomplished what I wanted, or am the producer, I will hike regularly. When I wasn’t a producer, I hiked, when I didn’t have anything I hiked, so why not. The doors are open again, I focus on my health, which is wealth. I choose God, I choose to Trust you God. I don’t see it, you are seeing it.

This precious time, I could have invested in my dream. This stopped my productivity, NEVER AGAIN.

I’m done. Period. Only higher, I deserve it, I see that now, I am a kind, grateful human being, thank you God for giving me this insight. Thank you, God Bless. See the bigger picture.

Going for my career I went from Europe to USA, in the process I forgot what it’s like to have a loving mother.

I talk to my dad often and my relationship has improved after going abroad. I appreciated and understood my dad more. With my mother, I started to become more distant. We couldn’t relate to each other anymore. And slowly I forgot what it’s like to have a mother who loves me. I realized it today. She is going to visit me next week, with my dad and grandma.

She saved money for two years, to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t forgotten us and would love to come to us, for us. She wants to see us. I couldn’t actually believe it, that she would invest all her time, money and energy into visiting me. Yes I am her child, but somehow, doing the work here, I forgot what I actually left behind. I moved on, I am moving forward and my mother would like to move forward with us.

The relationship over the phone is frankly speaking nothing, it’s just wasting my energy, it’s nothing compared to seeing her in real life. Any relationship over the phone for me is now basically pointless. I rather see the person. Because it’s different over the phone and in real life. You cannot feel the energy, feel the person, their warmth and love, that cannot be measured with how many phone calls I make.

Yet I talk a lot over the phone with my mother, but I have realized today that it’s nothing, it has no value, not for me. I work toward being together, that takes time and that is a sacrifice I made. That’s okay, it is worth it. But I have to meditate and trust that we meet again and the relationship is as strong when we meet again, not because I called my parents a lot. I don’t like to talk and I’m talking too much in life.

That’s why I wanted to live on my own, make my own mistakes, live, experience. My love is measured in doing, not in talking. I appreciate that vice verse. Period.

I am working towards that. My mom is coming for me, I forgot what it felt like that someone could love me that much, unconditionally. A mother. I am slowly gaining respect again for motherhood. I just forgot. It’s the Peter Pan syndrome, care free mentality. That’s who I am inherently.🙂 A good thing, but with every positive comes a negative.

But that’s okay, I am blessed, I am grateful for that. Have a beautiful night.❤

 

By doing the illogical things, I get the job done

Hi dear ones,

I was at home and had to work on my articles in regards of promoting my short film. I wanted to get everything done today, I’m a bit behind and next week my parents are visiting me after 2 years and my grandma after 5 years. So it was absolutely needed that I would finish writing my articles this week.

My mind said, to just order food at home and not go outside, so I get the job done. However I’m working tomorrow and somehow, I know that I should do the quite opposite of what my mind is telling me. It’s ‘logical’ to stay at home and finish things, but it’s illogical to go outside, get my sandwich, have a nice walk and get some fresh air. And of course get plenty of bottled water. (I was running out.)

Let me tell you something, I am so happy that I went outside! Oh my god, what a refreshing day, what a beautiful day. It was chilly though, but I liked it. I was wearing my warm coat, and I could smell the fresh air. I loved it. It gave me perspective in life. This is what I’m doing it for.

Why did I choose this journey in the first place? To get out of the routine and experience life, experience nature. Embrace life on a day to day basis. Embrace and enjoy. Indulge.

Life doesn’t go exactly how I want it to be, but I’m glad it doesn’t. It goes better than I could have ever imagined. It goes exactly how it should be. It’s not first ‘having’ it, it’s doing the things, the actions of already having it. I’m already living the life I want to live.❤  It is not attached to circumstances, regardless, I do what’s illogical, putting faith in to action. That’s what I know for sure.🙂

quality time with my sister at DTLA fashion district

After quite some time, I think a year, me and my sister actually went out shopping at DTLA for ourselves. This time not as a business expense, but for us. I honestly went there because my sister wanted to make a dress for herself. She already made one for me. We took the metro and walked from there to fashion district. It was a beautiful walk, we walked on hope street at DTLA.

WOW! After living for 5 years in Los Angeles, I must say, DTLA has changed significantly. It was disgusting and felt not really safe to walk through DTLA 5 years ago, but now it has such a nice atmosphere.

Since we are going for a holiday in less than two weeks, we bought some nice backpacks and pants. It was so nice after such a long time to indulge and buy something for ourselves. I did feel initially a bit of, oeh, I’m spending. But these items were sold fast and I’ve done it in the past that I would wait until I’m ‘loaded’ with money and all the items were gone, as soon as I had money. So I’m definitely not going to do that anymore. If I see something and I know I can’t get it later, I’ll buy it.

The sun was shining beautifully. And after that we ate a nice sandwich.

Before this day, it was just horrible and this was really nice. I could savor it. A nice lovely day and quality time with my sister. It’s nice to go outside.

Loved it❤

When all goals are met, it’s now about sailing the boat

Well, after receiving back to back amazing news regarding my film and therefore making my production company official, I was at a very happy state. All goals were met, so it is just a matter of sailing the boat.

Yes, happy, of course the results doesn’t define me, good or bad, but when goals are met, it feels satisfactory, my heart made a jump, out of pure joy and happiness.

However, who said that I won’t get wind. Today, I received some wind, got a headache, and I was again going to the point of, oeff, can I just not deal with this, just quit.

Here’s the thing that I have to keep in mind, it was that easy, anybody could do it. And yes anybody can do it, but to remain calm and composed regardless of unforeseen wind coming your way, is a challenge. It definitely is.

After working on meeting my goals and of course enjoying the ride as well, -otherwise the goals that were met, I would have been too desperate for it if I wasn’t enjoying the ride-, I finally will go to holiday, in 2 weeks together with my parents, grandma and sister.

When things come my way and shake my boat that finally has a foundation, I tend to focus on in essential things. Yes nitty gritty tasks need to be done, but I have a life, there is a life out there beyond tasks and I have to focus on what I want. Because these stupid tasks, especially what happened today of standing up for my rights, because my sister hasn’t received her tax refund check yet, since it was stolen, that can take over my happiness. I don’t want that. I do my best and that’s all I can do. But cannot devote my entire day, life to these tasks.

The beautiful things that I have received from God, that’s what I want to focus on. I am the duck, composed on the surface and peddling under neath. Sailing the boat and balancing it out. It was a shitty day in the morning, but I truly have to understand that these things are inevitable, but it should not block me from being in a happiness state and being calm and composed.

I was already there, I can finally see success, the tip of the iceberg, but the rest has always been perseverance, patience, focus.

Big hug to you, we all can do it, we’re in this together🙂

 

 

I love nature which loves unconditionally

Good evening my beautiful lights,

Yesterday I went outside to record a promotion video for our project. And the location was at a park, next to a school. There were beautiful palm trees and other trees. I felt so in peace and it reminded me of Amsterdam. Nature. I inhaled all the fresh oxygen that comes from nature.

I am worthy and results doesn’t define me, I am already a worthy human being. Rain falls on everyone, there is no judgement there, that it only falls on ‘worthy’ people, it falls on everyone. No matter what that person has done, there is no judgement. There are trees, water, so many things, all for human kind, for everyone.

If nature is not asking me what I have done and accomplished in life and is giving unconditionally, then why should I give myself conditions. 

I am waking up with the notion to love myself unconditionally. I am worthy because I am human, a very kind human being. And I should appreciate myself for it.

And by going into nature, looking at it, taking the moment to feel one with nature, I am being grateful to what God has given me. Yes, I keep creating, but honestly all my goals are met and it’s just sailing the boat, continue to create and loving nature and therefore myself.

Have a beautiful evening, much love

A beautiful night at Hollywood Bowl

Wow, magic, my life turned out exactly as I envisioned, actually better. God knew. Every experience, gave me a nuance, that I put in my art. It pushed me in the right direction. Yesterday, I went to the Hollywood bowl to listen to John Williams, a legend. It was absolutely beautiful.

There is no other place in the world where I could experience this, film lovers, a unity of creative people.I love you America. The national anthem was played. Very grateful, God bless America. You lift me up, you welcomed me gracefully, with warmheartedly. God I surrender to your masterplan. It’s you and me.

My intention is to connect and give. Give a beautiful experience to you the audience.

I have peace, inner peace. Peace of mind, that’s all I wanted. Music brings me everywhere, it gives me everything, I loved it. I am in love with you Los Angeles, ever since I came here, thank you. I am where I meant to be and keep walking the path that God has made for me.