I have tried to run like a horse, so badly, I wanted to be on the top very fast, but God gave me another power, the power of longevity, I am the camel

Patience is a virtue. I have tried to be a horse, I wanted to win the race, be on the top. Everybody else ‘seemed’ to have it right away, very quick success. Living here in Los Angeles, I understood the true meaning of success. It definitely doesn’t come right away. Once can debate about the journey whether it is easy or challenging, to each it’s own. But I thought after time went by I should win all the awards for my film, since I have improved my craft. I am definitely seeing a lot of progress. 1.5 years ago my aim was to be selected for a film festival, to be nominated and this year my aim was to win. My second film has been selected for several film festivals, which I am really proud of, we have covered press interviews, articles, I am definitely hitting my target and great things are happening, more than I could imagine. I am going for art, me and my sister. It is a noble job, the films are regarding an important theme, a social issue/ political etc. With our hint of optimism. That is working well and resonating with the audience. When I am writing things down on paper, it sounds actually great, I am on the right track. I just wanted to get faster results, immediate results. Rushing through life, to get the price, not paying attention to the surroundings. Not paying attention to humanity, but that is not how it works.

Time and time again God pushes me to take care of humanity, of my health, of my relationship with my parents, my sister, with me. to live life, live a fulfilled life. I have been living a balanced life for quite some time now, but as time went by, I found it again too slow. I have fought for the horse power, but that is not me. It took years to accept which power is mine. Everybody is different, everybody’s time is different. I don’t want to compete, I am running my own race. It’s not about how fast you can get there, it’s how long you can stay.

And to those who want to compete with me, remember one thing:

You can run like a horse and I walk like a camel, but I’ll beat you with longevity.

 

 

I didn’t see the point of life anymore, until God showed me

Hi sweethearts,

What a week, honestly, I felt at the end a bit defeated. I went to Santa Monica Beach on Monday which was very nice, some children sold some home made lemonade, I was walking with my sister on the boulevard, I saw the beautiful ocean, we ate some delicious lamb burgers. It was real authentic lamb. Everything felt right and in place. I felt great over there, I felt at peace. Probably because there was fresh air, less crowded. The dentist actually gave me the idea to go to the beach. He said: ‘You’re not going to the beach?’ And I said: Noooo. But internally I was saying, should I?

I was so worried about my teeth, about making my next film, the schedule, budget etc. I just wanted to safe money for the equipment, safe for the holiday, I just forgot about doing something spontaneous, being in the moment. That’s why I loved having a ‘boyfriend’, like this dentist, he came up with this randomly, it just made it light. It made life light, this is what it is about, not those frivolous things. Yes, I went to the beach, my sister thought it was a great idea, and we went, spontaneously.

We took a lyft to go to Amorino Gelato Ice cream store in Beverly Hills. That was not a nice experience, for the first time, the lyft driver was rude, she was a female and was not making a great name as a female driver. She had her own experience going on with someone else and pushed in on us. To make keep it short, it got to me.

The whole week, was a back to back, setback. Relatives being rude to us, agent not liking me for no apparent reason, all being not nice to me, for the fact that I was nice? Anyway, I went on with my life, but then I started to worry about my teeth, because there was a brown stain, which wasn’t removed, I forgot to ask. However, my gums are growing back, my teeth and gums are healthy. I saw a blessing and then reality was hitting me, I had to deal with people, day to day quarrels, it all wasn’t serving me to the point that I seriously was thinking yesterday evening, what is the reason of life, why am I here, because this is too much. I came from a very peaceful environment in Amsterdam, lived next to a beautiful river and boom got here in Hollywood, the city. Which was amazing at first, but now it’s too hectic for me. Then I just wanted to succeed, everybody is on top of the world, where am I? Will I ever reach where I want to reach? Have I reached it? I just wanted to give up.

Until I received a dream. There is something left, there is. See this is the thing, whether I come from a poor village or a rich village, once we are where we are, how do you maintain the level of happiness. It’s constant appreciation, reminding myself, where I came from. This is my story, this is my life. And I have a choice. I am complaining too much, I worry too much. What will happen will happen, so what is my problem? Do I have to have a ‘romantic acquisition’ to feel it? To numb this worrisome, in that way I am making myself dependable. No. I should allow myself to enjoy and be spontaneous, being in the moment. I don’t have an answer of how I will do everything, but I didn’t know that either, 4.5 years ago. I have to trust and this trust gives me happiness, content. I am more than enough, I am celebration of life, I am joy. I have seen it now, that with or without the achievements, life is still the same, there are going to be problems. But problems are meant to be solved and I don’t have to swim in it. I want to see things on a more positive note, that I am blessed with everything. Everything else works out anyway. Let me just enjoy life. Let me allow myself to enjoy it. Step by step, baby steps. It’s a task, it’s a challenge, but God, you are with me, you have my back and I thank you for it. Good things are happening. I have to work for it, it doesn’t happen magically, I create it. Amen

Kill them with kindness

I am grateful to my parents for giving me this beautiful opportunity to live my life on my own terms and follow my dream. And to those who tried to put me down; Yes, I cried myself to sleep, I reacted on those who loved me the most. I was being pushed to the edge, I fell, but I swam. I took charge, I swam all the way to the other side of the world, across the ocean, you’e pushed me towards greatness. I cried, it hurts, you took my kindness for weakness, but make no mistake silence is the ultimate weapon of power. It speaks louder than words.

I am on a magnificent journey, Los Angeles has been the best decision of my life. Money comes and goes, it is important, but love and compassion are necessities, without them, humanity cannot survive. He who denies humanity, denies themselves. I choose for happiness and I most definitely surround myself with people who are positive. Think big. Emerge positive. Life’s beautiful treasures lies in the simplest things. It takes a good human being with a pure heart, to see the simplicity of life. Good luck

It takes skills and being human to live in the city of my dreams

Whenever you put me down, I will not stay on the ground. I will pick myself from the ground. You come here, scrutinize my home? Scrutinizing my work, where I live, where the whole world wants to live. You know the truth. It’s easy for you to say that this is nothing, but listen honey if you would go through my  journey, trust me, you won’t have the guts that it takes to get through this journey, the humanity. It takes being human to get where I am right now. You think it’s money, I say it’s skills.

Deep inside of you, you know that you could have been here, you know your faith. I have seen it happening. You pushed me, but when my heart is under attack, I have no choice other than keep going forward, because this is my destiny.

I never thought that I could feel this power and I am stronger enough to climb my highest tower. There is literally no turning back when my heart is under attack. No turning back. You were not even worth of everything I would say to you, how blessed I am that I am here in Los Angeles. I am happy and guess what, you’re crumbling already, you just created a huge karma of your own. The truth always will come out. Always. Mark my words, one day you want to say sorry, but it will be so arranged, that you can’t even have access to me. When you realize what you have done and what me and my sister and especially my mother have meant to you , then you will feel your heart aching.

What fear, I have no fear right now, no fear, absolutely fearless. And trust. In time you will see, what your mother has done. You will see it, I think you already have seen it, but all of you have created your karma. I will definitely get what is rightfully mine, my destiny, I will fulfill my destiny. It is time. Don’t you ever dare again to come and belittle me or my sister. When we had kindness to give, you couldn’t see it. You don’t want to see it, you don’t see the blessings, but I do. Let me live my life to the fullest, you coward, you don’t think big, so yes go home, where you belong. I don’t have to justify myself to you, I don’t have to say anything to you, my actions are already speaking. And guess what I just killed you with kindness.

I have seen what I could have been, by visiting the past, and I have realized I have made the best choice of my life

My heart aches, It brings tears to my eyes. I have seen what it means if the soul is not growing, you become bitter. Someone can put you down like that, but when it is a childhood relative, oef it stings. But I am a hard learner and I will not go through that route again. It is dangerous. I have asked to God, what would happen to me, if I would stay in Amsterdam, if I would have my company over there, doing business, but not following my real core, which is filmmaking. Just living in my comfort zone. Oh God, yesterday I got the answer. I have seen the soul dying, crumbling. Money is important, but that doesn’t divine us at all. Character does. That relative who used to be kind, has been so bitter and was constantly complaining and putting everyone down. That person didn’t realize that he is beating his soul. There is no mercy left. No kindness left, really mean, a bully. I have been doing that to myself, by constantly looking at other people, perhaps they are living a more interesting life. I didn’t value my life that much anymore, I thought I was in a routine. May God forgive me. May God forgive me for everything I have said unconsciously or consciously that hurt my soul.

The thing is when everything is handed to me so easily, to anyone, it is challenging to have gratitude. Because I get everything, I don’t appreciate it, it’s not mine. That person was reflecting and was really scrutinizing everything to the bone, it even hurts, my heart. What that person did and said, only God knows what he has done. They have created there karma. It will hit them hard, very hard. It is hurting me now, I am crying right now, but it will be shifted. But that person’t soul is already lost. They are digging there own grave. How mean people can be, wow after 4.5 years, I have experienced it again. This happened in Amsterdam, when I left. But in those 4.5 years, I was the only person who put myself down, no one else. America has lifted me up. But I will never do this to myself again. My life, my moment, every second is precious. Life is not a rush, every second should be savored. The simple things in life, are amazing.

I can sleep whenever I want, no one is telling me when to wake up, I have my own discipline, I take responsibility of my own actions. I have been saved by coming to America. The land of opportunity, the land of possibilities and Los Angeles, the city of positivity. Where we can dream big, with positive people, who encourage each other and lift each other up. Treasure lies in the simple things in life. It is not showing what you have, what possessions you have, being ‘better’ and ‘above’  then someone else, competing, NO, it is all about getting closer to God. Everything else is secondary.

I don’t want to become like that person, complaining and not being grateful what life has given. Even when it came easily, now I realize I appreciate it. I want to talk with bliss. Blessed people talk very beautifully. Only beauty in there words. They utter good words.

God thank you for each and everything in my life. I am very happy where I am right now and I am doing my best. I love my pace, I love everything about what you have given me God. I have peace in my life. Absolute freedom and peace. Thank you God for bringing me here, California, Los Angeles is my home, my lovely home. I love everything, I am living a blessed life. And I won’t look back ever again, this was the last time, my new chapter has begun, a new life, my present, making a new future.

 

I can’t bring myself down anymore

I don’t know when it started to happen, but people perceived me as this perfect bubbly girl. And because they found it special that I was smiling and happy go lucky all the time, I started to question it. Because society was questing it. And from that point I wanted to be someone else and dimmed my light. I resigned from my dance and drama classes and focused only on school, for 6 years. But I am a bubbly girl from within, it came out after high school and I did a show, danced a lot, the show was awesome. I was exploding from joy and dance.

Then I met someone, that person didn’t value himself and later it rubbed of on me, somehow I didn’t value myself anymore, my life. I am taking responsibility here of my own actions, because somehow within me, I also thought that I am a no one without having a boyfriend.

Sometimes I do feel that I am not worth it, my life, my thoughts, my existence. To the point of that I really wanted to end it all. It was a dark place, back in 2014. I cut off all of my ‘illusions’, I stopped hanging out with people who brought me down, consciously or unconsciously. I stopped hanging out with them and I faced reality. The truth, I am on my own, I am responsible of my own actions and I can’t blame someone for putting me down, I am the one allowing it.

I do see glimpses of perspective in life. On Monday, Independence day, there were fireworks, right in front of my apartment, it was very beautiful. It was a gorgeous moment. Also on that day, I realized I could make my dream a reality, I could focus on making films.

My gums were severely inflamed and that it also beautifully healing. My skin, my eyes, I had rash there, also completely gone. These things happen, because I didn’t value myself, but when I recovered from it, I realized, that I am valuable. I have to take care of myself. Health is very important. Health is wealth. And if someone comes in my life and is giving me an unhealthy vibe, and is depleting my energy, even though I like that person a lot, I can’t bring myself down because of that. I have to choose for myself. Yes, I want to be with a guy and hug him and be with him, right now there is no opportunity of being with you. The cards that are being presented to me, is working towards my goal, my vision. Taking control, rather than waiting. And definitely value myself. I am worth it, whether people like it or not, I am worth it. I am sorry, but not sorry that I am a bubbly, happy go lucky girl. Yes, I have amazing parents who believe in me and support me. That is my gift in life. We should uplift each other and not bring each other down. I have this, and other people have other gifts in life. Let’s not compare and be jealous. I have my own basket of gifts. Keep the focus on yourself.

A day devoted to cooking, this is life, I actually liked it

Hi beautiful butterflies,

I always wanted to cook some nice recipes with my partner. I imagined how romantic that would be. Cooking with that person, the chemistry between us. Ohh soo nice and beautiful. However the only could cook with right now, is myself. And my sister, but she didn’t know what to cook anymore, since a lot of stuff had pesticides, like bell pepper, tomatoes and zuchini. Even when it is organic, it still has pesticides. Anyway, I started looking around for new recipes which can avoid those ingredients. And I am not going to wait for my lovely romantic partner or for a special occasion to cook.

So I surfed on the internet, checked on youtube and found a chef, who made paratha’s (Indian flatbread) and green lentils (dal). Well, making the paratha’s wasn’t easy at all. It looked very easy, superbly easy, but I did it all wrong. It was thanks to my sister that I understood how to do it in a smart way. I used too much of water. But I must say, that I learned from this and this was actually what I wanted to experience. Cooking. Just a whole day devoted to cooking some dishes. Because yes, it does take time. And if I make a big portion, I can enjoy it up to three days. Which means three days relief, no cooking, but having organic, nutritious dishes.

The green lentils takes three hours to make it moist. So I make it in the morning. Paratha’s takes time as well, to make the dough, there is a trick. Add a little bit of water and then roll it into round bowl. Bit by bit adding water. But I did it all at once. It took me forever to make the dough. It was exhausting, it really was. But the only reason why I want to keep trying, is that I know what goes in my body. I use organic wheat flour and olive oil. No other oil. Vegetable oil and canola oil, I avoid that. My skin breaks out from that. But with olive oil, my skin stays clear.

It is a lot of fun when I know how to do it. And after the paratha’s and dal was made, I was so happy. Very delicious.

I invest my time into things that I actually like to do more often. It’s fun, this was my outlet, putting my mind on zero. Instead of going on facebook or checking other people, I might as well, ‘waste my time’ in cooking and actually have some great dishes. I also did the laundry which took time. Life, this is life. It does take time. But as I do it more often, I kind of get the hang of it. I am balancing it out. Working and living a healthy life style.

I wanted either to cook with a partner of family. Well I work with what I have. I did it on my own and my sister joined me. Nice and cozy day. Took time, yes it did, but I rather invest my time in this, than not living and being a product of society. This is life, the ups and downs, the experience of getting it or not getting it. Conquering and mastering another craft. Cooking, which is a craft on it’s own. Cheers to healthy lifestyle!

Rest in my heart, finding peace by looking at nature

As I look from the window, I find peace. Rest in my heart. I wanted to go to yoga class, but yesterday it felt more like a hassle to go. Getting my towel, mat, going there, moving, pushing myself. The window was open and I just looked outside. I found peace. This was my meditation. Not searching for things, worrying, thinking about what to eat for the next day. Just being present and looking outside. Ultimate  tranquility. I was able to see the sky as it is. The trees, the building, I was breathing, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. No responsibilities or commitments towards others. Just to myself. The most important and wonderful thing I have is myself. Heart touching. I can’t describe it in words, it’s feeling more than content. I feel complete from my roots. A true honest meditation.

It was after I rehearsed the scene four our next project. It was such a real, heartfelt moment. I took it in. I absorbed it. I didn’t say that much, I took it in, I was experiencing it in the moment. So much kindness and love from my sister. It brought tears in my eyes. This story comes straight from her heart and I felt it. What this , the character int he film is going through, very touching. And to receive so much kindness from a stranger in the scene. I was overwhelmed by the love. Imagine if you only have three weeks to live and you receive so much kindness from a stranger who doesn’t even know this fact. That brought tears in my eyes. For a moment I thought, if I make this film, create it, is it worth it? to invest my time into making a short film with quality. But I found a pattern, which is just to create and make it happen. My soul is fulfilled by doing this. It gives me so much peace. This is what I want to see. Real stories, beautiful ones. Whatever I think about, I bring about. I put it out there, as a creative person. After I rehearsed it, I felt enriched. My soul felt complete.

I hope I’m able to translate this into film and it will reach the audience. My creativity is flowing. The irony is that Van Gogh, Leonardo Da Vinci, all those legends, there work was discovered after they passed away. During there existence, when they were alive, nobody cared about. I’m lucky that at least we are getting noticed. Perhaps not in a magnificent way, but why should I wait for that. It’s in me, so I create.

God is watching, the most mightiest spectator. It’s my commitment towards my craft. I want to make movies and act. I can do it. I am doing it. Success or failure doesn’t matter. It’s a success, because I’m doing it. I love it. After that to give some relaxation to myself, I just was sitting next to the window and observing the air.Just being. Something I wanted to with a partner. I found it within myself. I accepted my journey, my faith. I work with what I have, myself. Being one with myself. I’ve grown in that way. Before high school I was one and after. I’m enough and I celebrate this moment by just allowing myself to see what is.

I saw nature and that was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. Being completely fulfilled, with myself. I give and share my happiness by means of my art. In that I give. That is a gift. A gift from me to the universe to God. To create magic. This was my wish to have rest in my heart. I have it. Thank you.

 

I am building a new life

At the end of the day, I would like to feel present and at peace. I step into the present and from now on I will talk about the present in waking life. I must say, because the known is known to me, is comfortable, very comfortable. But I step into the unknown. I have already decided. There’s no point of looking back. Absolutely no point of looking back. I feel, I don’t numb my feelings. I don’t escape them, I embrace it, I face my fears. And I trust in God. I trust there is something great out there. My desires, my words, my thoughts, I inherently, from the core love life.

There’s so much more to discover. Look, there are a lot of things I would like to excel at and do. But if I have an ambition to stand out, it’s ultra focus, discipline in one thing, commercials, articles are all a tool. There is no destination. I’m loved. And I believe, I trust that I will experience more lovely things in life.

I’ll be honest, the kind of love I get from my parents and sister, unconditional. I wanted to get from my ‘love’, my partner, my future husband. I wanted to replace it, I wanted something of my own, which is mine. My love. I wanted it so bad, that I stared to push away what I had, the love f my parents, my sister and my dream. I wanted to push away, all of that. I just wanted to have love, a life partner. I wanted to be like everybody else. Until to the point when I faced reality. I came out of the illusion, the bubble popped. Why replace something I already have, I couldn’t. I can’t and now I won’t. Again, the ultimate goal is to get closer to myself. Get closer to God. I can’t worship a relationship or a guy or an occupation. I don’t just want commercial success. I am working towards something more, something deeper. Every experience has brought me closer to myself. I care. I started to care, I have a deeper level of commitment. I have rest in my heart, my heart is pure and I truly would like to thank you for coming in my life and being a mirror.

When another door closes, another door opens. I found this beautiful platform to connect and share my inner thought. I can’t stop loving you and I won’t, I love you, you’re part of me. But I do love the present as well. This is what I have now. The past was nice and this is nice. I have accepted my thoughts, my feelings. I’m building a new life.

I get glimpses of my real ultimate satisfaction, it isn’t in materials, it’s something higher. I thought I could find it in a guy, when I had it, I thought is this it? It’s all within me. It’s about sharing my joy. Sharing and spreading love and happiness. But also to myself. Giving love to myself. Being kind to myself. Respecting myself. Lifting myself up and not waiting for others. Trusting myself with dignity and respect. having patience. My body is my temple. Listening to my body. Learning everyday. And closing the day, even when I don’t see it, belief it: ‘Thank you for this life, for every moment. I’m very grateful for this day and these moments.’

Practice gratitude. That’s what I want. To be in a grateful state, on a daily basis. No matter what, but that I still see the light, of what I want in life. I’m grateful for everyday, so simple. It’t the simple things that make life beautiful. Gratitude.

Why wait? In the end what matters is that I’m trying

It’s all possible, I just have to find a way. There is a way. There’s always a way. It’s getting focus. Today I didn’t go to hip hop class. Instead I will go to yoga class tomorrow. It’s internal, going back to what I want, fulfilling myself, focusing on my desires, my development.

Who am I? There are times when I’m one with myself. And times when I neglect myself. My own personality. I can do much more than I think and it’s much more simple than I think it is. In Amsterdam 4.5 years ago, I had two jobs, I had a role and was touring, I was seeing someone, my ultimate goal was to go to America, to study acting and pursue my dream. I had family functions, I wrote.

Now it’s simple, just me and my dream.  But just because it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s less. Because it’s so simple, it’s easy to get distracted. The classes I take at La fitness should enhance my focus, not take away from my mission. 4.5 years ago my mission was to go to America, to pursue my dream. It was challenging at times, going in the unknown, saving money. I felt I was going into a dead end and my soul wasn’t growing. Now of course I appreciate everything, because now I know how blessed I am and what I had was beautiful. I’m again going into the unknown, taking the first steps. I learned how to live life.

I’m cooking myself, doing the groceries and focusing on getting my film on outlets such as Hulu and Netflix. Because I believe the film deserves that kind of recognition, exposure. It’s inspiring and it serves for educational content as well. There are movies out there, which gets maximum exposure, but I don’t necessarily like it. Sometimes the content is not appealing at all. Films are out there and flop, from major studio’s, like huntsmen. Just because they have the ‘contacts’ or ‘marketing budget’, doesn’t mean that that’s what we should see. I want to see girls that I can relate too, or inspiring stories, real characters. That’s why I dare to pitch it, I want it. Why wait?

Wait for what, for the right moment? Even with a lot of audience appeal, viewers, people might not like it. What matters is that I’m trying. I’m doing justice to the character of the film, which is based on true events. I’m giving a voice for those who can’t. Because I can, I’m contributing. And that’s truly what I want. Because I’m blessed that I do have everything, the most important thing in my life, my integrity, my self:)