Letting Go vs. Giving up

Good Morning dear ones,

Don’t try to feel. I’m gonna loose when I want to feel, I know because I did it, I pushed it and lost. Athletes don’t give into feeling, that’s why they succeed. If they give into the pain and would stop or find distractions to get rid of the pain, they wouldn’t be where they are. I know that feelings are temporary.

I want to call people, even my first love, but basically I’m asking to get rid of this anxiety and hopefully they can fix it. So I am giving power to someone else. I’ve tried it for 5 years. Calling that person, to get rid of the feeling. Most of the time it didn’t work, I would feel even worse, or the issue wasn’t resolved. But I miss that person. I still feel that it was my fault. But I know it’s not. I mean, it was 5 years ago. I’ve grown and I’ve learned a lot. I am so sorry. I am torturing myself with something that I apparently cannot change. Or I can, but it means going back to Europe or perhaps sacrificing my dream for something I tried to push for 5 years. 5 years I’ve tried to be in that relationship. And than when I had the person, it still was not the way I expected. I was bored to death, I tried to push it, and even coming to Los Angeles, I tried to be in touch with that person, be friends, it still didn’t work. I thought by ‘letting go’, I am giving up on that person. But I have never given up. It’s just it didn’t work and I was cutting my own hands(matter of speech), just to make it work. I met that person when I was also selfish. Now I’ve become more and more selfless.

I tried to fit the masses, tried to be someone else and than I saw that those people wanted to be me. Have my drive, ambition, desire. I have to stick to it, stick to my purpose. Be kind. I feel gloomy, it’s okay, feelings can go away. BUT HOW? I mean for 5 years, I’ve tried to ‘call’ it away or finding other people to get rid of it.

I hate to give up. But I am not, it’s letting go. Please share your knowledge. What do you think is the difference between giving up and letting go? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

I try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, will I ever hit it?

Yesterday was a great day. But that’s gone, I have to let that go. Today, I again tried to go after what I wanted. I didn’t want to deal with the rejection, but I pushed myself and went for it anyway. Finally they let me in the audition, I went there and again a major fail. Why am I missing it all the time. I have the look now, the smile, the picture, but I was still tense.

I really want it and that is my problem. It took me 5 years to let go of my first love, it took me 5 years to let go of a person who I thought was my friend, who betrayed me, does it have to take me so many years to let go of my passion, the one thing I really want in life? How long do I have to suffer? How long does it take my stupid mind to understand, to not tense, to not take it too seriously? How long and at what cost? Seriously. FAIL after fail after fail after fail, I try so hard, every day to put a smile on my face, to be kind, to make it right. but I still don’t get it.

people who want it don’t get it, and the people who don’t want it get it. God damn it, I want to succeed. God, I have to let go of what I love. I have to let go. But I can’t, But I have to, because it’s killing me. it really is killing me.

I don’t know am I that stupid, why does my body and mind does not want to understand and let go. Come on, I HAVE TO LET GO. DOES IT HAVE TO TAKE 5 YEARS TO LET GO OF MY PASSION OF WHAT I WANT.

Spontaneity

Hi sweet cakes,

I had such a lovely dinner today. Mmm, after such a long time, something new and with a delicious flavor. It was Singapore, Malaysian food. Absolutely tasty, especially when I am craving for good food, diversity, I could enjoy it even more.

I wanted to go to Las Vegas with Easter, which means, I have to save up. I still can go. Which means, I cannot spend that much and would eat the same food every day and would not go to this tasty place, which was at the farmer’s market at the Grove. But I learned something from this.

Every time when I plan an event, such as Thanksgiving day, or Easter, or a Birthday and I look forward to it, and am excited for a month, to go to that restaurant, for a special occasion, it was¬†not that special. The food wasn’t nice, or something occurred which was not planned, or my mood was off. Bottom line, It wasn’t the best day. But whenever I go on the spot, with no expectations, I enjoy that moment.

We’ll see what I will do, but for now, I am going to my lovely bed and call it a day. For the first time, I will catch my 8 hours of sleep. It’s because I didn’t use my phone that much today. After work and having a nice dinner, I cleaned my face and brushed my teeth right away, did the dishes, submitted for some auditions and now writing a post.

I wish you a beautiful night, sweet dreams.

Much love

The power of taking an hour off

Good Morning Sun Shines,

I always go to Hot Core Power Yoga, in the last week of the month. I would like to do it every week, but I have a strict budget, so this is the best option for me. After a day of working, it is so nice and relaxing to go to a heated room and do Power Yoga. Oh, I encourage everyone to do it. Stretching my body, sweating, working on my body, I felt great afterwards!

Also, that time, it’s completely me time. I am focusing on myself. No phones, no work, no other responsibilities. I felt present and at peace. I usually would feel some kind of anxiety, but this time, I was completely present. I feel energized, my body and my face looks good and healthy. I see perspective, my mind works faster and my soul appreciates me, when I work out.

This is what I work for, for these moments, moments of being present. That’s all I ever wanted. Not thinking about the past, nor the future, just this moment.

Have a beautiful Thursday. Be blessed, stay present!

Ps: Next week it’s Easter! Any plans? I might go to Las Vegas, I’ll let you know ūüėČ

One-Month Challenge

Good Morning Smoothies,

I made a fresh shake, with banana’s, blueberries, spring mix and flax seeds, it tastes delicious. I’ll be working on my new One-Month Challenge, from 23th of March till 23th of April. This One-Month Challenge includes taking control of my career as opposed to waiting for things to happen, waiting for an agent to submit me, waiting for that wonderful role. No none of the waiting, but more of the doing, taking actions. This One-Month of Challenge is dedicated to myself, utilizing my full potential, at least that is my attempt.

My goals:

-Get a lot of screenings to promote and screen my (film festival selected) short film
-Get lots of press articles regarding my short film
-Get more film festival selections
-Work on my new short film
-Getting sponsors for my new short film and for my production company
-Gain a lot of audience views for my films and youtube channel, which is about my production company
-Earn money by distributing my film

Note that I did not include, booking gigs, commercials etc. That is now not in my hands, I have an agent now, so that is up to time. But I do have control over my new goals.

Have a great Monday!

Much love

Strategy

Good evening dear ones,

I had 2 dreams, really rough, babies are being killed and a plain crashed. I looked up the meaning on Google and it basically said that I am lacking strategy, I am not living up to my full potential.

Looking back, I never really had a long term strategy. I looked at things in the moment. Time showed me what I needed and that’s how I went for it and achieved things. I was committed to it and went for it 100%. I know that I only can be an actress if I take initiative, if I start creating my own content. God is helping me with that, he is pushing me into that direction.

Right now, I am working on 2 things, my own production company and my YouTube channel, both together with my sister. I make projects and content where I star in and luckily it has given me perspective in life. This has become my strategy in order to get attention of those big film producers, companies and creating fan engagement for my shortfilms. I don’t know if this is the right way, but honestly this seems the only way to get to my goal.

So, my challenge will be to devote myself completely to this strategy for one month. After one month I will assess if this is getting me closer to my goal and more importantly to myself.

We’ll see! Have a great night!

Much love

Simple

Hi lovely birds,

I’m going to bed soon and have a nice rest. These past days I’ve been working on my youtube channel along with my sister. I already had one, but this one is focused on my production company. Stories, which touch upon beautiful, simple moments in life.

It will be a challenge to get this channel to a larger audience. But that’s business. We’ll see how that goes. My initial goal is to be an actress and I am and will creat films, filmfestival worthy and share it on youtube. I love films and I’ll do my best to get my vision across.

We’ll see how it goes!

Goodnight, sweet dreams!

At what cost do I want things?

Hi lovely people,

A lot has happened these past days, I gained a lot of insights about the film industry. I got invited at one of the top agencies. But upon arriving there, I got a headache. Anyway, I had to wait there 15 minutes, I also got scheduled in a month ago. Anyway, I arrived there and realized something. I talked to the agent. I left and felt horrible, as if I had to sell my soul to the devil in order to get where I want to be. I mean at the end of the day, it’s just a role on a TV show. Yes, I want it, but at what cost?

Participating in nudity projects, Getting a GreenCard, there are¬†several¬†ways to get it. I mean it’s all fine, I understand that it all depends on circumstances that these choices are made. I do understand that, I am not judging. However, I have been blessed with a solid education, financial support from my parents, having work, might not be fixed, but I do get some nice income. At least enough to pay my rent. I know I want to get to the next level, but again at what cost?

I was upset that she said those things, as if these are the only options to get a role in TV. But the fact of the matter is, I was desperate. I do. That’s why I was listening, honestly even perhaps considering it….I mean, it is against MY principles. Those things are not wrong, but my intuition is telling me, that going that way, will not get me there. Because that’s not what I stand for. Yes, I understand, if you want things fast, really fast, I can comprise with my values and principles. I know I can, but will I be happy when I get there? By compromising all of my values and principles, getting there, being at the top, but will it last? Do I want it then?

I want gender equality, I want to stand for quality, I want to get things, but on my own terms, without comprising on my beliefs. That will take time. But at least I can sleep well and know that whatever decision I made, was mine. Not because someone else said it. I know that whatever happens, I stayed true to myself. Because once I comprise, I do it more and often, then it really doesn’t matter and then I won’t be the person who I actually was, who I actually am.

It takes time, it does, but I want quality and if I can do this, if I can accomplish things on my own terms, I could be an example for so many. I don’t have compromise on my values and principles. It’s a choice. If I want it fast, I know what road it will be. But if I want longevity in my career, then it’s a conscious decision, to stay true to myself and have patience.

Am I making the right choice? Will I stay true to myself or will I fall astray?

God guide me to my¬†goal, the way it’s supposed to be.

Much love

Worried

I am a bit worried and stuck. I woke up early, ate delicious couscous and freshly made chocolate donuts. It was delicious, little drops of heaven. But then I had to walk, since the bus wasn’t running today, so I had to walk all the way to my destination. I couldn’t find what I needed, but that was fine. Then I arrived home and I felt a huge anxiety. I feel that I am losing control again, I have beautiful ideas, but I am not doing them. I don’t believe that it will work. It’s weird, because lately I am thinking positive and progressively. So why this feeling? Why this worrisome?

I don’t get it. But I always have this once in a while. I cannot feed it. So I’ll just eat my food, watch some comedy and then perhaps do my work. If I don’t do it, well then nothing will happen. If I do it, something might happen. I don’t know. I need a break. I guess I want it so much, that I feel stuck, I guess I want it all at once. Which really wasn’t the case, it’s just this anxiety. I am not going to fight it, it will go away.

I am doing the things that I think is right. I don’t know actually, it’s quite overwhelming. I want to open doors, but I don’t know where to start.

God, please guide me. Hmm, perhaps I have to pray. Thank you for everything. I hope this feeling goes away. I am taking a deep breath. It’s not a destination, it’s a journey, I have to remember that, this is life. It cannot happen in a split second. It takes time. Taking a deep breath. Everything will be alright, it always has. It’s just this feeling…..

Much love

I finally feel I exist, by not comparing

Now that I don’t check other people, the ones I know and don’t compare, I feel so alive. Yes, I am tempted to go and see what their up to, but then I lose enthusiasm in myself and in life.

Now I feel that I exist, since I am focusing on myself. I am not comparing myself to someone else’s journey. I appreciate what I have. I haven’t checked for a week. I feel good about myself and have more fire.

I hope I keep it up.

Good night and sweet dreams!