Rain! a great time to watch a movie, yes!

Good Morning lovely rain drops,

So happy to see you. Fresh air mmm. Inhale the fresh air. I’ve opened my window and I will go to the cinema at noon with my sister. We’re going to the Chinese theater to watch Inferno. I don’t know if it will be a nice movie, but my sister wanted to see it for the longest time. It’s always nice to watch a movie when it’s raining, at least I think so. In Amsterdam we did it all the time. It’s so cozy.

I love to maintain that balance. Yes there is work, and so called ‘achievements’, but it’s only great if we can spend quality time with family. I mean I need both. I love my career and spending time with family, not talking about my work. I rather talk about things in the moment and not about my work. That is all separate. I like to be composed on the surface and peddle beneath.

I love it when it’s sunny, but occasionally experiencing rain is fun 🙂

Yeahhhh! Have a beautiful Friday, lots of love!! xxx

detaching emotionally and moving forward

It’s always on those who will get the best. I feel defeated, I want to give up. don’t want to exist. I couldn’t eat properly yesterday, my appetite died. Ego obviously crushed. it’s done I hope God you can forgive me. I forgive myself. I’m able to pay and I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Jealous, not giving, what is wrong with me. I can’t expect that I am the only one who can be happy. Of course people should be happy. I would love to go for a hike, but instead I will stretch.

Holding grudges, I give it all up, forgive me. forgive. I became my worst enemy. In a second 😦

I am saying goodbye to my past, to you mom and to you dad. I won’t say it but it will be seen in my actions. This is something for me, perhaps you won’t even notice. But I can’t do this to myself any longer. I have chosen to do this journey on my own. I’ll only talk for pure practical reasons. But my emotions or inner conflicts will stay here with me and my sister. I’m in America and that is my current state. This is my present and I will completely embrace it. It’s me and my sister. It’s already been done. I am accepting that I have detached myself completely on an emotional level. It’s the precise reason why I wanted a boyfriend and completely live another life. But I have that now with my sister. This is it. What a relief. Letting the perfect life go completely. I will do it differently. I have to focus on my present to move on and if I attach myself emotionally to whatever is going between my parents I am not able to move forward.

Moving forward, keeping my integrity, positivity and humility in mind. I wish that for myself. 🙂

I stepped in the world of ego and within a second I fell

Whatever people’s agenda, whether they spit on you, jealous or anything else negative, the moment it gets to me in a way that I’m seeking revenge and holding grudges or I wanted to pay back, those thoughts are brutal. I was in an inner conflict, couldn’t sleep for weeks, it was in my dream. I failed the test to react appropriately in real life. They made a mistake, but it’s innocent, let them learn. It’s actually very innocent in God’s eyes. But it got to me. It really got to me. I fed the ego.

Two things were battling inside of me: First: ‘How dare they they did that to my parents and my mom should finally stand up for herself‘ and the other thoughts: ‘It’s her life and she has to learn on her own pace, I completely disagree with her 100% of how she conducts her life, but that is her journey and I have to let her be.’

My sister said it well, some people learn fast, for other people it might take a lifetime or in this lifetime some people might not be able to do it.

I was battling this, because I couldn’t talk to my mom over the phone or else it will explode and I will spit out my thoughts. So I didn’t talk to her for quite some time. Until yesterday, doom’s day. I wish I could reverse it, but I can’t, this is life 😦

I was not able to say it in an intellectual manner, I was upset and I wanted to let her see that she has become even closer with those people, who actually are not good for her. I said it and it all backfired on me. I also cursed the people who did wrong. Of course that backfired on me as well. It was a mess, horrible the way I talked and with my words I came to their level, exactly what my enemies/devil want. Yes, the ego, I gave in to the ego. But nothing was being appreciated, I said that I was hurt in the process and my mom didn’t respond to that, that is my problem. I felt there was some injustice here and I pointed it out and she had her reasoning ready. My dream told me, that this would happen, I just have to react differently. I became the bad guy here, just like my dream.

I couldn’t see her suffering, however she chooses to. And she thighs she is right. She is willingly choosing to continue to bring herself down. But she doesn’t see it like that. Well I am not God and I should let it be. It’s not my place, even though I’m her daughter, it doesn’t matter, it’s not in my place to make people realize on what their mistakes. It’s not a mistake after all. There is no right or wrong. Nobody is right nor wrong. It’s just what it is.

I should focus on my journey and on the good things that are happening in my life. On the positive things. People come and they try to put me down, but they can’t until I give in, until I let it. Yesterday I did and I apologize for that. I take the curses back and instead bless each one of them who did what they did. Nobody was wrong or right. They did what they  thought was accurate.

I got attitude, I thought it would be legit to those who were ‘mean’ to me. But in an instant I was put on the map. Before I was scrutinizing myself that I’m noting. I don’t have ‘millions’. But that’s not true. I’m rich, I’m healthy, I have parents who care about me, my sister is my best friend. I’m privileged and what I have is a gift from God. He gives and he can easily take it away.

I live my life the way I want to, I am learning. Nobody is perfect and I am certainly not perfect. I accept this imperfect life. I fell. It’s in God’s hands. God can change everything in a split second. I’ve got God, so what do I have to fear. I apologize God. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I became a fool and something that I let go a long time ago. Some people don’t do me good and I accept. Some people evoke things out of me and I accept that I have to take my distance. Because otherwise I give in again. I know that I fall astray. I am a human.

I love the holiday, after a year working non stop, what a rejuvination

Good Morning,

I celebrated my birthday in Hawaii, Honolulu at Hilton Hawaiian Waikiki beach resort. It was beautiful. Amazing view, we got the Ocean View. I absolutely loved it. The food was amazing at the Rainbow buffet. The papaya was from the Big Island, that was absolutely delicious. This papaya was ripe unlike the one in Los Angeles. Mmm. The taro roll, which is from Hawaii, and the guava french toast, oh God, those were divine.

Swimming in the Ocean, wow what a view, I had a beautiful time at Hilton. I’m grateful for that. Then we went to Las Vegas, M resort. The experience at M Resort was quite similar like the hotels in Dubai. All luxury, I loved it. The buffets at Las Vegas were delicious. The buffet at Wynn hotel, was the best 🙂  I love food ❤   M resort was beautiful as well, it was bigger and more luxurious than the Hilton. I was really looking forward to this one. However the pool was small and the big pool was only open during the weekends. That was a pity. Never the less, the rooms were exceptional. I had a strip view, top floor. I loved it.

This was very nice, change of scenery after working non stop for a year. I was extremely happy and content, all the pictures that were taken, I could see how balanced I was. I’m happy with my life. I have accepted my journey 🙂

I’ll keep this experience close to my heart. I’ll make more, cheers to more!

Three times denied, three times stabbed in my heart,tables will be turned

I am absolutely amazed that someone who I know, relatives, who supposedly are kind and have the ‘best intention’ for me, have denied us three times. First some relatives came in 2014 to Los Angeles to visit us, but no, they came for themselves and rushed to meet us for only two hours and that’s it. Then July 2016 two relatives came, I thought for us, but no, only 1 hour, rushed, lied and didn’t want to meet us. And now September 2016, won’t say again won’t say names, relatives, again surpassed us. And they even came into our house.

I am in the USA, focusing on my work, on contributing to society, I don’t even deal with them, then they come into this country, into my town, my city, only to put us down. WOW. THREE TIMES. You know what that means. Judas lied three times. Jesus was denied three times.

Mark my words, all those people who took advantage of a certain situation back 5 years ago, all those people who became big, because of my parents, all those people who then denied us and thought they were bigger than us and had attitude, they will fall. And they will fall hard. TABLES WILL BE TURNED. Today they might have money in the back, tomorrow they won’t. What they have done to us, has already been done to them.

Don’t come to me and tell me how big you are, if my own parents have brought you there. It’s all about being humble. Look when I had it all and I now do have it all, I am not showing nor am I telling anyone or shouting it from the roof. I know my place, I know that God has put me here and easily can change the circumstances. The moment someone has attitude and take their chin high and it gets to their head, it’s done deal, you’re already digging your grave. I’ve seen the highs and I have seen the dirt. I know how easily things can shift.

I do my best and appreciate this country, don’t come here and piss on it, just because you can’t have it. You stand there with all the money, that A, you got the tools through my parents and B, it’s not everything, now is it? But how can you know, you don’t know what following a dream means, you don’t know what real success means, otherwise you would be humble. A person of success, true success, has seen the top, they know the meaning of being humble, because it does take sacrifices and effort to be there on the top. To stay there on the top. And clearly all of you saw me and my sister’s success and you guys couldn’t handle it. I was there even to give you tools, but I guess your ego has immediately diminished it. You have to receive the love. Mom, I love you, but if you can’t open your eyes based on this experience, this holiday, then I don’t have words, only silence will speak the truth.

I have worked consistently, I have always done my best and it shows, relatives thought it was nothing, well because clearly they are jealous. Three times denied, three times stabbed in my heart, tables will be turned. God knows it. It has already been done. My tears will be turned into fuel. I am only focusing on the good stuff and this is what I got in return? Thank you all, now dare to come when I am at the top and remember this moment, dare to come when I have acquired all ‘the money’ which you guys are so jumping about, dare to come, I won’t say it, GOD WILL.

 

Listen to your own voice only, experience it yourself first

Good Morning,

I just arrived in Los Angeles, from Waikiki, Honolulu. In the plane there were several selections for films to watch. I wanted to watch a certain movie, but that didn’t work. I think God wanted me to watch this movie called: Pele. 

A few months ago I saw the trailer, read the reviews of Pele and they said that the film didn’t do justice to the legend. I still wanted to watch it, but it wasn’t in big cinema’s, only in art house cinema, far from the city. Anyway, my point is that I bought into that and I thought it wasn’t worth it.

But then I just starting watching it in the plane and magic started. Oh my God, already after a couple of scenes, I was overwhelmed and started to have tears, what a beautiful build up, beautiful scenes. The message, the scenes, the color palette everything was beautiful, it brought me tears, it moved something in me, now that’s a film. Every second of the movie was worth it, full of suspense. Every scene made sense, it was beautiful, amazing chemistry.

Anybody can give their experience of something, but what I’ve learned this past week, or actually what I have remembered, is that I have to experience it myself, because my experience will be different. I liked Pele, I loved it. I was depriving myself of such a beautiful experience. Only because I bought into those reviews and what other people said about it. NO!

What was so beautiful about it? I could relate to it. I don’t play like others, but I wanted to. I wanted to go to the ‘conventional’ road, but it didn’t work. I pushed it, it sometimes worked, but it wasn’t me. I am getting closer to who I am.

I am getting the courage to embrace who I truly am. 

Initially I was afraid and I pushed it for quite some time, because I was the only one going the other way. But I am grateful that I have been embraced my destiny, I had the courage to embrace it, I went the other way, my way and I am in harmony. I love what I do, it is music to my ears, everything matches. I love producing, I love my family, I love balancing it. Career and family, yes, it can be both, the top ingredient is patience. Patience result is sweet. Very sweet.

I couldn’t connect the dots, but now when I look back EVERYTHING makes sense. The GOOD AND THE BAD. EVERYTHING.

My parents and grandma are here with me and the unexpected happened, we are all in sync. We grew together. There is no distance, only love. Thank you God, this is it.