I woke up at 6am and had an intense sexual desire. There was another person who contacted me, who I haven’t talked with ever since I had an honest conversation with myself. I realized that ‘flings’ are for me just temporarily dating, kissing etc. for them, those guys it has an impact. They do want more and want a real relationship. Which eventually I want to, but my first real commitment goes to my ambition, my career.
It’s a commitment, with that comes highs and lows, I am accepting that with my career. But with a relationship…I really want to commit and have a romantic relationship, but after holding hands and walking around, I want to do more. Exercise, dance, travel, more than just being in bed with each other. Also I have seen, in a relationship the guy orders food for e.g. or reserve things, that is fine and I am holding hands, he is taking charge, but I felt I was losing myself.
So yes the desire of being sexual, having sex and being steamy in the room was huge, my imagination went wild into calling a former ‘fling’ up, since he was interested, but practically speaking, I do want a big luxurious kitchen, luxurious lifestyle, and I want it all and achieve it myself. Because I know I can, I want to be independent.
There is only 1% of the society earning 99% of the wealth. Because 99% of the society goes into temptation and is influenced by the media and certain people who only focuses about non-ambition topics. Do I hear the media talking about entrepreneurship? About getting my own house, luxury? Slowly but surely there is a movement going on of being ambitious, very grateful. But I want to hear more of people devoting their life to an amazing career which contributes to society. Of course within the journey if I meet someone and it feels right, but honestly and practically speaking, right now I have a friend and companionship, which is right now my sister. I cannot deny that. I have done it in the past, denying her and really wanted to have a ‘boyfriend’, I wanted to do everything with him, doing business with him, acting with him, cooking, working. But God has given me a sister. For so long I fought, I wanted a romantic relationship with a guy, my life would be beautiful, magical, holding hands. I saw my sister as a curse, rather than a blessing.
Until it hit me, when I was working on my visa, no one was there to help me. Only my sister, all the meetings with lawyers, agents, production rentals, no guy could help me, they didn’t have knowledge about it or I didn’t meet the guy. It doesn’t matter whether he has knowledge or not, just being there for me was enough. But most of them had an inner conflict themselves and put me down. I don’t blame them, everybody is dealing with something and letting it out in there own way.
When I was at Hilton Hawaiian with my family on my Birthday, it felt right, it was beautiful. We had our own private beach, top floor, Ocean view. That felt right to me, I didn’t feel a void. It’s funny when I look back, all of those people actually wanted the life I have. Because they thought that they couldn’t achieve it, they tried to get me out of it. For a while they succeeded.
I was hurt, he was hurt, we loved each other, now he is also working. It’s good to see that. I am ambitious, he wants to be. It’s okay. I am going my path.
Desires come and go. I picked one desire, my desire of succeeding and contributing. That feels right to me. I accept who I am. I accept that my soul yearns for something higher, larger than life. I haven’t accepted myself fully. I do want to go into just diving into a relationship, having sex, being in the room with him, forgetting about the world, I acted out on the temptation two years ago, but I felt lost and something of myself died. There is nothing wrong with doing that, absolutely nothing, but it is not me.