detaching emotionally and moving forward

It’s always on those who will get the best. I feel defeated, I want to give up. don’t want to exist. I couldn’t eat properly yesterday, my appetite died. Ego obviously crushed. it’s done I hope God you can forgive me. I forgive myself. I’m able to pay and I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Jealous, not giving, what is wrong with me. I can’t expect that I am the only one who can be happy. Of course people should be happy. I would love to go for a hike, but instead I will stretch.

Holding grudges, I give it all up, forgive me. forgive. I became my worst enemy. In a second😦

I am saying goodbye to my past, to you mom and to you dad. I won’t say it but it will be seen in my actions. This is something for me, perhaps you won’t even notice. But I can’t do this to myself any longer. I have chosen to do this journey on my own. I’ll only talk for pure practical reasons. But my emotions or inner conflicts will stay here with me and my sister. I’m in America and that is my current state. This is my present and I will completely embrace it. It’s me and my sister. It’s already been done. I am accepting that I have detached myself completely on an emotional level. It’s the precise reason why I wanted a boyfriend and completely live another life. But I have that now with my sister. This is it. What a relief. Letting the perfect life go completely. I will do it differently. I have to focus on my present to move on and if I attach myself emotionally to whatever is going between my parents I am not able to move forward.

Moving forward, keeping my integrity, positivity and humility in mind. I wish that for myself.🙂

I stepped in the world of ego and within a second I fell

Whatever people’s agenda, whether they spit on you, jealous or anything else negative, the moment it gets to me in a way that I’m seeking revenge and holding grudges or I wanted to pay back, those thoughts are brutal. I was in an inner conflict, couldn’t sleep for weeks, it was in my dream. I failed the test to react appropriately in real life. They made a mistake, but it’s innocent, let them learn. It’s actually very innocent in God’s eyes. But it got to me. It really got to me. I fed the ego.

Two things were battling inside of me: First: ‘How dare they they did that to my parents and my mom should finally stand up for herself‘ and the other thoughts: ‘It’s her life and she has to learn on her own pace, I completely disagree with her 100% of how she conducts her life, but that is her journey and I have to let her be.’

My sister said it well, some people learn fast, for other people it might take a lifetime or in this lifetime some people might not be able to do it.

I was battling this, because I couldn’t talk to my mom over the phone or else it will explode and I will spit out my thoughts. So I didn’t talk to her for quite some time. Until yesterday, doom’s day. I wish I could reverse it, but I can’t, this is life😦

I was not able to say it in an intellectual manner, I was upset and I wanted to let her see that she has become even closer with those people, who actually are not good for her. I said it and it all backfired on me. I also cursed the people who did wrong. Of course that backfired on me as well. It was a mess, horrible the way I talked and with my words I came to their level, exactly what my enemies/devil want. Yes, the ego, I gave in to the ego. But nothing was being appreciated, I said that I was hurt in the process and my mom didn’t respond to that, that is my problem. I felt there was some injustice here and I pointed it out and she had her reasoning ready. My dream told me, that this would happen, I just have to react differently. I became the bad guy here, just like my dream.

I couldn’t see her suffering, however she chooses to. And she thighs she is right. She is willingly choosing to continue to bring herself down. But she doesn’t see it like that. Well I am not God and I should let it be. It’s not my place, even though I’m her daughter, it doesn’t matter, it’s not in my place to make people realize on what their mistakes. It’s not a mistake after all. There is no right or wrong. Nobody is right nor wrong. It’s just what it is.

I should focus on my journey and on the good things that are happening in my life. On the positive things. People come and they try to put me down, but they can’t until I give in, until I let it. Yesterday I did and I apologize for that. I take the curses back and instead bless each one of them who did what they did. Nobody was wrong or right. They did what they  thought was accurate.

I got attitude, I thought it would be legit to those who were ‘mean’ to me. But in an instant I was put on the map. Before I was scrutinizing myself that I’m noting. I don’t have ‘millions’. But that’s not true. I’m rich, I’m healthy, I have parents who care about me, my sister is my best friend. I’m privileged and what I have is a gift from God. He gives and he can easily take it away.

I live my life the way I want to, I am learning. Nobody is perfect and I am certainly not perfect. I accept this imperfect life. I fell. It’s in God’s hands. God can change everything in a split second. I’ve got God, so what do I have to fear. I apologize God. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I became a fool and something that I let go a long time ago. Some people don’t do me good and I accept. Some people evoke things out of me and I accept that I have to take my distance. Because otherwise I give in again. I know that I fall astray. I am a human.

I love the holiday, after a year working non stop, what a rejuvination

Good Morning,

I celebrated my birthday in Hawaii, Honolulu at Hilton Hawaiian Waikiki beach resort. It was beautiful. Amazing view, we got the Ocean View. I absolutely loved it. The food was amazing at the Rainbow buffet. The papaya was from the Big Island, that was absolutely delicious. This papaya was ripe unlike the one in Los Angeles. Mmm. The taro roll, which is from Hawaii, and the guava french toast, oh God, those were divine.

Swimming in the Ocean, wow what a view, I had a beautiful time at Hilton. I’m grateful for that. Then we went to Las Vegas, M resort. The experience at M Resort was quite similar like the hotels in Dubai. All luxury, I loved it. The buffets at Las Vegas were delicious. The buffet at Wynn hotel, was the best🙂  I love food❤   M resort was beautiful as well, it was bigger and more luxurious than the Hilton. I was really looking forward to this one. However the pool was small and the big pool was only open during the weekends. That was a pity. Never the less, the rooms were exceptional. I had a strip view, top floor. I loved it.

This was very nice, change of scenery after working non stop for a year. I was extremely happy and content, all the pictures that were taken, I could see how balanced I was. I’m happy with my life. I have accepted my journey🙂

I’ll keep this experience close to my heart. I’ll make more, cheers to more!

Three times denied, three times stabbed in my heart,tables will be turned

I am absolutely amazed that someone who I know, relatives, who supposedly are kind and have the ‘best intention’ for me, have denied us three times. First some relatives came in 2014 to Los Angeles to visit us, but no, they came for themselves and rushed to meet us for only two hours and that’s it. Then July 2016 two relatives came, I thought for us, but no, only 1 hour, rushed, lied and didn’t want to meet us. And now September 2016, won’t say again won’t say names, relatives, again surpassed us. And they even came into our house.

I am in the USA, focusing on my work, on contributing to society, I don’t even deal with them, then they come into this country, into my town, my city, only to put us down. WOW. THREE TIMES. You know what that means. Judas lied three times. Jesus was denied three times.

Mark my words, all those people who took advantage of a certain situation back 5 years ago, all those people who became big, because of my parents, all those people who then denied us and thought they were bigger than us and had attitude, they will fall. And they will fall hard. TABLES WILL BE TURNED. Today they might have money in the back, tomorrow they won’t. What they have done to us, has already been done to them.

Don’t come to me and tell me how big you are, if my own parents have brought you there. It’s all about being humble. Look when I had it all and I now do have it all, I am not showing nor am I telling anyone or shouting it from the roof. I know my place, I know that God has put me here and easily can change the circumstances. The moment someone has attitude and take their chin high and it gets to their head, it’s done deal, you’re already digging your grave. I’ve seen the highs and I have seen the dirt. I know how easily things can shift.

I do my best and appreciate this country, don’t come here and piss on it, just because you can’t have it. You stand there with all the money, that A, you got the tools through my parents and B, it’s not everything, now is it? But how can you know, you don’t know what following a dream means, you don’t know what real success means, otherwise you would be humble. A person of success, true success, has seen the top, they know the meaning of being humble, because it does take sacrifices and effort to be there on the top. To stay there on the top. And clearly all of you saw me and my sister’s success and you guys couldn’t handle it. I was there even to give you tools, but I guess your ego has immediately diminished it. You have to receive the love. Mom, I love you, but if you can’t open your eyes based on this experience, this holiday, then I don’t have words, only silence will speak the truth.

I have worked consistently, I have always done my best and it shows, relatives thought it was nothing, well because clearly they are jealous. Three times denied, three times stabbed in my heart, tables will be turned. God knows it. It has already been done. My tears will be turned into fuel. I am only focusing on the good stuff and this is what I got in return? Thank you all, now dare to come when I am at the top and remember this moment, dare to come when I have acquired all ‘the money’ which you guys are so jumping about, dare to come, I won’t say it, GOD WILL.


Listen to your own voice only, experience it yourself first

Good Morning,

I just arrived in Los Angeles, from Waikiki, Honolulu. In the plane there were several selections for films to watch. I wanted to watch a certain movie, but that didn’t work. I think God wanted me to watch this movie called: Pele. 

A few months ago I saw the trailer, read the reviews of Pele and they said that the film didn’t do justice to the legend. I still wanted to watch it, but it wasn’t in big cinema’s, only in art house cinema, far from the city. Anyway, my point is that I bought into that and I thought it wasn’t worth it.

But then I just starting watching it in the plane and magic started. Oh my God, already after a couple of scenes, I was overwhelmed and started to have tears, what a beautiful build up, beautiful scenes. The message, the scenes, the color palette everything was beautiful, it brought me tears, it moved something in me, now that’s a film. Every second of the movie was worth it, full of suspense. Every scene made sense, it was beautiful, amazing chemistry.

Anybody can give their experience of something, but what I’ve learned this past week, or actually what I have remembered, is that I have to experience it myself, because my experience will be different. I liked Pele, I loved it. I was depriving myself of such a beautiful experience. Only because I bought into those reviews and what other people said about it. NO!

What was so beautiful about it? I could relate to it. I don’t play like others, but I wanted to. I wanted to go to the ‘conventional’ road, but it didn’t work. I pushed it, it sometimes worked, but it wasn’t me. I am getting closer to who I am.

I am getting the courage to embrace who I truly am. 

Initially I was afraid and I pushed it for quite some time, because I was the only one going the other way. But I am grateful that I have been embraced my destiny, I had the courage to embrace it, I went the other way, my way and I am in harmony. I love what I do, it is music to my ears, everything matches. I love producing, I love my family, I love balancing it. Career and family, yes, it can be both, the top ingredient is patience. Patience result is sweet. Very sweet.

I couldn’t connect the dots, but now when I look back EVERYTHING makes sense. The GOOD AND THE BAD. EVERYTHING.

My parents and grandma are here with me and the unexpected happened, we are all in sync. We grew together. There is no distance, only love. Thank you God, this is it.

I’m meeting my parents after two years, I’ve grown, can we relate?

Good Evening my sweet baby’s,

I haven’t seen my parents for two years, physically. I’ll meet them tomorrow. Maybe I’m making it too special. I don’t know. Yes I’ve talked over the phone, but that is not the same, trust me. Also that keeps me away from my present moment. I don’t like talking over the phone, that’s something I’m working on. My dad wants to, but sorry I can’t, I blocked him :p  I love my dad and he can be really funny and an amazing human being, but he chooses and when he doesn’t chose to have that funny demeanor, well he’s a complaining machine. Talking about paying tax, paying this, paying that. I thought that I was the only one, but my friend from Holland has the same experience with her dad. So it’s okay, I accept.

My mom is a different story, on the phone, it’s hard, 5 minutes is okay, but longer, we get both frustrated on the smallest things. I’ve grown, I don’t mind, but the phone is frustrating machine, it’s just not working for me.

I’m overseas, I feel a huge difference. I was judging myself for actually wanting to live my own life. I am creating on a daily basis, I do what I love, so I am living a different lifestyle. I love my present, I love Los Angeles.

They are coming tomorrow, together with my grandma. Within two years I’ve grown significantly. I don’t know what my equation with them will be. I seriously don’t know. I hope my mom will let me be as I am. But I’ve realized I have to accept them both as they are and give my love to them. They have given me a lot, I’m very blessed with my parents. But I have to be honest, there is a distance. But that’s okay, I don’t feel. I don’t even feel in my art, when I act, I don’t feel. The only time I feel is when I listen to music or when I dance, other than that, there are glimpse of moments when I truly feel, that’s it.

I don’t know what to expect, all I know is that both of my parents have given me the world, we are going to have a holiday, recharge for three weeks, going to Hawaii and Las Vegas.

They haven’t seen the apartment I’m in, that will be a cute surprise. It is a very cozy, beautiful sweet apartment. I am happy with this apartment, there is a lot of harmony in this apartment.❤

All I can do is give love, have an understanding and accept them as they are. I know that I have grown and have become myself, like I used to be when I was around 9. Creating, loving, focusing on myself. I hope I can accept what I cannot change and give love, unconditionally.

I seriously don’t know what to expect. Little bit scared, but it’s okay. We’ll see how it goes, this is life😉

I live my life regardless of the result, with or without, I can only do my best. Live life, experience it. Listen and observe🙂

Don’t forget the bigger picture, remember it, THINK BIG

Good Evening lovely ones,

I always ask myself the question what I would do if all the goals were met, all tasks were done. What would I do? Today I went hiking at Runyon canyon, all the way to the top. That’s what I would do, which I did. With or without results, that has grounded me. Acceptance if it doesn’t go my way, stop being dependent. No matter what, I can focus on my things.

I do what is right and I can go two directions, the right one, or the wrong one. When I did go to the wrong one, I saw that I had to recover double the amount of time, then when I just go to the right direction and get higher and higher. I was rebellious 2 years ago, I went the other way, going against my destiny, trying to be someone else, dating multiple guys, not facing my fears, my responsibility. It’s okay, I’m fine with that, because 2 years ago I realized there is more to life.

I recovered fast, I immediately took charge of my own destiny, shook hands with it and now I am living the dream. I am happy internally. I accept the things that I cannot change and I am grateful for the things that are given to me, I play with my cards. I love discovering myself, having a healthy relationship with myself, putting health first, investing quality time with my best friend which is my sister, being in harmony with myself.

All the other things are secondary. Think big, that’s what I remember when I hike to the top at Runyon Canyon. I love hiking by myself, I embrace it. I observed that actually everyone out there loves it, it’s great when you put trust in God and not in a human, which has flaws by nature.

Hiking to the top, being in nature is a reminder of this:

Don’t forget the bigger picture. Remember it, THINK BIG! Keep that in mind

It’s a constant and daily reminder. Seriously, it’s like brushing my teeth. I have to remind myself to think big and not get caught in to the little things. If got an e-mail that I will get something, I shouldn’t wait, I should continue to work. Not waiting for things, but making it happen. Thinking BIG.

So many beautiful things I learn from Nature, oehh, thank you, love it. Taught by the best, nature it self! Thank you!❤

photo 1 (26).JPG


When I think ‘oh what do I have to lose, why not?’, I’ve got EVERYTHING to lose.

Hi sweethearts,

God, what a day. When I didn’t have my production company and no financial income, I use to do audience work in the beginning to generate income. In the beginning I met friends, I learned a lot, it was a lot of fun. With every beginning there comes an end. 5 months ago, due to injustice, I stood up for myself, that door had been closed.

However today when I got the offer to do it, I thought well why not? I am going on a holiday next week, it would be nice to have some extra cash. Well people, I mean I thought I had nothing to lose, I have time, why not right?

I was WRONG and every time when that thought crosses ‘What do I have to lose’, I eventually have EVERYTHING to lose.

That experience was horrific, like Auschwitz, I haven’t experienced this on such a high level with this work before. It was extremely cold and the staff were so stressed, pushing, screaming, I wasn’t allowed to go outside. I went to the back, to go up, and there were bars, I mean hello, it looked like jail, it felt like jail, in my mind it was jail. This is definitely not what I expected and this was not my intention.

When God closes a door, God closes it for a reason. Because this work stops my productivity. There is a life out there beyond this and the way I have been treated, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER do this work again. I DESERVE to go HIGHER IN LIFE. I have done it in the beginning, it didn’t bother me, since I didn’t know better, but now I do have a full running business. And I have to trust that it will flourish in time, step by step.

This valuable time can be used for my dream, my mission, not for something I am not passionate about. I could have stood up for myself and tell the staff that I am extremely disappointed and will never come back, but I didn’t. I was judging myself, by not doing so.

But intuitively I know, that they didn’t do it on purpose, it was the nature of this and it was a lesson to be learned for me, to NEVER walk this path again. It’s like, I have to work for my passion, to not touch the ground and just go higher in life.

I have a commitment with God first and by doing this again, I am neglecting God in this way. This doesn’t fit me anymore. Apparently there are so many things for me, that I obviously cannot see, but I have to TRUST that it will happen, something BIG is about to happen for me, I just have to TRUST, I just have TRUST completely.

It seems so easy, I can slip in so easy, I can get persuaded so easily, but God closed it for a reason, and I’m trying to change it and not trusting God for his decision. Today I found out. It was like death, cold was getting to me. But now fresh chilliness, this was artificial horrible torture chills.

I have a life, where everyday I can work towards my dreams. I mean I am living the dream, I truly am, the fact that I can do what I want to do on a day to day basis, is living the dream. If this was my last day, I would completely focus on my production company and after this experience there is NO TURNING BACK.

Because certain environments and jobs make me fearful, gives me anxiety, doesn’t make me composed at all.

I haven’t hiked for a while and I always said, that whenever I have accomplished what I wanted, or am the producer, I will hike regularly. When I wasn’t a producer, I hiked, when I didn’t have anything I hiked, so why not. The doors are open again, I focus on my health, which is wealth. I choose God, I choose to Trust you God. I don’t see it, you are seeing it.

This precious time, I could have invested in my dream. This stopped my productivity, NEVER AGAIN.

I’m done. Period. Only higher, I deserve it, I see that now, I am a kind, grateful human being, thank you God for giving me this insight. Thank you, God Bless. See the bigger picture.

Going for my career I went from Europe to USA, in the process I forgot what it’s like to have a loving mother.

I talk to my dad often and my relationship has improved after going abroad. I appreciated and understood my dad more. With my mother, I started to become more distant. We couldn’t relate to each other anymore. And slowly I forgot what it’s like to have a mother who loves me. I realized it today. She is going to visit me next week, with my dad and grandma.

She saved money for two years, to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t forgotten us and would love to come to us, for us. She wants to see us. I couldn’t actually believe it, that she would invest all her time, money and energy into visiting me. Yes I am her child, but somehow, doing the work here, I forgot what I actually left behind. I moved on, I am moving forward and my mother would like to move forward with us.

The relationship over the phone is frankly speaking nothing, it’s just wasting my energy, it’s nothing compared to seeing her in real life. Any relationship over the phone for me is now basically pointless. I rather see the person. Because it’s different over the phone and in real life. You cannot feel the energy, feel the person, their warmth and love, that cannot be measured with how many phone calls I make.

Yet I talk a lot over the phone with my mother, but I have realized today that it’s nothing, it has no value, not for me. I work toward being together, that takes time and that is a sacrifice I made. That’s okay, it is worth it. But I have to meditate and trust that we meet again and the relationship is as strong when we meet again, not because I called my parents a lot. I don’t like to talk and I’m talking too much in life.

That’s why I wanted to live on my own, make my own mistakes, live, experience. My love is measured in doing, not in talking. I appreciate that vice verse. Period.

I am working towards that. My mom is coming for me, I forgot what it felt like that someone could love me that much, unconditionally. A mother. I am slowly gaining respect again for motherhood. I just forgot. It’s the Peter Pan syndrome, care free mentality. That’s who I am inherently.🙂 A good thing, but with every positive comes a negative.

But that’s okay, I am blessed, I am grateful for that. Have a beautiful night.❤


By doing the illogical things, I get the job done

Hi dear ones,

I was at home and had to work on my articles in regards of promoting my short film. I wanted to get everything done today, I’m a bit behind and next week my parents are visiting me after 2 years and my grandma after 5 years. So it was absolutely needed that I would finish writing my articles this week.

My mind said, to just order food at home and not go outside, so I get the job done. However I’m working tomorrow and somehow, I know that I should do the quite opposite of what my mind is telling me. It’s ‘logical’ to stay at home and finish things, but it’s illogical to go outside, get my sandwich, have a nice walk and get some fresh air. And of course get plenty of bottled water. (I was running out.)

Let me tell you something, I am so happy that I went outside! Oh my god, what a refreshing day, what a beautiful day. It was chilly though, but I liked it. I was wearing my warm coat, and I could smell the fresh air. I loved it. It gave me perspective in life. This is what I’m doing it for.

Why did I choose this journey in the first place? To get out of the routine and experience life, experience nature. Embrace life on a day to day basis. Embrace and enjoy. Indulge.

Life doesn’t go exactly how I want it to be, but I’m glad it doesn’t. It goes better than I could have ever imagined. It goes exactly how it should be. It’s not first ‘having’ it, it’s doing the things, the actions of already having it. I’m already living the life I want to live.❤  It is not attached to circumstances, regardless, I do what’s illogical, putting faith in to action. That’s what I know for sure.🙂