I allowed myself to be myself ;)

I’m glad I went, I felt the fear and I did it anyway. I took my moments, didn’t wait for things to happen, I made it happen. There is no ‘perfect’ timing, or getting ready, just go, I only can learn by doing.

I’m glad I went to this Bollywood class, I completely focused on dancing, not on anything else. I am very happy about that. There were moments of insecurities, some were really good, but I’m here to do a workout and have fun, so it’s okay. I allowed myself to be myself😉 With all the flaws and errors. I am human, I’m not perfect and I’m okay with that.

I had to get a sense of myself. After all the hectic, I had to work for what I want, get a sense of who I am at the core.

The only way I could do that, was to dance🙂 To move, to exercise, I’m grateful that I did. Life has a meaning, it truly has. I lose the battle and win the war. That’s what I know for sure. so all these distractions, fine, I’ll lose on those small battles, but I’m willing to, because I want to win the war. And I need focus for that, energy and most importantly excitement. I love it when I can enlighten people with my enthusiasm, their positive reactions, gives me joy. I did something, I contributed. I fulfilled my task today of enlighten, bringing joy. Have a beautiful night, much love!

Scared to go, but I want to

I’m a little bit scared to go by myself and I don’t feel like it. But here’s the thing, when it comes down to it, when it is actually happening I never feel like it. And then I regret that I didn’t do it. There is a free Bollywood dance class starting at 8pm.

My sister doesn’t like to dance, I do. Oeff and hollywood blvd is closed, so I can’t take lyft, have to walk😛 But I just have to go whether I like it or not. I work for what I want and I do like to dance and have fun. It’s just having fun. I guess I’m gonna, make myself ready in 10 minutes.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. I won’t meet people by sitting around here🙂

I am so happy that I can feel alive with dancing, it gives me a kick in life

I really needed move, exercise and most importantly dance my heart out. It was 7pm, it was dark, I felt comfortable inside my room. But I know, if I go outside and work out, dance on Bollywood music, it would do me good. Meet people, say hi, I love that. I am a social person. And I had a free Lyft ride, the offer is valid until Wednesday, so I took the opportunity and went.

I absolutely loved it. I’m so happy I went. I danced my heart out. I felt so alive. I am so happy  that I can feel alive independently.🙂 If I would wait for a certain person to come with me, dance with me, play with me or who would cheer me up, I might end up waiting forever alone, having done nothing😦

I’m not waiting around for the ‘perfect circumstance’. If I want to do something or achieve something, I have to do it myself. No one will do it for me. I felt truly alive when I was dancing, something in me got connected to God, to heaven straight away, without any filter. I wasn’t thinking, I was doing, my body was working, dancing, performing. I loved it. I turned the ratio off and released the endorphins. It was absolutely necessary.

After so long I felt alive. It truly releases me. Dance is important in my life, I can’t live without it. It gives me relief, physical relief. It gives me joy, I can’t even express it in words, it is out of this world. Dancing on the beat, especially my roots, Bollywood dancing, it puts me on such a high, nothing gives me that ultimate joy, as this. Because this is not connected to anything, not to results, competition, it is just dancing for myself. Pure joy. When I hit the beat with my dance moves, that right there, gives me a huge kick. YESS!

Celebrate life, with or without. Tomorrow there will be another Bollywood class in Hollywood, I’ll be there as well.❤

Thank you God.

Thank God, gentlemen are there, yes!

I’ve held a screen-test for my lead actor and thank God, kind, beautiful guys exist, gentlemen, yes, they are there. I mean of course in Europe I’ve encountered high class gentlemen, meaning opening a door, taking care of my bag, I mean I was treated like a princess by them🙂 But these guys were fine too.😉

There is perspective, there is hope, beautiful guys with a kind heart. Very beautiful to see. I’m glad🙂  Very charming, happy to see that.

THANK GOD! So please, don’t settle for less, they are there, beautiful from the inside and outside. I’m also a person who takes of my body, I’m fit and love hiking and working on myself, so definitely, you meet who you are🙂

God is looking the best match for me, I know this was a screen-test for my film, but it gave me hope in real life, that they do exist, not just in movies🙂

I’ve lost and I accept

I truly thought that you were my happiness, that moment which we shared, will I experience it again? I can’t ask that, that was with you. I’ve lost😦 I’ve lost and I don’t know if I will experience something better. But I hope that you know that I truly loved my time with you. It was very valuable to me, very beautiful. It has shaped my heart. I love you for that. I hope deep inside from the bottom of my heart this will reach you. I truly love you and I hope you know that I loved my time with you. I loved it and if I could do it over again, I would have spend more time with you. I tried actually, but anyway, I hope you are listening, I love you, I’ve lost. I lost in love and that’s it. I can’t just go with someone else, I was actually searching for you in someone else. you are you and you are not replaceable.

But you’re not with me and I’m not with you, that is a fact😦 I don’t like that at all, I don’t want to write that, but I have to face that fact, I can’t get everything in life, at least not all at once. I respect your decision and I respect mine. I have a commitment to God first, I made a decision and you made yours. So there is no in between. It’s done. I lost that, I made my choice and I have to stick with it. Done deal.

Valuable time, what should I do with it

It’s 4th of December, 2016. I can always wait for you, always. That is a given. But while I’m waiting I can do my things. Which I am doing and you never called me, or said hi or anything😦  I have so much time, valuable time, I can make something with my life.

I wanted to dance with you, that is clearly not happening. And asking you to come here for one day, escape the truth of the reality, come into an dimension where there are no restrictions, is also not possible, because my soul has to let you go and most importantly let you learn. I hope you will grow in this lifetime so I will see you again🙂

But meanwhile the reality is, I am on my own and I have to work on myself. I found some free Bollywood dance classes this week, so I will go and take on that free class🙂

Just by myself. I want to grow and get closer to myself, most importantly get closer to you God. I trust you God. And my desires become small when it comes to you. God, you are everything and I surrender with my feelings and desires. I trust you that you are guiding me to you and making me the best possible person I can be.

There is a lot of time and every hour, second I can make something happen, I can make magic happen. Ofcourse occasionally I gravitate towards the known, but I know God I will follow the unknown. I wanted to experience the highest possible level of happiness. Which to me is spiritual growth. God, I hope I can do this. I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, I can do this.

God bless

I miss romance

Sometimes, especially during this time, I miss romance a lot. Holding hands, hugging, kissing. But with the guy I like. The guy I like is there, he exists, I love him, I love you. I want to be with you, but unfortunately the understanding of love is different. You have your own interpretation. See to me love is present, it’s right here.

Walking under trees, in nature with you was absolutely beautiful. Kissing under a tree, with blue sky, was really beautiful. I loved you, you are amazing, I wish you knew that about yourself. Because if you truly loved yourself, it could have worked between us. We contribute to each other’s happiness, we don’t become the happiness, we just contribute. Because we are happy on our own. And you are absolutely amazing. Everything about you was, but you didn’t see it. No matter how many times I told you, you didn’t believe it.

It’s okay, I love you a lot, I still do. I still believe in romance, I still believe there is someone for me out there, who can enjoy the simple things in life. Walking outside, in nature, is the most romantic thing, for me. I love it.

I want to escape, I feel there is a lot of responsibility right now, I just physically want to have a release. I think I do need fitness again in my life. I need to release my body. I know what I want in life, I love life, I like to do my own things, have balance. That is important.

I loved kissing you, I loved hugging you, if it was up to me, I would get you here next to me right now, be under the stars, hold hands, hold you tight, look at you forever in your eyes, hug you, be in your heart. Because you are in my heart. I love you. I can’t say it to you anymore in real life😦 But I do hope one day you will come to me, because the truth is, my heart is always open for you, I will always love you.

The truth about following my dream

Look, I always wanted to be an entrepreneur, have my own business. I never thought it would be in the film business. I always thought I would just land a role. Well, most of the actors, I think thought that way, because of the illusion that the press presented in the first place.

Rocky, was made by Sylvester Stallone himself, he wrote and produced it himself. He put himself on the map. So did many others. I have a gift of producing and I knew that the only way I can put myself on the map is by producing films myself and casting myself as the lead. My sister happens to love directing and knows my angles and knows how to put me on camera. In such a way, that I never thought I could do.

In Europe they would ask: ‘That sounds all fine honey, but are you earning?’  I am earning through my commercials and I am using that capital to invest in my production company. If I would think about revenue, then Disney could have stopped. Watch ‘Walt before Mickey’ and you’ll understand what I mean🙂  He got so many times bankrupt, couldn’t pay his employees, did get deals, then lost them, but he still continued.

If I want ‘direct result’, I can just get a ‘regular’ job and that will give me direct result, I work and after that I get paid. Period.

Also for 1.5 years, I had to work just to pay for my rent, month to month, only concerned about that. I took a risk, to go more for auditions, work for what I want, shoot things myself and things started to shift around. After that period, suddenly my dad’s business got picked up and is happily supporting me and my sister in pursuing my dream. Which means I work now for my company.

We are getting sponsorships, so we can continue making films. Our work is speaking. I am playing with the cards that are given to me and the gift that I am getting from the Universe, God, I will appreciate it and take it🙂

I am building myself up, as I have given an opportunity to do what I love. I have to go with time and what it presents to me.

I have learned to not anticipate on the bad things. If something will happen, I can’t stop from happening, but at least I can work for what I want, put my time and energy in what I love. My mom used to tell me: ‘But what if your dad cannot support you anymore, you need to have something’. Well I have been in that position and I could swim, but to anticipate on it prior, I mean, then I can just go on the ‘safe’ road, quit this passion, get a ‘regular’ job, just to be safe. But playing safe, is also not a guarantee. And every time when my mom is scared or talks about that ‘safe’ route, it gives me even more the push to take risks and pursue my dream. Because NOTHING is certain. Only the end is certain.

I can’t live life being scared of things that potentially will happen. Well let it happen, I’m going to focus on what I want, ignore the distractions.

Everybody is entitled to live their life the way they want to. I am doing the same. I am not questing my cards of life, I work with it. I play with it and the rest is in hands of GOD. I cannot ask, why I don’t  have this or why this or that, I am not God, nor do I want to be. I am just a human being. I make mistakes and I also make great choices. I am both the good and the bad. I am in this world and I can only do my best. But I’m doing something that makes me a life. Which is my film, my love❤

love makes life beautiful

At all times, love is important and is the root of all solutions. Do everything with love. With sweetness. No matter how long it takes. With love and dedication I found my ways. I will find everything.

When I was 18, I studied International Business at Maastricht University. It was a beautiful year, I met so many grounded guys. Sweet, caring. the surroundings was beautiful. Europe is a very romantic place, I must say. USA is a place to develop my career and Europe is about a romance, enchantment. I’m glad I have experienced both. It makes life fulfilling. I know what I want🙂

I love romance, beautiful nature, poetry, the simple things in life. Cycling, picnicking.

Good night, sweet dreams, much love❤

I don’t know where to put my anchor

When it’s cold, I’m blocked. A house is about being warm. I turned the heater on. I just had to, it was too cold. I know that I have to keep this apartment a bit cold, because of the circumstance, but I can’t do anything if I’m cold.

I don’t know where to put my anchor. My roots was Amsterdam. My house. I chose for this. What if I find something nice in January and I just have to go through this for a while.

There is one thing I cannot stand, which is the cold. I don’t know how I survived in Amsterdam, but I am warm, I’m fine. I can handle this.

God give me strength and the wisdom to make wise decisions. I don’t know😦  It’s Sunday, there is a Christmas parade. I’m here in my apartment. I hope it all works out. I hope I find a nice place with my sister, where I feel at home again. For now I’m letting it go.