What adds to my stress and how it decreased

Yesterday, 20th of May, 2016.

What a beautiful day today, what a change. From bus to lyft. I didn’t realize that I was on edge because of riding by bus. It just adds to my stress. Ever since I graduated from Acting school in 2013, I took the bus to safe money and invest everything for my dream. Prior to that I rarely used the bus, since the school was thankfully walking distance. I’ve been riding the bus for the past three years. This was going to be the 4th year. Luckily my ‘time’ changed. I am blessed that I can choose to get lyft. This week I used both, I took the bus only once. What a difference.

I had a car in Amsterdam. But at this moment, just being the back seat in a car is nice, very nice. What a relief. We went to Farms of Beverly Hills. We had a lamb burger, very delicious. I’m really happy about it. I observed that it is time to move on, get to a higher level. Riding by bus doesn’t serve me anymore. It used to be convenient for three years, but not anymore. When I took lyft, I talked to people who are very happy and calm, unlike the people I meet on the bus. That’s not LA. In LA, everyone is positive, it is the land of positivity. I meet positive people in lyft, very nice atmosphere. And when I came home, I had my great energy, very light, happy go lucky. I was passionate about life again.

I can’t believe it, but just long drive, no people, staring outside, lovely, what a serenity. For 22 years I was living in Amsterdam, my house was next to a river. Silence and serenity. Of course I am going to yearn for that kind of serenity. Luckily I do have that now in my apartment. Slowly getting that outside as well. I thank God for this gift. I love America and I love this city, but what makes this city great is that you can enjoy life instantly. And I am here, so I’ve to do of that more. Unbelievable. After having a mouth watering lamb burger we took a delicious ice-cream at Amorino. A nice girl’s night out with my sister. Which I haven’t done for a long time. At least not like this. I loved it:)

How I overcame my restlessness

It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop. -Confucius

(Thursday, 19th of May, 2016) I couldn’t sleep yesterday. I was restless. I was contemplating. There wasn’t something tangible I could work on. I wanted to work on my film, on art. In the morning I watched some YouTube vlogs, with children in it. It gave me some relief. It was fun to watch.

Meanwhile I submitted myself to a women in media workshop hosted by Arclight Cinemas. It was a lottery and after not winning Cannes or another film festival award, I thought at least I hope I get invited for this workshop. But alas, I didn’t. I felt lost. I wanted to win or at least grow my skills. They say with a reason: “Be you, just do you.” I am persistent, very persistent. And I wasn’t using my skill for what I love, for a while. It’s never too late though. There’s always hope and time.

I e-mailed them saying that I would love to attend the (free) workshop and I hope there is a spot for me. One day later, a spot opened, there was a last minute cancellation and I was invited! I didn’t get there by luck, I made my luck, I used my powerful skill, which is persistence. My will power. I realized that if I persist, I exist and in this country you most definitely exist. In this country persistence is the key to success and I am so grateful to God that I am here. I believe in the American dream, I’m living proof of it. I am living the American dream. Which is following my passion, my mission, my dream. From Amsterdam to Hollywood. It all comes from within. Passion resonates with everyone. I work with authenticity and integrity and that my friend, works wonders. I care about honor. That is quality. It does take time, but quality, content is king. As a producer, actress and a spiritual human being, I get to do what I love. I am so happy and grateful for this moment. And what makes it more exciting is that it is all in my hands. I create and magic happens. It seriously not waiting around, it’s creating, making it happen. Persevere, keep using my essence, my skills, working with what I have. It works wonders.

Persistence and passion, are my most valuable skills, with that I truly can conquer anything I would like. Trust, have faith, believe, most importantly just take the action and the rest will reveal by it self.

Love you all, Good Night! xxx

Protecting my essence: Enthousiasm

Goooooooooooood Morningggg!!! I just came from Zumba. I woke up at 8 am. Trust me, my bed was nice and cozy, I really wanted to sleep in, but when I start my day early in the morning and I work out, my day starts well. I am all energized. Bring it on baby!

Day by day I started to lose my essence, which is bringing light, shining light, motivating, bringing energy. Due to day to day ‘tasks’, groceries, e-mailing, booking, etc. things that are just little things, which is not my essence, but those frivolous things needs to be done, it started to get to me, I made it bigger, as if that was my goal. NO! I know why I came here, I know what my purpose and I will fulfill my purpose.

I have to look at the bigger picture. THE BIGGER PICTURE, THINK BIG. Not dealing with day to day people, who are moody. Let them, but it was bringing me down, I let it. But every morning I am as of now reminding myself, who I am. I am light. I am energy. I am happy. 

I am a happy go lucky person, everything I do, I do it with enthusiasm. I am very enthusiastic in  life! And some people don’t get that and that is fine. But American people are also very happy, especially on sets. Yes! So I keep this with me, I protect it. If someone’s demeanor is very heavy, that’s okay, but I keep on moving. I just keep on moving. I love variety, I love doing new things and I have lot’s of fire in me. I can’t bring myself down, because of other people’s sadness.  Whatever people’s reaction is, or life’s ‘results’, it truly doesn’t matter. My reactions matter, that’s what makes me. If I have to lose anyway, I might as well enjoy my life, while I have it. I’ve got nothing to lose. So let me start this adventure, let me start over.

This is a new day, new chances, let’s start fresh, HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

A letter to my dad

Everytime when mom wanted to lounge and have a nice champagne, you would do that for her. It’s not for you, it’s for them. And she likes to go with you. The same I have with my sister. I don’t feel the need to have ice-cream every week, but my sister loves it and she’s not gonna go without me, because she doesn’t like to eat the ice cream on her own, she wants to share her happiness and spend quality time with me. Just because we have company every day, we shouldn’t take it for granted. If you invest in quality time, it makes the relationship healthy. And the relationship grows, any relationship will sustain that way. Which is the most important thing in the world, from that foundation, you can build anything.:)

Kill them with kindness

I have realized that I don’t like to deal with people on a daily basis. The waiters, people from the grocery, people on the phone when I try to arrange something simple. Because it’s all so deadly simple and it’s their job, I expect them to be kind. And every time, I become pissed of, when they are not. Most of the time they are rude. Where are the happy employees?

The thing is, I have to accept. I have to say that thank God in America there are remedies for it, to not deal with this. For e.g. postmates and instacart. What a life safer. I just have to order, don’t have to deal with people, sit and relax. I can do other stuff and walk for my pleasure. Not because I have to.

I still go to the grocery store, but my sister handles the things if we have to deal with people. I just pick and choose the products. I mean, life is tough that way, if I think about it. I am scared to even go to a restaurant. I have to go without any expectations and have compassion with them. They, the waiters/ employees are in pain and that’s why they are reacting that way. They will do what they want to do. Their reaction and behavior is not in my control, so I have to change my reaction, my personality. Be positive by all means, stay calm. Show compassion. I don’t have to go through to what they are experiencing. I have a beautiful life, so let me stick to that and be a bigger person. KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS. By all means, kill them with kindness. Beat the ego. I just have to meditate more. The outer is not in my control, the inner is.

The fact of the matter is, yesterday, right in front of me someone was being rude to lady with a child. Just a simple thing about the shopping cart being in the way. Anyway these issues happens to everyone. She was pissed to, but she held her composure, she still was grounded. Yes it was annoying to her, but okay, what can you do. If I expect the world to change, I have to change. I have to practice kindness. I was doing that, but now even more. A challenge, but it can happen.

Take the action of faith

Monday, may 16th, 2016 I just came from Zumba class. I really was not in the mood for anything today. I felt defeated, extremely defeated. As if someone ignored my spirit. But you know what, I have to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions.

I am very happy I went to Zumba. After I came out of the gym, violin was playing. It was very beautiful. I know you’re behind my back God. I know you’ve got my back. So what’s the deal, why do I have anxiety. You have showed me things, I never thought that could happen. You have given me everything. And more than I could imagine. I have faith in you. You guide me. I know I should pray and meditate more often, you’ve guided me towards that. However, I am a little bit stubborn. I know it’s good for me.

Give me the strength to wake up early in the morning to mediate, to pray. With you, everything is possible, I have to believe, I believe, NO, I take the action of faith.

Preparing for a big holiday/birthday celebration

It is an absolute honor that we will be celebrating my grandma’s 85th Birthday here in America. Namely in Honolulu, Hawaii.

It’s 4 months from now and my parents and my grandma will come to Los Angeles for three whole weeks. We will go to Honolulu, Hawaii and Las Vegas.

It is an honor and I hope we all can create it a special event. Three weeks, not thinking about anything, recharging. We will be celebrating my grandma’s birthday and my own. Initially I thought it would be too much of a responsibility and it wouldn’t fit my schedule. It would be too much of a hassle. However, I get the opportunity to spend time with my family, it’s not that they come everyday. They live in Europe, across the ocean.

It’s not just picking a destination, it’s planning and organizing. I’m still deciding on which hotel to stay, which was one is nice, relaxing, clean and where I feel the Hawaiian atmosphere. The Honolulu experience. Which hotel gives the best value of their price and where can I get the best food. I don’t know. Right now I reserved Hilton Hawaiian Waikiki Village. I’ve read mixed reviews.

My grandma will turn 85 and we will surprise her. The luxury that I can find at any hotel in Las Vegas, I can’t seem to find that in Honolulu. Oef, I hope I’ll pick the best one.

Imagining of going on a holiday trip is easy, but in reality, I have to do the work. It’s a responsibility to pick a good one for the whole family. It’s fun, but some things needs to be done. We’ll see.:)

Life is not a rush

Good Morning my lovely munchkins,

Today I woke up at 9 am, took a shower and rubbed Nivea cream on my whole body. I took  a deep breath and exhaled, I did that several times. I want to make that a habit, of taking a deep breath in the morning and exhale. It makes me feel present and that I exist. I forget about life and focus on the breathing. After I exhale, I feel that life’s ‘rush’ was fading away.

Yes, time waits on no one, but that doesn’t mean that I should rush. I am not rushing, but I felt that I wanted to. According to me I could get things faster. I want it all very quick and fast. There is nothing wrong with that, but out of experience I have realized that when I have it and I see what it actually is, the result, I thought to myself: ‘Oh, this is nice, but I wish I enjoyed more of my time, celebrated more of my time.’ Because having ‘it’, is great for a moment and then life goes on.

Everything happens gradually. The space I am in right now and the pace I am going right now, intuitively I know, is the right one. I am preparing my own food most of the time, organic, vegan. Which takes time and naturally is does. I use olive oil, which is better for my skin than canola oil, or sunflower oil.

I’ve got lots of fire inside of me and I truly want to express myself through art and put my project on the front line. Pitch it to other venues and get more articles out regarding my mission. I want to mingle with more like minded people, with entrepreneurs attend great workshops where I meet them.

But above all, my major goal, ultimate goal, whether I am busy or not and that is to always have a morning. The absorption level in the morning is very high. I haven’t talked so far, today I want to practice silence. Take a deep breath and exhale. I exist and I have everything I need. I thank God for this life. Amen.


It’s not in me to stop, I can’t give up on this mission. The rejection I am getting, keep it coming, it just adds to my story. Because I will make something so powerful, so beautiful, so massive, that the next time I throw, no one can deny my faith, my conviction, my mission to contribute through my film making.

If my country is not accepting my film, my effort, my precious work, that’s okay, I will definitely proof them wrong. The one who is embracing me, welcomes me, my art, is America, the land of opportunities, only in America. I’m being blocked by an energy to get my films in Europe, but that is not my path, not my destiny, America is. I have gotten everything from America, EVERYTHING. Yes, I’ve been educated well in my own country, but I could evolve in USA. My art is growing and my work has been acknowledged by America, Los Angeles, the entertainment capitol of the world.

I have a mission and I will not give up or stop. This is fueling me to continue. I am here to win and my biggest support are my parents, my sister and God. When He is behind me, I’ve got all I need.

Let’s do this, because I can and I will. I most definitely will. It is TIME.



Just do it

Forget ‘I have to believe’, ‘I have to know what I’m doing’, ‘I need to know the purpose’. Sometimes I just have to do it. My impulse was saying to do an editorial photoshoot. However today I didn’t feel like it. The fact of the matter is that I never feel like it. I was analyzing, getting in my head, about what the point is and the last photoshoot I did, didn’t go anywhere. But that’s not the mentality of a successful person. A successful person doesn’t thing or care about the outcome, a successful person is consistent and keeps practicing until they have it right. And I have been practicing this mentality for a long time, it has become a habit.

So I was sitting at the couch and lazy thoughts crossed my mind, procrastination. Suddenly, I stood up and did what I needed to do. I prepared myself for the photoshoot and just did it. Regardless of the outcome.

I felt good afterwards and the pictures looks amazing. I didn’t even expect that to happen. The key here is that I persevere, I value my time, I practice self worth. I push myself. I am not waiting for things to happen, I create it myself, I make it happen. And I am not going to wait on someone or something, I will make it happen myself. No one else will do it for me. That is a lie. Everything that I have achieved so far, is because of my persistence. I do it. I go out there and I do the work. Regardless of any result, I will still continue and do the work. Whether I have lost or won, I continue and that is real success. Success is not ‘winning’ or ‘losing’, it’s going in the field and have the courage and strength to keep going. Keep going forward. Just do it. And winning, is a cherry on the pie. But I have already won, perhaps not in the public eye, but in God’s eye and that is enough for me. I define myself and God defines me, that’s it. I am complete, I am grateful, I am happy, I am successful and I am balanced.

Taste life, live life, don’t think, just do. From the doing, things will happen and things start to unravel that is the true key of success. Much love:)