Staying humble at all cost

Hi my sweet chocolates,

It is Saturday, 31st of October. 1.5 week ago, I found a DP who owns a great camera. Everything was set, we just had to narrow down the locations, find a sound and lighting person within a week. Me and my sister actually managed to do it all within a week. After receiving horrible comments at Facebook, I got a little bit ego and almost started to brag to a fellow actor, who is in our project. Just before I came to the words of “we found the best one”, I stopped and said: ‘ We’ll see, I hope it will be successful, but we’ll see’. I’m happy I became suddenly humble, because a few days later, the DP wasn’t available anymore and assumed that the shooting was postponed. Short story, we were obliged to find another DP, we were not going to shoot with that particular ‘great’ camera, of which I was about to brag about.

No matter what, I always have to remain humble, things can fall apart, whether I’m a good or bad person, whatever I say, it can fall apart. Since I stayed humble though, I just went along with time, and looked for another one. Yes, the other seemed perfect, but further down the line, holes became more evident. I fall, I stand up, I succeed and fall again, it’s just part of it, the only thing constant here is me. It’s about problem solving and removing the ego. I still enjoy my life and try to keep a balance between private life and work. Yes, I am living the dream, but now it has become my work and it’s normal thing to do, but I don’t let it take over my whole life. I just have to do basic problem solving and letting go. I lose here and there and win as well.

No matter what, with or without, I am still a valuable human being. I am grateful that I got the opportunity to actually pursue my dream, to live it, do what I love. I thank my parents, God, my sister and myself for allowing me to do this. I am grateful to God that he pushed me into this direction even though I never believed in myself.

My goal of loving myself, is becoming a reality, slowly but surely. I’m hungry, I’m going to eat a nice sandwich, which I bought at Mendocino Farms. Love you all and ohh, Happy Delicious Halloween’s day!

Coffee

Hi sweat hearts,

It’s 12.29am, I had a lot of coffee 🙂 This was french pressed. It was really nice. Delicious and it makes my skin smooth. I want to get to the scenes, I have to practice, I will. It’s all going to be okay and fine. It’s windy. Oehhh, anyway I am learning a lot. I went to the Grove today with my sister, it was nice. I liked it.

It’s all good. Doing my best and we’ll see what will happen. Just taking the steps. 🙂

Goodnight my sweet hearts. Looking forward to sweet dreams. 😉

Facing obstacles

Sweet hearts,

I can’t fight time and I know that. I also know that things that we planned out, doesn’t necessarily turn out the way I want. I was a major challenge in year 2014, didn’t think I could survive. but I got through. Now with this film, just when I think I have it under control, things turns upside down. Do I have a choice? What can I do? I really don’t know and thank God I went to dance class today at 8pm. Bollywood dancing for an hour. I wasn’t perfect, but I kept going and it was fun. I didn’t think about anything else other than dancing.

It’s about problem solving, but in reality that can be tough. I know that companies lose millions, billions, I understand that and I am learning. But I feel very small now, like an ant. I feel like if someone else does it, it’s a hit and people cheer, but when I do this, I get so much criticism, so many obstacles, it’s no easy ride.

I am very grateful that I got so far. I am very grateful that I can do this and actually realize my dream. But putting it all into actions, facing obstacles, harsh rejections, no sympathy, door slams in my face, moody people hanging up on me, that is no pick-nick.  For a year I did audience work, just clapping, since I didn’t get any bookings, not using my brains. I know I had to go through that, for my personal growth as a human being, to be humble and grateful for what I have now and I certainly don’t want to give this all up, to just go back and clap again.

I want to tell you, yes, I will fight, but I seriously don’t want to fight and fighting with time is a waste. I don’t know, I don’t know what my next step will be. I loved dancing that was a great hour.

Receiving love

Last Friday, 16th of October, I unexpectedly received a lot of love. I was very grateful and happy for that. It was something given to me, at that moment I didn’t do anything, and I was hugged by a child. The little girl who was in my dream was there and complimented me. I received a lot of love. I got a callback for a commercial on Tuesday. This time I was in a different group. I gave love this time.

The girl who gave me love last time was amazing, but wasn’t asked for the call back. Now I gave love and didn’t get booked. I was said and thought I should have been ‘composed’ shouldn’t have given too much. But because of the girl who gave, I looked good. And I gave the next time, the other little girl looked good. The commercial was about Holiday gifting, being together with family, giving and receiving love.

I learned that really everything is written, but my reactions are not. I was sad that I didn’t get it. But I am receiving a lot of love in real life. In real life I’m loved. I am doing what I love and doing my own project. God you know what’s best for me. I know that, and I don’t know why I feel sad about this particular one. Perhaps I wanted to be part of this commercial, about this family gathering. I really wanted to. But there were a lot of things I wanted in life, which you knew wasn’t in my path. And I received so much more, things that I didn’t know I could achieve.

Yes, I became sad. Having everything what I wanted in life, I still became sad. I should be grateful for what I have now. I still have everything else. I have the financial means to proceed with my project, very grateful for that. That is eventually what I want. To be able to make my own films, being part of it and continue with that. Everything what I didn’t get, was a blessing. Now I can connect those dots. So apparently, you know what’s good for me.

Thank you God for all this love, I appreciate it. I truly appreciate it. If I would have everything, completely what I wanted right now, I would clean my house. Yes, it’s a mess, so I’ll give love to my apartment. Love you all, appreciate the simplest and little things in life, because I’ve realized that those are the biggest moments in my life.

Hurt people hurt, lovely people love

I didn’t know that there were people out there who are only using their time to heckle someone, laugh at someone. I am trying to get a good project across and asked a simple question: who would like to join. A basic, normal question. And I got such negative response. Even if I would say, who would like to have free roses? I would be heckled by those people.

My mistake was that I asked on Facebook, because I thought there would be professional people on it. I joined some film groups, but what a big attitude. I have encountered sweet and kind people, with a pure heart, who genuinely wants to help. And I have encountered people who really don’t care about my soul, about my ideas or existence. If I would die, smile etc, they spit on me. I gave them feedback in a professional way, it was a knock out feedback and they pulled me out of a group.

Some people dare to take risks, I don’t have to be experienced, with all do respect, a 12 year old can run a business nowadays. I am sorry, but let’s own the fact that anybody can be a CEO, anyone, with a great mind set and vision.

Yes, I am taking a risk and I dare to make a film, to submit to Cannes Film festival, thinking that I actually have a chance. Why not? If someone else can do it, why can’t I? Everybody started from somewhere.

12 years ago I stopped because of this negativity, I was hurt. But now I understand that those people smell success and actually don’t have the balls to do the same. They are waiting for their ‘moment.’ I am not waiting, I make my moments.

So no matter what people will tell me, how young I am, what ethnicity I have, what gender I am, I am going to do this. They ignored and laughed at me now. Tomorrow they will fight me. But trust me honey, I will win this war. I might have lost this battle, but I am going to win this war. I dare you. And I won’t shut myself down anymore, I won’t return, I will do my best.

Those people hurt, because they were hurt. And people who are loving, and send me love and warm wishes, they got everything what they wanted. That is what I know for sure.

Present

It’s been 4 years since I moved to Los Angeles. I’ve been living in Europe for 22 years. It’s unbelievable. This year I feel at home. This is my home, California.

I always wanted to be present, feel inner peace, but I never found it in the city I was born. I went to the best restaurants, lounges etc. But I sensed a void, didn’t feel that it brought the best out of me. The need of having a boyfriend, was big.

I am grateful that God send me here in Los Angeles. I found out that my intuition was correct. I am the only one in this world who van make myself happy, I bring my own happiness.

Yes, I miss and love you, but you are never satisfied, never. So I didn’t give up on you, I simply let go! I’ve been a better person ever since.

Becoming Master of my own destiny

On Friday, October 16th I had a dream. It was unbelievable, I got a dream f a child today, who was grateful to see me. She touched my feet and hugged me, a little Indian girl. I thought it would be me in real life. Who would bow for someone and appreciate someone like that.

But then exactly the same day that same girl hugged me in real life. It caught me by surprise. I felt loved at that moment. A year ago I also did a Walmart audition. At that time I didn’t get it and prior to that I was comparing myself to my sister and then to others leaving the house frustrated. When I didn’t get it, I mean the whole process was about frustration, trying to be someone else, be perfect, I wasn’t myself at all.

After a year I again got a Walmart audition. Everything changed, I came in as ME and really had a let go mentality, I did what I could do and give at that moment, but didn’t try too hard. I was in a winning group and another child gave me a lot of love. When someone gives you that much love, I really didn’t have to do anything. That was all planned by the universe. I was asked to do the same for another group and so I did. This child also gave me a lot of love. But I could see the difference between my first group and this one. Something I would frustrate about a year ago and accept this time:

It wasn’t that they were bad, they were in fact as individuals great, but it simply didn’t match, that is it. It is destiny and that is why it is so important to have a life outside in this profession. It’s a moment.

I never thought I had it in me, never thought I was beautiful, little did I know that by accepting myself, I would beat any competition, because there is no one like me. I keep being myself and I trust that if it is for me, I will use it as a tool for my for my production. If it isn’t, it would be for someone else, that is also fine, another opportunity will knock, that will be a fit.

But the love that I received, unconditional love from God, from the children, from the guy from the rehearsal of my Cannes project, I will take it with me. I don’t have to do much, just keep going forward, keep going. And eventually become the master of my own destiny.

Getting into Cannes Film Festival

‘Are you the producer?’, the owner of a store said. I looked at him and said: ‘Yes, indeed’. Well, he couldn’t believe it. Me and my sister were making a deal regarding the location for our next project. Trust me, it is not the first time that people were stunned by the fact that I actually take on a role in life at such a young age, that usually is done by ‘an expert’, or ‘older’ person. I mean if I want to do it and I have the means to do it, nobody is going to stop me.

For the first time I was a bit disappointed by his reaction, but then again, I always get rejections, or they laugh at me, or think I am stupid. But sometimes, I have to play dumb, in order to get the information I need. If in consequence people think that I am stupid, I don’t care. And then eventually at the end those people are in awe, when I take on the crown. I lose the battle, but I win the war. Simple and easy, it’s about putting the ego aside.

The money I earned for the commercial is going into this film and we are officially submitting this short film to the Cannes Film festival. We have found a team and by the end of October we will be filming this project. It is something very dear to us and we also got our first letter of rejection, when we were looking for a cinematographer, this was in August. He cursed and found the idea ridiculous, the concept of the film too daring and hated every single thing that was being addressed in the film. I got deterred and wanted to change the concept. Including my parents said, don’t do it, it is very risky, and we could get hurt in the process. But my sister said that this was actually the first sign of proceeding with this story. Because we are standing up for those girls, who actually don’t have a voice and where society have a huge misunderstanding about them. They may seem hypocrites, but we are here to tell to not judge. No judgement. Of course I am leaving certain elements behind right now of the short film, in time I will reveal what makes it so controversial.

I am reading more and more articles which is about this issue, so I will absolutely tackle this issue by means of our film. Because trust me, in a year, everyone will tackle this issue. Everyone will find out. We are going for guaranteed success. Everything that I will earn through my profession, goes to this film, for the film making, marketing etc. I am the producer, Yes, I am. And I am proud of that. Let people laugh, let people say what they want to say, I am willingly going to lose this battle, but honey I am about to win the war. It’s timing. This is my next goal, I revealed it. This is what I am doing and of course living my life 😉

Second chance

Once I knew what life really was about, I always asked for a second chance. If I could do it all over again, I would do it differently. I wouldn’t worry that much, be present, live life. The high school period was okay, but the part after that, my private life, I would just do what my heart says. And take a rest, have inner peace and trust, have faith that my time will come.

Having said that, I am getting everything back, if not even more, with a better understanding. I am following my heart, I am following my impulses and I won’t go into a battle anymore, of when will I have this or that. I trust. I let things go easily. There is a set time for everything, everything is determined. The only thing what I have in control is my reaction. It has always been like that. My life is finally back on track and there is a lot of calmness in it. But nothing really changed, the only thing that changed is my mentality, my reactions. I accept God’s timing. I have let go of waiting for my true love, waiting for my big break. I laugh at it now, because, I know there is a set time. I just live my life and be ready. Be ready, for what I truly want.

Yesterday I danced, I used to be so fluent and had great stamina. But a long the way I stopped, because I was waiting for things to happen and when I will have x, then I will do y. But I really am going to make the commitment, to dance every day. Even when it is just for 10 minutes and learning just 1 single dance step. At least progress is being made. I know that I can do it, I want it. Because if I can at least learn one song and I have it in my body, it makes ME proud. This is just for me. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be me. It is about muscle memory and I want to increase it. Because if I can do that, everything else flows. It always has, always will. I become happier and love myself more.

It is a a commitment to myself. I have a commitment towards my career and towards this. At the moments these are the commitments I can take. I like this space, so I am doing it. All the time that I was moaning and complaining about the things I couldn’t get or why others are getting ahead, I could have worked on my stamina, muscle memory, dance, that is what I truly like to do, when I have spare time. That is my outlet. 🙂

Improving

For the past two weeks my life went quite smooth. I had control. But this week, I realize that I have keep moving forward, doing new things. Not the same thing. That’s how I grow and improve. If I am not trying, and making mistakes, I can’t grow. I realized that I have overcome a lot of hurdles. A lot of things doesn’t effect me anymore. I made peace with a lot of things. Things that seemed so difficult at the time, has become easy. What I have faced today is yet another lesson to be learned. For the first time in so long My sister had an audition with lines. After a lot of indecisiveness and procastination I decided to take a chance and try it out. After arriving there, I saw that I actually had a chance to win, however due to misunderstandings from my side, after hearing directions, I messed up. But now I definitely know that I should follow my own intuition, my own thing. Just being me, being honest. Good or bad, just me. And if I mess up, that’s okay.

It’s good to make mistakes, it means that at least decisions are being made. And mistakes can be fixed. In time, but I’ll get there.

That’s what I learned from the movie ‘Steve Jobs’ and from sports and mathematics. Keep going and in every mistake there is a lesson to be learned. Follow my own direction, present what I have and who I am. That is enough. Also it’s how I react to it. Reaction is important, whether it went well or wrong, either I am still content with life.

A quote of Bruce Lee:

Adversity causes the mind to think properly. Only at that time does my mind function and think properly of my state.

That’s why sports are inevitable. Doing that is challenging, but no pain no gain. All is well. I got through it. I got through much bigger things in life, this is just the beginning. My beautiful chapter of life has begun. It started already, but now I understand. I did get a second chance of life, I’ll do it again, but this time my reaction is different. 😉

Love you all with all our mistakes, flaws and failures, celebrate it, with or without, life is amazing. Much love xxx