I am sorry, I fell astray, now I don’t feel like fighting anymore. It took a lot of effort to come to this stage, I know. And I really want it so bad, but somehow it’s not going. Or I think…

I just paid a big amount of my credit card, which finally set my credit card free. I might not have gotten the green light for the film to distribute, but I certainly got financial relief. I want to act and do this, however somehow I have to remind myself and keep training, who I am. Acting is visual, it’s a visual thing, lines come from doing, it’s easy.

Why do I feel defeated, while I sense that God is still trying to help me? I’ve put too much energy into something which is not my destiny.

Things will come in the way that will try to push me from reaching to my destiny.  I’m reading the book Think and Grow Rich. I am 3 feet away from Gold. But somehow I feel defeated and certain feelings arise. And I’m tested every time.  However I have to run my race and don’t look back, don’t look at others, which drifts away the energy.  I have to keep going and persevere. This is it. Shut the ‘thinking’ off, and go forward. Because I do deserve the goodness in my life, I do deserve all the good. I am worth it and if I don’t invest in myself, no one else will. There is no luck, I am blessed. I am making my own destiny. I am an actress and producer. I love doing business and I will tackle the industry from that angle. I love doing business and I will find investors. I already invested in my film, which was around $6000 and made a quality product. This is just the beginning. I give up and let go. I let go, I let go, I let go. Let me learn and we’ll see what happens. Release.


It’s all part of a masterplan

Everything that happened to me is destiny and part of a master plan. EVERYTHING. God has made a huge master plan, everything that I had to do and that happened to me was all a plan. I had to walk the journey and learn, now I’m ready.

I was crying a year ago, crying about my story. ‘Why is this happening to me, why am I not getting it, I want to be someone else’. Little did I know that God was making a master plan for me, something that I couldn’t foreseen. I had to go through it, all of it in order to understand that my journey is exactly right for me. I am being saved by God, that’s what I see now.

I knew that social media would not bring me further and it’s crumbling, just having commercials on your name doesn’t mean anything, if it’s not utilized for a purpose. Just getting money doesn’t mean anything. I always wanted to contribute to society.

I wrote 10 years ago,  where I wanted to make a difference in society. It turns out I always wanted to empower girls and portray that we are more than just our looks. I am more than just my looks and am equally ambitious. I wrote this 10 years ago, when I was 16. I was in Amsterdam then, now I am here and establishing this concept. Yes, I want to make history, I do and not lose sight of my ambition.

I am grateful that I am pushed into a direction of making my own films. I am pushed into the direction of producing my own films and now where to put the earned money into. I am grateful that my best relationships are with my parents and my sister. I know where to get the maximum result. I actually only got the commercial, because I used that money to put in my film. It’s not asking to get something in the air, it was a focus, a purpose. Not for prestige, but to contribute. What’s the point of getting everything if I don’t know what to do with it or I just pay it all on rent. What is the purpose of it?

Everything what I didn’t get, was a blessing, because I got something better, something that was right for me, but looking at society I thought I didn’t want it. I will walk with my path, this is my path. Time and time again I see where I feel confident and where I get the maximum result, where I get fulfilled and contribute the most. That’s the most important thing, I am contributing. The best relationship is with God, he is my best friend and he knows who I am. I am happy that I perhaps didn’t have a ‘solid’ equation with my agent, because I don’t see any value of it. This is not my, filmmaking is my path, I make something happen. And an agent is just a tool, that’s it. I had a full life in Amsterdam, I know where I come from, there are more ways that lead to Rome, I found other ways.

Blessed to be me

It’s Thursday 25th of feb, what a day yesterday. Unbelievable. Yesterday did let me realize that how fortunate I am. How blessed I am. I am so blessed that I am who I am. Very important. I am blessed with a dad. The only person who I care about is my mom, dad and sister. Those are the only people who are diamonds to me. My dad is my hero. The biggest. Only my mom and dad knows truly the path, my journey, my destiny, they believe in me.
I am grateful and I have the best gift of life which is my parents and my sister. The best!

I can’t even describe how yesterday was half of it I don’t want to recall, I saw the difference in mentality from the ones who were being creative and the ones who were just there for the $ , I am even fed up with the word.

I have to create, creating is the most crucial thing in my life.

Listen and observe

Things I observed yesterday: This was around 1.18pm:

Cash is easily made, it’s very important to know what you’re doing. Very blessed in what I’m doing and what I know. It is very important to be educated, so you can be critical. It’s imperative to be critical. And question things before you can jump into conclusions. Know what your intuition is saying. It is important to meet the right people, to keep your mind fresh.
I have to lose the battle, to win the war. There is no other way. Keep your head cool. Keep focusing on what you want.
Also I always think people with ‘big talk’ they know how to get there and once I come close, I find out that I know more. I had to filter it and know to stay away from it immediately. It’s important to have focus and stay true to who I am. At first I listened to everyone and see if there were opportunities of learning. That’s the thing, I’m social, but very silent. That’s my core inherently, Now I know who he is. Damn. My sister can see right through it. So easily, I’m going my way full blast. So I just listen and observe not to what people are saying which was naturally of no interest, but to whatever it was they were trying to hide.

People in LA only talk about the same god damn thing, there are other things in this world which are far more important.

Live free, live free, live free

I would like to dedicate this post to a very kind men, who I knew from the acting academy, he was the one who opened and closed the academy. He was a very kind,joyful and dear person. He was always happy to see us, he always said: ‘Hey, my girls, good to see you. Be safe’. He passed away in his sleep this Sunday.

Life happens. This is very sad. A very kind person. I saw him just three weeks ago, full of energy. Things happen.

I am grateful for everything I got. And life is very fragile. Again I was worrying too much about ‘making the rent’, financial stuff. NO, STOP. I should focus on creating. I don’t know when my time is when I am asked to go to God, but I better did something nice and took risks. I want to contribute and live free. And I am.

Live free, live free, live free. God have mercy. God have mercy, God help me to accomplish my goal. With you God, anything is possible.

Again, someone has given me a reason to prove myself who I am

This is enough. People don’t appreciate kindness, or no, let me phrase it differently. People with envy, no life, who live on other people, have an attitude, reverse and manipulate that they are the ones who can bring you, those people don’t appreciate kindness.

My best revenge is success and I will succeed. I don’t care how long it will take, but I will do it, I will put all of my effort into making my production company, one of the leading productions company in the world. That will happen.

Again, someone has given me a reason to live, a reason to prove myself, a reason to conquer and literally show, that yes I can make it and yes I have the ability to reach to millions and being a b*tch is not required to be successfull. With love and happiness, I will have casual world domination.

Just wait for it, this is for all the guys and girls who feels confused and insecure, for them I will make a difference.

Time to put my mind on zero

Hi my lovely flowers,

A recap on Sunday 21 of February: It was a nice sunny day. a day to relax, time put my mind on zero. I just got a nice gelato ice cream at Beverly Hills, very delicious. It’s so important to enjoy and take the time to do so. We all have deadlines and projects to finish. But everything works out fine at the end.

Initially I just wanted to stay at home and read a book. But my sister asked me to join her and get ice cream, she insisted. I’m glad I went, it was very nice and now I’m going to read a book anyway. 😉

I am true to myself and working with time. I do the best that I can, but I also have to put my mind on zero, recharge my brains. Giving it a rest. That’s very important, completely not doing anything and to me reading a book is relaxing. Nice and cozy in my apartment. On the sofa, there is a lot of silence. Outside noise is gone and my thoughts are coming in. My intuition is talking now. That voice that dares me to go beyond my imagination. It knows what I truly am capable of, I can do more than I think I can.

Being grateful for what I have now, being humble and implementing that everyday, the peace and silence within me. Silence speaks louder than words.

How to get a fulfilling day?

Good morning my lovely birds,

It’s Thursday February 18th, 11 am. Often it is talked about a fulfilling meal, but how about a fulfilling day. Yesterday I’ve experienced a fulfilling day after such a long time.

So on Tuesday evening I received an e-mail from my agent. I had a commercial audition the following day. I didn’t want to make my day about that only and luckily my following day, which was yesterday (Wednesday) was pact.

I’ve put my phone on air plane mode, because I didn’t want to get any distractions and I wanted to indulge my morning. I got the opportunity to do a free yoga class at 6.30am, which I did. I woke up at 6am. It was very early obviously and it did cross my mind to go back to sleep. The excuse of, ‘I will do it another time.’ But if I want to implement fitness like an athlete, every day, I have to start this day. And of course I don’t get what I want, I work for what I want. So I went, to the yoga class. I did my best in the class, but I worked with my body. Didn’t push too hard, because it is early in the morning. So if my body wanted to rest, I went into the yoga position ‘child pose‘.

It was an hour class, the instructor found me very productive and I felt good about myself that I did it. It was a bright morning. I went home, made myself a nice healthy breakfast. My favorite one, grain free granola with Almond milk. Very delicious and fulfilling. 😉


Around 9am I switched my phone back to normal mode and made myself ready to go to the audition, which just seemed like a regular thing I needed to do. Being present in the moment, being myself and that’s it. I went in and out, quick and easy. I went back home, ate some fruits and went to work. I finished at 4pm, went home, changed into a different outfit and went with my sister for dinner. We went to Cheese cake factory and had Jamaican Black pepper shrimp, the usual, very tasty. It was raining, so we bought a new umbrella, a high end on from Nordstrom with our gift cards and then I had to wait for the bus. It was pouring rain, but this is where I indulged and felt fulfilled:

I found it fascinating, because the city where I am from, it rains there everyday. I just was indulging in the moment, being present, not thinking ahead of about what I need to do. I actually said to myself: ‘I am going to enjoy this evening, I deserve it, just being, going home and just enjoy my time, listening to this rain.’

It was such a fulfilling day and I want to get more of those. I really want to work out more, by the end of this week, I have extra money left, to apply for LA fitness, so I can work out 5 times a week. And also swim, in or out doors.

I only live once and working out makes me happy, I started my day like that and the day went well. I accept myself more and appreciate my journey. I accept who I am. I love inspiring content and that is my mission, to put my film out there internationally, because what I have is very valuable. By working out, I just do it, without thinking, I go out of procrastination or self destructive thoughts, to feeling motivated. Because I also have something to say, something different. This is my journey, I don’t know where it is leading me, but God knows and I trust him. I trust you God, compeletely.

Being in harmony with yourself and loved ones is success

Contribute to the society. I already have success. I already have everything what I need. God is with me, my parents are behind me and my sister, that’s all I need. That is my true success, keeping a harmonious relationship with them. Beautifully, truthfully.

I let it go, I let it all go, I am here to get closer to God, to get closer to myself and I let it all go. I can only do my best. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. All those things, billboards, ‘awards’, cover magazines, are all shallow, it’s just a tool to get more viewers, to be seen by the public. It is a great tool, absolutely, but anyone who has money, they can just even make their own magazine like Oprah, or Steve Wynn.

It all boils down to contributing something to society. That is who I am, that is what I stand for. Contribute. I’ve got love, my parents and my sister, that is the most important thing for me. Having that balance, private and professional work.

It’s the simple things that count, the simple things are the best in life, just picnicking together, playing board games, laughing together, eating ice cream together, those are the moments. That’s what I care about, that who I am.

I am blessed with what I have, I have already everything. Just talking simple, about the fluffy stuff of life, the blue sky, the water, the flowers. That’s it. Love is everything, I love love, always. Thank you God, love you.